Blurry
by amandakb
Summary: UPDATED - Chapter 17. In Sunnydale, a few weeks after Grave. Everyone must come to terms with their actions in the past year. Will become S/B. WIP
1. Default Chapter

Title: Blurry 1/?  
Author: Amanda  
Summary: A few weeks after Grave in Sunnydale.  
Rating: PG, for now  
Disclaimers: Nothing belongs to me I only wish they did, because then I wouldn't be   
dragging myself to school everyday and facing repaying lots of loans back.  
Feedback: I won't refuse it.  
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for her awesome work in making this better!  
  
**************  
  
It was strange sitting out here all by herself. He had always seemed to have a sixth sense   
about when she would sit alone on the back porch. It wouldn't be long after she sat down   
that he would show up. Did he read the stars? Could he see the future? How did he   
always know when she needed him?   
  
There were so many important times in her life that he had sat beside her, merely in   
silence. Offering whatever she needed, silence or a shoulder to cry on. But whatever that   
connection had been it now seemed to be gone. Broken, torn apart. And she didn't know   
whose fault it was. She wanted to think it was both of theirs, equally his and hers, but   
deep down she was afraid that she would have to take full responsibility, or at least a   
huge majority. And responsibility was a scary thing, especially when she had more than   
enough of it on her shoulders right now.   
  
Sensing a presence, she let her thoughts go. They could mosey about by themselves for a   
while. Maybe they could figure it out themselves and then get back with her. "You can   
come out and sit down, you don't have to be lurky girl."  
  
Settling down beside Buffy, Dawn searched the night, for something that had Buffy's   
attention. No monsters to look at, no one to talk to. With a loud sigh, she came to the   
conclusion that once more Buffy was thinking. In the last few weeks, she had seemed to   
do that a lot. When Dawn had asked her what she was thinking about, she had merely   
replied, 'Life,' and left it at that.   
  
"Are you thinking again? I don't want to bother you."  
  
"You're not a bother. We can both sit out here."  
  
"You already spent all day with me, I don't want to infringe on Buffy alone time."  
  
"Today's about us spending the day together, right? And it's still today for a few more   
hours."  
  
It had been a good day, if not a little stilted. Things still weren't back to normal, but then   
what was normal? If normal was two sisters spending the day at the beach together,   
working on their tan, then they were pretty normal. But when you added in a nightly   
patrol and an overseas phone call of strife and tears, she was afraid they crossed the line   
into not-normal again.   
  
"Xander didn't mean to upset you. You know how he is."  
  
"You don't have to make excuses for him Dawn. I thought we had agreed to quit with   
the lies and excuses. We're supposed to be honest. And Xander knew exactly what he   
was doing."  
  
"You had plenty of time before to ask him why he told me. Why now?"  
  
"I wasn't ready before."  
  
"And what made you ready now? And what really happened? And why did Xander   
upset you so much?" She could feel her voice starting to rise and her words starting to   
come out faster. But she couldn't help it. She wanted to know. Actually, she needed to   
know more than anything. Then she would have an idea where she stood. Would it be   
solely with Buffy? Or somewhere in the middle of the two of them? And Buffy had   
promised. "When are you gonna tell me?"  
  
Buffy turned to look into her sister's eyes. Questions along with concern, abounded in   
them. Dawn had allowed her to put it off, but made her promise to tell everything. She   
still didn't know if she was ready to talk about it. How could she tell her younger sister   
exactly what had happened, when she still wasn't sure herself?   
  
"Dawnie, sometimes I wish that I could put you in tower and keep you from all the uglies   
in the world. But I realize now that I can't. I'm not ready to go into specifics. And I   
didn't do that with Xander. I just yelled at him for barging into my personal life again,   
especially when he really didn't know anything that happened."  
  
"Did Spike try and rape you?"  
  
Taking a deep breath, she slowly let it out, trying to figure out exactly what to say.   
"Sometimes relationships are messy, they aren't always hearts and flowers. That's what   
Spike and I had. It wasn't always nice. But it was real. When someone else's   
relationship doesn't fit the box that you think relationships should, you can get the wrong   
idea. What Spike and I had wasn't like anything Xander's ever had. Since he can't   
nicely categorize it, in his mind it becomes something twisted. It becomes rape."  
  
It made some sort of sense to her, Dawn though. She could accept that. However,   
questions still needed to be answered. "Buffy, did Spike try to force you? I mean, if he   
did, you'd tell me right? You're stronger than him, so nothing could happen and I love   
Spike, but you're my sister, and…"  
  
"I've learned that things aren't always black and white. And I've had to think a lot about   
what happened and try and fit it into the new gray areas of my life. Nothing happened, so   
it wasn't rape. But did Spike try to force me? You could say yes." Seeing the alarming   
look grow in Dawn's eyes, she continued on, "And I don't want you to think in any way   
that is condoned, because it's not.   
  
"In any normal relationship, it should not happen. But ours was never a normal   
relationship. A lot of things led up to that night, things that I am responsible for. And   
Spike is responsible for his own actions and that is something he will have to live with.   
He felt remorse. What vampire do you know that feels bad about something and wants to   
apologize? And I can't blame him fully for what he did, after the mixed signals I gave   
him and the things I did to him. But it was wrong. Wrong was done on both our parts. It   
doesn't involve anyone else, either you or Xander. So neither one of you should concern   
yourself about it anymore. Whatever happens from here on out, whether Spike returns or   
not, is between us."   
  
"So you don't hate him? You don't want to stake him?"  
  
"If I'd wanted Spike dead, I'd have staked him myself, or let Xander do it when he   
wanted to. But I couldn't then. I couldn't now either. You can't understand fully what   
happened between us, without being there. And you know what, I don't think either one   
of us really knows exactly what happened either. I do know this though, I don't hate   
Spike. And I don't want you to hate Spike either."  
  
"But he hurt you Buffy." Dawn wanted Spike to come home, she did. But this   
overwhelming urge to protect Buffy loomed larger inside her. More than anything she   
didn't want anything to happen to their newly formed sister bond that had recently sprung   
up. And if her liking and wanting to be friends with Spike pulled at that bond, she was   
willing to give it up.   
  
Buffy could hear that question in Dawn's statement. 'Can I still be friends with Spike?'   
Buffy wished she could still be friends with Spike, wished it could be simple again. But   
now things were complicated. Ties between them had been ripped apart, shredded, and   
who knew if any tiny piece could ever be mended. Or if he even wanted it. But for   
Dawn, life still had some simplicity, and one of those simple things was being friends   
with a vampire, that would protect her forever. "And I hurt him too. Spike's done a lot   
of good things for you Dawn."  
  
"This thinking thing really seems to be doing you some good. And I'm glad. I've been   
doing some thinking of my own." Staring into a bright star high above, she wondered if   
now was the time to bring it up? But they had agreed that there would be no more secrets   
between them. "I spoke with Giles after you came out here."  
  
"How is everything?"  
  
"He says it is going better than expected. He thinks they'll be able to come home in a   
few weeks."  
  
"That's good. I know Xander hates it over there. Why I don't know, as I would have   
loved to take a vacation. And Anya will be happy that Giles will be back to handle some   
of the rebuilding."  
  
"We have to talk about Willow. I don't want her to live here. At least not at first."   
Words rushed out, tripping over themselves, trying to come out, after being bottled up   
inside. "I'm scared of her Buffy. She almost killed me back in November and she tried   
again just a few weeks ago. What if she isn't really better? What if the magic isn't   
purged from her, like Giles said it will be? What if she's still evil? What if she wants to   
turn me back into the key? What if she tries to kill you again? I know I'm just the kid   
sister and she's your best friend, but Buffy please."  
  
Hands reached out to stroke her hair, to quiet her down and try to erase some of the   
anxiety from her body. Buffy couldn't say that she was surprised by Dawn's feelings.   
She had to admit that she felt that way most of the time too. Here was the one thing she   
had been gifted with and she was afraid to place her in any danger. And Willow had   
proved a danger to Dawn numerous times. "I know how you feel Dawn. And I'm   
thinking about it. Giles and Xander aren't bringing her back in the next few days, so we   
still have time. We'll work something out, where everyone is happy. I promise."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Anything good on television tonight? You only have a few more days before summer   
school starts and lots of homework."  
  
"Is that your subtle way of saying you'd like a little more alone time?"  
  
"Yeah. I'll be in soon, just give me a few more minutes."  
  
Things were becoming clearer to her. But she wondered why it took all this time to feel   
this way. If only she could have come out of her funk six months ago. Maybe then, she   
would have been able to prevent all the bad things that had happened. But she had been   
dealt her cards and now she had to live with them. And at least she was still living. Tara   
was mourned on a daily basis. The one person that she knew wouldn't judge her, would   
just listen and give her support was gone. Okay she acknowledged, not the only one, but   
the other seemed to be missing at the moment. But it looked like Dawn was beginning to   
fill that void.   
  
Things were changing so fast. But then maybe it had happened slowly and she had been   
blind to everything and hadn't noticed. She faintly remembered an argument between   
Giles and Willow last fall over her use of magic. Actually she was out here, when she   
had heard them. It had been brewing for a while, but when Tara wasn't around to keep   
her in check, Willow had come out in full force. There were still too many feelings there   
for her to figure out what was going on with Willow. Like she had told Dawn, they still   
had time to figure it out.  
  
And Xander. Had he always been so hateful, so possessive, so righteous? Or where had   
that come from? She couldn't imagine Anya putting up with that, but maybe she had.   
Her feelings for Anya were still muddled up in that one glance at the computer screen.   
She understood, she really did. But sometimes even when you understand and accept it,   
your feelings still don't. And she was working on that, just like she was working on her   
feelings of Giles leaving and returning and leaving again. Could she lean on him again as   
a father figure? Or was he only a trusted friend now?  
  
Right now it seemed the only clear cut relationship she had was with Dawn. They were   
sisters. Sisters who had promised to stick together from here on out and to be honest with   
each other. They each knew that they had someone to rely on, someone to back them up.   
It had been so easy with Dawn. She wished it would be that easy with everyone else.   
But it seemed that life wasn't easy and it wasn't fair either.  
  
Somewhere in the cosmic board game of life, she had been dealt all the responsibility of   
the world and one teenager. No, life wasn't fair. But she would handle it, claw her way   
out of whatever problems she faced and move on. And one day she might even be able to   
sit out here and feel like it was normal night, like everything was right in the world.  
  
But for now, it seemed a little bit of normal had walked back into her life. Maybe the   
stars had aligned themselves perfectly. Or maybe the dice just rolled doubles in her   
board game. Whatever it was, she wasn't going to question it. She was just going to try   
and treat it right. And maybe, just maybe, more good things would come her way.   
Looking up, she addressed the presence hidden in the trees.  
  
"Hello Spike." 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Blurry 2/?  
Rating: PG-13, for now  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.  
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for her help!  
  
  
*************  
  
"Are you going to stand behind the trees all night and watch me? Or are you going to sit   
down?"  
  
"Didn't know if you'd want me near you."  
  
In the past she'd shoot out with something like 'That's never stopped you before.' But   
this growing up and thinking about things was changing her. Very slowly it seemed,   
because every response she ran through her head seemed just as snarky. Okay, here goes,   
she thought. This should cause forward momentum in our relationship. Maybe. "Sit   
down Spike. We're glad you're back."  
  
As he appeared out of the dark, her eyes took him in. He seemed different somehow.   
But was that him, or was it her? She'd changed in the few weeks he had been gone, she   
really believed that she had. But had something happened to him? And where had he   
been? His eyes looked weary, like they'd traveled a long journey. His body seemed the   
same, but there was no swagger, no cocky jaunt to his step. He seemed downtrodden,   
tired, and in no mood to talk.   
  
It seemed backwards. He was usually the comforter. But it seemed now their roles had   
reversed. And she didn't know what to do. Tentatively her hand reached out towards   
him. She kept her gaze straight ahead, afraid she would falter if she looked at him. As   
her hand settled on his back, she could feel the surprise ripple through him. But no sound   
was made. They just managed to sit there in silence for a few minutes.  
  
"You said 'we're glad you're back'. Who's glad? I didn't think I left any fans here   
besides Clem."  
  
"I'm sure Clem's glad you're back. But I was talking about Dawn and I. We missed   
you, especially since we didn't know where you were or when you would be back."  
  
"Didn't think you'd notice."  
  
Even his voice sounded weary to her. Wherever he'd been, it didn't seem like he'd come   
out for the better. Instead it seemed as if what had happened between them weighed on   
him even more. "I noticed. You're kind of hard not to notice. And Giles asked where   
you were."  
  
"So he could stake me?"  
  
"No one wants to stake you. Okay maybe Xander, but he doesn't count. Giles was just   
hoping you could help out and he wanted to talk to you."  
  
"I can go by the Magic Shoppe tomorrow. See what he wants."  
  
"He's not there. Went back to England. But he'll be back again in a few weeks."  
  
"Do you know what he wanted to talk about?"  
  
"Us. Me. Willow. But it's probably a good thing he's not here right now, cause I don't   
think you're in any shape to talk. Spike, where were you? What happened?"  
  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
  
"Okay. But I hope one day you'll tell me. You know, that we do have other stuff to talk   
about. And I do want to talk, have an actual conversation. I have a lot of things to say   
and I think you have a lot on your chest. I owe you some listening time. I'd like to do it   
soon, but not until you're ready."  
  
He didn't know what to say or how to feel. Emotions surged within him, fighting to   
make themselves known. But none came out on top. There was guilt and regret. With   
Buffy saying she wanted to talk to him, another emotion rose to the surface. It was new.   
Was it happiness? Hope?   
  
During the past few weeks, he thought he had worked his way through the gauntlet of   
human emotions. He thought he had himself under control. But now, one woman was   
about to unseat him from where he carefully balanced upon a precipice. The words he   
had prepared to hear from her hadn't been uttered. Instead, this whole conversation   
seemed like a dream.   
  
Things had changed since he had last been in Sunnydale. Buffy had changed. He could   
see it in her eyes. They weren't pools of despair, blank and unfeeling. She seemed   
happy to be alive. "Something happened."  
  
"Yeah. You missed out on a lot. Short version, Tara shot, Willow went all dark magic   
and tried to kill us all. Willow and Xander are in England with Giles, while she goes   
through rehab. I'm at least happy to be here, trudging through life, slaying, taking care of   
Dawn. I'm trying to not run from things and I'm trying to figure out the meaning of the   
word happiness."  
  
He hadn't expected that much to have happened. And he didn't know what to think. So   
he just focused on the person sitting next to him. He'd get the long version later and   
worry about the rest then. "You look good. You look happy." And she did. He was   
happy for her, he really was. But a small part of him wished that he had been the one to   
help her look alive again.   
  
"I feel good and happy for once."  
  
"And Dawn?"  
  
"She's good. She's just watching TV. I can get her if you want me to. She'd love to   
see you."  
  
"Not right now. I don't know what to say to her."  
  
Buffy could hear the unspoken sentences that followed. 'How do I tell Dawn that I tried   
to hurt her sister? How do ask for her forgiveness?' It seemed that while she had moved   
past that night in her bathroom, he had remained stagnant, wallowing in it. The guilt and   
pain that had graced his beautiful face was even more pronounced. Trying to repair   
whatever was broken between them was going to be harder than she had imagined.   
"Dawn has a lot bigger problems on her mind than you or me right now. Not that she   
doesn't have questions. But she'll give you a break from them. Just talk to her about her   
friends, music, and summer school."  
  
"She wasn't able to bring her grades up?"  
  
"No. And the tardies and skipped days didn't help any. But we made a pact and she'll   
go to school and study hard from now on."  
  
She thought that might give him an opening. But no, he didn't ask about their pact. She   
figured it was up to her to address it then. "I have to find a better job, one that has   
steadier hours." Buffy thought he'd be happy about that. She knew he had hated her   
working at the Doublemeat. But the only response from him was a merely sideways   
glance.  
  
"Why are we sitting here and doing this?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Us. Talking. Why are you giving me the time of day?"  
  
"I don't think I can give you a simple explanation. Do you want me to hate you for what   
happened? We each have to live with our own actions. And both of us have a lot to be   
ashamed for."  
  
"You're not the same Buffy that was here when I left."  
  
"And you don't seem like the Spike that left town without a goodbye. Don't do it again."  
  
"Evil." It seemed like a cop out. That wasn't his reason for leaving without saying a   
word. But it was his standard reaction to her, whenever she wanted to know why he had   
done something. Could he really call himself evil now? Or would he have to find a new   
word?  
  
"Yeah right. You have more human emotions than almost anyone I know, except for   
Dawn and her teenage hormones. Someone who's evil doesn't care about other people.   
They don't care who they hurt. You weren't evil these past few months Spike, I was."  
  
He just sat, not knowing what to say. He had come prepared to fight for the right to live,   
and prepared to die by her hand. In his head, he had a list of why having a soul was   
good. Why he should be allowed a second chance. And he had rehearsed how he would   
deliver that speech. But somehow it seemed he had been given a chance, without even a   
mention of the bloody thing. It threw him for a loop. He didn't know what to do.  
  
Standing up, Buffy slowly stretched her arms up, as if reaching for the sky. "You were   
missed Spike. More than you know. I have to get inside. I promised Dawn I'd watch   
TV with her."  
  
"Tell her I said I'll try to stop by and see her soon."  
  
"I will. Call first if you want to come during the day, so we can unlock the door. We got   
sick of people barging in all the time. Now that you're back we wouldn't want you to   
turn to dust."  
  
He watched her as she disappeared into the house. He almost felt like testing the limits.   
Could he still get in? He had a feeling he could walk straight in, without any barriers.   
And that scared him. It wasn't what he expected. This Buffy wasn't what he had   
expected to come back to. Now he didn't know quite what to do. 


	3. Chapter 3

Blurry 3/?  
Author: Amanda   
Summary: A few weeks after Grave in Sunnydale. And Spike's back!   
Rating: PG-13, for now   
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.   
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for her awesome work!   
  
  
*************  
  
It wasn't the same crypt he'd left behind. Sometime while he'd been gone, it had been   
set right again. Scorch marks were gone. Ash and debris cleared out. And a broken   
bookshelf and table held together by what appeared to be duct tape had taken residence.   
It seemed that Clem had been busy.  
  
But for all the cleaning that had occurred on the lower level, there was nothing down   
there that was as comfy as his chair on the upper level. Here, he could sit and rest and   
watch TV. At one time, his goal had been to get another TV for the downstairs. He had   
imagined snuggling with Buffy and watching late night talk shows after patrolling. But   
she'd blown that idea to pieces. And now, it seemed she'd blown all his other thoughts   
and ideas about their current state into smithereens.  
  
He didn't know what had happened last night. And he didn't like the fact that he had   
been sitting here for the last few hours trying to figure it out. He was almost afraid that it   
wasn't the soul feeling sorry for past deeds that made him contemplate life. No, it was   
Buffy. He had come to the conclusion that her hot and cold actions towards him caused   
the brooding.   
  
No, his past was done with. And he couldn't do much about it, so what was the point of   
feeling sorry over it. Okay, he was sorry, he just wasn't going to waste time over it. The   
only thing he contemplated over and over again was Buffy. And it wasn't brooding.   
Brooding was pondering things in despair, acting all gloomy. He was contemplating,   
reflecting and planning. It was so much healthier. And he thought it had been for a good   
cause.  
  
His mind had raced through the gauntlet of scenarios he would face upon his return.   
Finally, he had found the one that seemed the most likely. And he had planned what he   
would say, what he would do. But it was all for naught.   
  
He had never imagined that Buffy would want him to sit down beside her. He had   
envisioned themselves on opposite sides, when they faced each other again. But instead,   
she had seemed to forget about what had happened to them. Okay, maybe not forget,   
since she said they had to talk. But she didn't seem angry, or out to dust him. Instead, it   
seemed like she genuinely wanted to talk to him, carry on a conversation.   
  
The Buffy he had faced last night, was foreign to him. Someone that cared about him,   
missed him, wanted to talk to him. If she hadn't told him about Tara dying, he would   
have thought he was in a perfect world. But no, he was back in Sunnydale, where things   
had drastically changed. And he had no clue what to do now. A part of him was afraid   
his relationship with Buffy would begin to mirror the past year. At first, it had been nice.   
They had patrolled together, talked, spent time together. But when it became something   
more, she had kicked him around and he had let her. He didn't think he could handle that   
again. And he didn't want that, because they both deserved better.  
  
But then again, maybe she had had time to think and really wanted something different   
this time. He refused to get his hopes up, because for all he knew Buffy would show up   
any minute and she would rip his heart apart once more and do the Mexican hat dance on   
it.   
  
Briefly he entertained the idea of talking to Dawn. It was quickly rejected. The way to   
Buffy was definitely not through her sister and he was afraid there were already enough   
problems between him and Dawn that Buffy would only complicate things. He'd left   
behind a mess. A mess that maybe had halfway cleaned itself up without his help. But   
now, he was left floundering in the waste, trying to find his way out without any help.   
And he couldn't say he was extremely pleased with that.  
  
It was kind of hard to find your way to shore, when you didn't know where the shore   
was. And you weren't sure what awaited you once you reached there. But he should be   
used to it. That seemed to describe his past with Buffy.   
  
*************  
  
Dawn watched Buffy reach for the coffee. It was the same routine every morning. Wait   
to approach Buffy about something until the coffee was in her hand. Otherwise, the   
answer was surely 'no,' even if you were asking if she wanted a million dollars. It didn't   
matter if she drank the coffee or not, it just had to be in her hand. Dawn wondered if   
osmosis was at play there?   
  
Dawn had tried to drink coffee once. And she made it about halfway to her mouth with   
the mug before it had been ripped out of her hands. Buffy had said it was for adults only   
and besides, her growth would be stunted. She had that look in her eye that Mom had on   
occasion. 'Don't even think of talking back, lest you want to lose your head. Merely   
accept what I say.' But it didn't stop Dawn from thinking of her reply.  
  
'Maybe that's what happened to you Buffy, drank coffee too early in life. But hey, I   
think I could use some. Stunted growth is needed, especially when I grew another inch in   
the last month.' But it was a lost cause. Coffee was not in her future. Milk or orange   
juice was considered an acceptable breakfast beverage for her.  
  
"Anya called while you were in the shower. She said she has a job prospect for you.   
And she needs some help moving things about at the Magic Shoppe."  
  
It seemed it was typical morning, Buffy thought. Anya calling the house about   
something or another, and wanting her help. They never talked much when Buffy went   
over to help Anya out. They would just swap niceties about the weather, Dawn, and   
discuss the rebuilding of the Magic Shoppe. But it was nice to talk to another adult, to   
have someone around that didn't listen to the Backstreet Boys. And she had a sneaking   
suspicion that Anya kept changing her mind about where to put the counter that held the   
register, just so Buffy would come by and she would have someone to talk to. So   
wanting her to come over was nothing new. But the job thing was.  
  
"I'll stop by and see her. Did she give you a clue what kind of job she had in mind.   
Should I be scared or grateful?  
  
"She's just trying to help."  
  
"I know she is Dawn. And I appreciate it. I'm just not sure that her idea of a good job is   
the same as mine. But I'm fairly certain that it's better than the Doublemeat."  
  
"Anything is better than working there."  
  
"Dawn, we need to talk."  
  
The serious way Buffy said those five words convinced Dawn she'd done something   
wrong. Summer school hadn't started yet, so it couldn't be related to that. She hadn't   
tried to sneak around lately. She hadn't done anything and wasn't going to be blamed for   
whatever had happened. "But I didn't do anything!"  
  
"And I didn't say you did. Spike's back." Buffy just sat and waited for Dawn's reaction.   
But there wasn't one. No expression, no comment. "He showed up a little after you went   
inside last night."  
  
Dawn wanted to dance a jig, but didn't think it was an appropriate reaction when Buffy   
was sitting there with her serious face on. Spike was back and things could be fixed,   
problems solved. Maybe then Buffy would quit thinking so much. She was afraid that   
Buffy was starting to rival Angel in brooding.   
  
Yeah, she knew things weren't going to be perfect. But she didn't think they could get   
worse than they had already been. The only place to go was up. Except when Buffy had   
this serious look on her face. She knew that Buffy had missed him and wanted to try and   
fix things, so if she was all serious, it must not be good. But then again, sometimes   
Buffy's judgment was a little skewed. And hey, even she knew that Buffy had faults and   
sometimes her big epiphanies didn't stay with her. She just blurted out the worst possible   
thing she could think of, within reason of course, because she didn't think Spike would   
really hurt Buffy. "Is he stalking you again?"  
  
"No. He's… he's different Dawn. He seemed broken to me. And for once in his life, he   
wouldn't talk. You know how he normally won't ever shut up? He wasn't like that last   
night. And before, he always wanted to talk about us. About our relationship. But not   
last night."  
  
"Did he say anything about me?" She hoped she projected the right amount of hope,   
without appearing overly anxious. Things with Buffy had changed, and she paid more   
attention to her now. Maybe when Spike was gone, he realized that he wanted to spend   
more time with her as well.   
  
"He asked how you were. And said he'd stop by and see you soon." Buffy could tell   
how hopeful Dawn was. She made a mental note to herself to add it to the list of things   
to talk to Spike about. Dawn time was a must. For both of them. And if she had to, she   
could be devious and use Dawn time as a way of spending time with Spike.   
  
The Spike that came back wasn't the same one she knew. He'd changed. Did he still   
love her? Did he still want to spend time with her? Or was someone laughing at her   
from up above, waiting for her to try and pursue Spike. Were the tables going to be   
turned? She still wasn't quite sure what she wanted, but she knew it was something   
better than what she had made it. And Spike had offered her something better at one   
time. Who knew if it could ever happen now?   
  
But a small part of her wanted to try it, even though it wouldn't be easy after all they had   
been through. And that small part of her warred with the part that said it was wrong. In   
the middle though, was a vast space that was empty, just waiting to be convinced at   
which side to take. Slowly, though she thought it was starting to root for the possible-  
boyfriend Spike side. She wondered if he still wanted that. He had at one time. But   
what about now that she wanted to maybe try it on and see if it fit? With her luck, the   
offer was now rescinded. And she would have no one to blame but herself.  
  
"Hello. Earth to Buffy?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I've been trying to talk to you, but you were all spaced out."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"I know. You were thinking again. I said that I'm going over to Janice's today. Her   
mom said she'd bring me home around six. Can you take me over?"  
  
"Can't you get her to pick you up?"  
  
"But you got your license."  
  
"And I think Giles bribed the guy. Buffy and cars do not mix. You know that."  
  
"Then why did you go and get it? And why do we still have Mom's car sitting in the   
garage? Why haven't you sold it? You know we could use the money. Or, maybe   
secretly you really want to drive."  
  
"Do you really want to put your life in danger with me behind the wheel?"  
  
"When you put it that way…."  
  
"I'll think about selling car. But in the meantime, get ready. I need to get going, and if   
you look presentable, I'll walk you over to Janice's."  
  
"Buffy! It's daylight outside. I think I can walk by myself."  
  
"Just thought you might want someone to talk to." Buffy waited to see if Dawn took her   
up on the offer. But Dawn just met her with a look of fifteen year old determination.   
"Okay, fine. But lock the door behind you."  
  
"I know. And don't worry; I'll look both ways before crossing the street. And I won't   
take any candy from strangers."   
  
Dawn watched as Buffy left through the front door, shaking her head at Dawn's sarcasm.   
She wondered if she had time to swing by Spike's crypt and still get to Janice's before   
anyone would wonder where she was.   
  
Trying to calculate the time in her head, she picked up the phone after the first ring. But   
seeing Spike would have to wait for another day, as plans to be picked up and driven to   
the mall were made. 


	4. Chapter 4

Blurry 4/?  
Author: Amanda   
Summary: A few weeks after Grave in Sunnydale. And Spike's back!   
Rating: PG, for now   
Disclaimers: Nothing belongs to me I only wish they did, because then I wouldn't be   
dragging myself to school everyday and facing repaying lots of loans back.  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.   
  
**************  
  
Buffy found Anya, along with Clem, huddled over a bunch of books. It wasn't unusual   
for Clem to be at the Magic Shoppe. However, he was usually only there at nights. The   
building had been in shambles after Willow's destruction, but surprisingly a lot of the   
stock had been spared. Most of the books were fine, after they had picked them up off of   
the floor. Somehow, all the words had returned to their pages. She had asked for an   
explanation, but twenty seconds after Giles had started to explain, she tuned him out.   
Nothing that was breakable had made it through the storm. But herbs, eyeballs, mummy   
hands, and whatever else that Anya kept behind the counter and in the basement were   
fine. And it seemed that Anya kept most of the expensive goods down in the basement.  
  
Since the store wasn't secure, Anya had hired Clem to stay there at nights and watch over   
everything. And Clem had apologized profusely for taking Dawn to Rack's. He had   
tried to make amends by offering to fix her dinner, but she had passed upon the gourmet   
meal of liverwurst and cheese doodles. She wasn't as upset as she should be, since she   
knew how Dawn could be. And no male could resist when Dawn turned her big green   
eyes upon him. Spike, Xander, Giles, and Clem all seemed to be under Dawn's spell.  
  
"Buffy! I'm so glad you're here. Wait till you hear the idea I have."  
  
Buffy wondered if it resembled the idea of charging the citizens of Sunnydale for   
preemptively saving them. Actually it wasn't a bad idea, just not a feasible one. Too bad   
she couldn't do a 'Peter Parker' and earn money that way. But for that to happen,   
Sunnydale would have to open their eyes and realize that vampires and demons roamed   
about.  
  
"Is it about the job?"  
  
"One of them. You're going to love it! And all the credit goes to Clem."  
  
"Well I just made a suggestion. You're the one that ran with it."  
  
"But without you Clem, I never would have been able to make all these plans. Picture   
this Buffy. Lots of money."   
  
Anya beamed at her, waiting for her reply. Buffy though that if she had as much money   
as Anya did, she would beam too. "Money's good. I could always use more money."  
  
"We're going to make a fortune."  
  
"I gotta go," Clem interrupted. "I'll think about what other stock you might want to carry   
and let you know tomorrow."  
  
"Thanks for watching the store Clem. You know I don't just trust anyone with watching   
the store and my money."  
  
Buffy watched Anya and Clem head towards the basement. He always used the tunnels   
to get from the crypt to here. She wondered if he knew Spike was back. He could have   
been back for a week already and she was just finding out.   
  
"Anya. Are you going to tell me what great job ideas you have for me?"  
  
"We're going to run a store for demons!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Think about it Buffy. Demons need magic supplies and other stuff, just like we do.   
Unfortunately, most of them can't get what they need and they pay exorbitant prices on   
the black market. So if we open the Magic Shoppe after hours two nights a month to   
them, we can make a killing."  
  
"I thought we agreed that I wasn't shop girl material."  
  
"You're the bouncer. Clem, Dawn and I will take care of the customers. You'll keep all   
the customers in line. We'll need to get you a partner. Someone I can trust. Keep an eye   
out for any demons that look trustworthy and don't kill them till I can talk to them and   
see if they are interested in a job."  
  
"Spike's back. Maybe he could help out. I'm sure he'd like the money. Because I'm   
sure the pay is going to very high." Buffy made sure to stress the words 'very high.' She   
wanted to make sure that Anya was aware that she wouldn't get away with paying them   
minimum wage. But she could probably suck it up and work for minimum wage if she   
could convince Spike to help out. Actually the part-time job would probably be right up   
his alley. Possible violence, a little money, and spending time with her. Okay, the last   
one might not work anymore, but the other two would probably be good incentives for   
him.   
  
"Is that why you look like shit?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Not that your outfit isn't very nice, because it is. And you tried hard, but I can see that   
you still look very tired and your hair just has a limp look to it. Was Spike giving you   
lots of orgasms last night? Is that why you didn't get any sleep? But most people look   
nice and fresh, very relaxed when they receive orgasms. At least I always did."  
  
"Anya, what Spike and I had is over."  
  
"Oh, so you just couldn't sleep because you were thinking about him all night. I did that   
when I was falling in love with Xander. But of course now I wish I hadn't wasted that   
time on him."   
  
Buffy tried to block out the 'falling in love' part. She was just admitting to herself that   
she missed the guy and wanted to explore something more with him. She wasn't thinking   
about love right now. "Do you regret what you had with Xander? Would you ever get   
back with him?"  
  
"Do I regret it? No, because then I wouldn't have the store or you as my friend. Do I   
wish I hadn't gone through all that pain? Yes. But I learned from it. I learned that   
someone has to accept all of me. And if they won't, they don't love me."  
  
That made sense to Buffy. She wanted someone who could accept her and the slayer.   
Someone she didn't have to hide from. And she figured that went both ways. She would   
have to accept all the qualities of anyone she dated, or was even friends with. "You mean   
the demon part of you and your human qualities?"  
  
"Yes. Is this about Spike? You know I have no feelings for him at all. It was nothing.   
Just two people comforting each other. And he was very comforting. And I wouldn't   
mind that kind of comfort again. But not from him Buffy. And if I had known that you   
two were together, or had really been together, it never would have happened. I didn't   
want to hurt you. You believe me right? We're still friends?"  
  
"I believe you Anya. And yeah, we're still friends."  
  
"Cause I would hate me, if I were you. I mean, I broke one of the rules in the girlfriend   
rule book. It must have hurt you a lot."  
  
"We weren't together. We were never really together. At least not the way couples   
should be. And I don't hate you. That doesn't mean that I don't have some bad feelings   
about it that I need to work through myself, but I don't hate you."  
  
"That's good then. Just make sure you let me know about any more of your orgasm   
buddies, so that I don't break any more rules. Can we get back to Spike now? I want to   
know how you feel about his demon."  
  
"Do you think you can find someone who will embrace all of you? Do you think they   
will be able to understand your need for vengeance?"  
  
"Oh, I don't have a need for vengeance. I just have a need to help women that hurt, and   
let them wreak their own vengeance. But I've been rather busy lately and the vengeance   
demon thingy has faltered. But if someone couldn't love all of me, veiny face and all,   
then they really didn't know me. So what about you and Spike?"  
  
"But what about all your years of hurting people? How can you expect them to forget   
that? Are you sorry?"  
  
"I never thought about it before. It's just what demons do. Is that the problem with you   
and Spike? Can you not forget what he did? Is the problem that he isn't sorry?"  
  
"Maybe part of it. How can I trust him if he gets the chip out? And what if I do trust him   
and he betrays that trust? What do I do then?"  
  
"I trusted Xander. But just because of him, that doesn't mean I won't trust the next man   
that comes around. This time I'll just make sure I know him better. This time maybe   
we'll make less with the orgasms and more with the talking… or do both."  
  
"But how do I trust Spike? Could you ever trust Xander again, not to break your heart?"  
  
"Xander wouldn't lower himself to be with me again. He's a speciest. And as for Spike.   
If you didn't already trust him at least a little, would you be questioning how you can   
trust him? Would you be scared that he would betray it? I don't think so. I think you   
wouldn't give another thought about him, if he didn't mean anything and if you weren't   
afraid. So… you and Spike. I'll have to find someone and we can double date."  
  
As Anya continued on, about trying to find someone to date, Buffy tuned her out. Anya   
had given her some pretty good insight into what she would have to do, to have any type   
of relationship with Spike. And she was right. She did trust Spike and that was scarier   
than anything else, because she didn't know the last time she had really trusted anyone.   
When Glory had been around, Spike was the only one she had trusted to take care of   
Dawn. To protect her. She didn't trust Giles, Willow, or Xander. No, only Spike. And   
it was scary, to think that something would happen and she couldn't trust him.   
  
And she wanted someone to accept all of her. Spike probably wanted the same thing and   
she had hurt him when she couldn't accept all of him. All she had ever wanted him for   
was to help her. But she'd taken that help and thrown it back in his face. What had she   
ever offered him?  
  
*************  
  
Sitting up, he didn't know where he was, what he was doing. But then it came back to   
him. He was in Sunnydale. In his crypt. He wasn't hiding in some cave or abandoned   
building, trying to escape from sunlight. No, he was home. And the banging down   
below is what had woken him from slumber.  
  
One floppy hand appeared in his view, then another, followed by Clem. Who then gave a   
big shout at seeing Spike and fell back down the ladder. It seemed Clem was still   
frightened easily. At least some things remained the same.  
  
"Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you."  
  
"No, it's okay. I just didn't know you were back. Good to see you. How long you been   
back?"  
  
"I got in last night. I saw Buffy and then came here."  
  
"She didn't say anything about seeing you."  
  
"You've seen Buffy this morning?"  
  
"At the Magic Shoppe. She came in to talk to Anya. I've been helping them out, looking   
after the place since it was busted up."  
  
"The shop was wrecked?"  
  
"The red headed witch… Willow, she tore the place. They're rebuilding and needed   
someone to watch things at night. You sure missed out on a lot while you were gone.   
Just a day after you left, Buffy came looking for you, needing your help."  
  
"My help?"   
  
"She had Dawn with her. Wanted you to watch her, keep her safe. She missed you. At   
least I think she missed you. Sometimes it's hard to read things with her. I don't think   
I've ever seen anyone so closed off from her feelings, like she is. And you know how   
Vlarikonov demons are. No feelings, no thoughts. Well, she's way above them."  
  
"Buffy hasn't had it easy. What did she do with Dawn?"  
  
"She stayed here with me. And then we got into lots of trouble, because she told me that   
you would take her to Rack's."  
  
Spike continued to listen all that happened in the forty-eight hours after he left. The   
terror, the mayhem that had followed his departure. He knew he wouldn't have been able   
to prevent it, but if he had been here he could have done something. At least he could   
have kept Dawn safe. He could have helped Buffy that way.  
  
"So the watcher took Willow to England? He actually thinks they can help her?"  
  
"They're supposed to remove all her powers. And Xander went with them. You know, if   
he had cared about Anya the way he does Willow, he never would have run out on his   
own wedding. Anya's absolutely wonderful. And did you know she's a demon now?"  
  
"Yeah, I knew. That boy never did have any sense."  
  
"So you're back now and souled up. Do you feel better now? Do you really think that   
you and Buffy are going to work now? Like I told you, she has issues."  
  
"I don't know about Buffy and I, but I know a little more about me now. I've changed   
Clem and things aren't going to be the same."  
  
"You seem the same to me."  
  
"I'm not evil anymore. I'm not the big bad."  
  
"Hate to break it to you Spike, old buddy, nobody was scared of you because we thought   
you were evil. We were scared because you're one of the good guys." 


	5. Chapter 5

Blurry 5/?  
Author: Amanda   
Summary: A few weeks after Grave in Sunnydale. And Spike's back!   
Rating: PG, for now   
Disclaimers: Nothing belongs to me I only wish they did, because then I wouldn't be   
dragging myself to school everyday and facing repaying lots of loans back.  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.   
  
*************  
  
It was so quiet. If she wasn't afraid that Buffy might come through the door any minute   
and catch her, she'd turn the TV on. But Buffy had left with strict instructions that she   
couldn't do anything until her homework was finished. Summer was supposed to be   
about having fun, relaxing, sleeping in and spending time with friends. But not for her.   
No, she had to go to school so that she could get into a good college and get a good job   
And she had to make lots of money so that she could support Buffy. Or so Buffy said.   
  
After finishing up the last of her algebra problems, she wondered into the kitchen to see   
what she could snack upon. But snack food wasn't plentiful in the Summers household.   
Whatever food their refrigerator held, tended towards meals of chicken and fresh   
vegetables. And no teenager ate chicken or vegetables as a snack. She longed for the   
days when Mom would have homemade cookies and rice crispy treats around for her.   
But those days were past and now the only food they had was what was essential to three   
square meals.  
  
She often wondered where the money had gone. Or why Dad didn't send any for them.   
But Buffy told her that it wasn't her problem, her worry. She would handle it and do   
whatever was necessary to make sure she had food and clothes.   
  
Except for Anya's foray into opening the shop after hours to demons, job prospects still   
didn't look good for Buffy. She had interviewed for a position at a pet store. Anya had   
thought she would be perfect. Spiders and snakes shouldn't scare her, since she dealt   
with demons and monsters on a daily basis. But the birds did scare Buffy, and when one   
parrot loudly squawked at her, she ran out and proclaimed that the pet store was not for   
her. Even though the kittens had been cute and cuddly and she did want to make sure   
none of them got sold to kitten poker players.  
  
Buffy had then proceeded to fill her in on the demon bar Spike had brought her to. And   
her foray into kitten poker. They'd realized how funny the whole thing sounded and had   
laughed themselves silly. Kitten poker. Only Spike would be involved in something so   
silly and so unevil.   
  
A soft knock at the back door interrupted her thoughts It really could only be one person.   
He had been back in town for several days, but neither she nor Buffy had heard from him.   
Buffy had kept reassuring her that he would come by and see her after he had settled back   
in. But she had gotten antsy.  
  
Opening the door, she looked him up and down. He looked the same to her, despite what   
Buffy proclaimed. Black, beat up shoes. Black jeans and a long sleeve black shirt.   
Okay, the duster was missing. And the bleach blonde hair wasn't quite slicked back. If   
she looked real close, she was pretty sure she could see curls. She'd tried to tell him once   
that his hair curled if he didn't slick it back. But he'd made her take it back and proclaim   
that he wasn't a nancy boy with curly hair.   
  
"So you came back." As happy as she was to see him, she was still mad. She didn't plan   
to let him off that easy.  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
She merely stood back from the door, so that she didn't block the way. He looked   
apprehensive, but stepped on through. "Why'd you come back?"  
  
"It's home. And you're here."  
  
"Buffy's here you mean."  
  
Teenagers, he thought. He hadn't doubted the fact that Buffy said Dawn had missed him.   
But he wondered why she neglected to mention that Dawn was mad at him. Probably for   
leaving without saying goodbye. And of course the whole mess with Anya and who   
knew what else. And a Summers woman pissed usually did not bode well for him. "I   
wouldn't go off forever and leave you. I told you, I'd always be around to make sure   
you're okay."  
  
"But you can leave without saying goodbye?"  
  
"I'm sorry. You're right, I should have said goodbye. But I didn't and I can't do it   
differently now. I'm here now though and next time I'll say goodbye."  
  
Next time, she thought. He's already planning on going away again. But he just got   
back. She was glad now that she held herself back from giving him a hug. If he wasn't   
going to stay, she wanted him to walk right back out the door and not come see her again.   
Too many people had left, and she didn't want to rely on anyone that wasn't going to   
stick around. "So you plan on leaving again?"   
  
"I didn't say that. Just if I need to make another trip, I'll let you know next time."  
  
"Oh. Okay, want to watch TV then? Buffy cancelled the cable, but we might be able to   
find something on."  
  
  
  
*************  
  
She could see small flickers of light through the front curtains. She couldn't see what   
time it was, but she was pretty sure it was after midnight. And if Dawn was still up, she   
might kill her. Standing at the front door, she realized that right now would be a good   
time for the door to be unlocked. But with unlocked doors, came unwanted visitors at   
inopportune times. If her clothes weren't already ruined, they would desperately need to   
be soaked, so what was a little demon gunk in her pockets.  
  
Key in hand, she softly walked into the house. Dawn was either asleep, or in trouble and   
either way she didn't want Dawn to know she was there until she could figure out which   
one it was. But she was the one surprised by what awaited her. The TV cast flashes of   
light across the two. Both were asleep, Spike with his head resting against the back of   
the couch and Dawn leaning against his shoulder.   
  
She wondered if this is what it was like last summer? She hadn't been aware how many   
times Spike had kept Dawn company, until Dawn had revealed it to her. It seemed while   
everyone else had been planning to bring her back to life, they had left Spike taking care   
of Dawn. It definitely hadn't been what she had expected of her friends, to willingly let   
Spike take care of Dawn. But she was glad it had happened that way. It was what she   
had wanted, Spike to protect her till the end of the world. He had taken that to heart.   
And she had interrupted that protection, having his attention focused on her instead of   
Dawn.  
  
And when Spike hadn't been around, Dawn had had Tara looking out for her. And Buffy   
hadn't taken over either responsibility when Dawn had been left alone. But that would   
change know. It wouldn't be easy, but summer school could be a practice run for when   
the real thing came around. And Spike was around now and she could make sure that he   
was there for Dawn once again.  
  
If she listened to herself, it almost sounded for a minute like they were going to be   
playing house. The perfect mommy and daddy, watching out for their perfect child. But   
she knew that wasn't the case. She was just an adult, trying to do the best thing for her   
sister. Give her the best life that she could. And if that involved having a smoking,   
blood-sucking, undead man as a father figure slash rebellious older brother, she'd suck it   
up. Because it was one thing for her to want Spike in her life, but it was quite another for   
her to want him to be a role model to Dawn. But it seemed he'd been doing well in that   
role, until she got in the way.   
  
It was then she noticed that he was staring at her. At some point in her standing and   
musing, while dripping on the floor, he'd woken up.   
  
"She fell asleep down here and I didn't want to wake her up."  
  
"That's okay. I'm glad you were here. I didn't expect to be gone so long."  
  
"Ran into some problems?" he questioned, his eyebrow perfectly arched and his head   
tilted.  
  
He needs to patent that look she thought. It was the head tilt, questioning gaze that   
melted her every time she saw it. And he always got just the hint of a smile on his face.   
She wondered if he heard her heart start to beat faster. Were those myths or were they   
truths? And would she reveal herself if she asked? "Yeah. I need to get cleaned up."  
  
"I'll carry Dawn upstairs and be gone."  
  
"You don't have to leave. Well, unless you want to. But you can hang around here for   
awhile."  
  
"You've got to get cleaned up and get to sleep."  
  
"That will only take a minute. I wanted to talk to you."  
  
"I really should get going."  
  
"About Dawn." Thinking that he might construe that as she wanting to cut off his contact   
with Dawn, she quickly sprang forward to try and make her point clearer. "About you   
spending more time with Dawn and all. Can you hang around for just a few minutes. If   
you got somewhere to be, I can make it quick."  
  
"Go take a shower. I'll be here when you get out."  
  
As she made her way back down the stairs, she heard voices. The voice of one sister who   
was supposed to be fast asleep upstairs. Especially considering it was almost two in the   
morning.  
  
"Xander, guess who's back."   
  
Buffy heard Dawn speak and tried to contain her internal groan. This was so not going to   
be good. And after the night she had just had, she just might lose it and spontaneously   
combust on anyone that dared to cross her.   
  
"It's Spike. He's back. And you won't believe where he's been."  
  
Buffy sank down on the steps of the staircase and counted to ten. She wondered if she   
went back upstairs and took another shower, would anyone notice? Hey, maybe she   
could stay in the shower for the next year. The only problem would be the water bill.  
  
"Well that's rude. How would you like someone to say mean things about you like that?   
And anyways, Buffy said it isn't any of our business. It's between…."   
  
Dawn trailed off as Buffy took the phone out of her hand. "Hello Xander. It's quite late   
and Dawn has school tomorrow. Are you aware of what time it is? Hold on a minute.  
  
"Dawn, get to bed."  
  
"Xander said he had important news that couldn't wait."  
  
"Then I'll tell you what it is in the morning. You'll have to get up in a few hours and you   
need your sleep."  
  
"What about you? And where were you?"  
  
"I've gone many times with less sleep than I'll get tonight. I was out slaying, ran into a   
problem."  
  
"Look, I'll just be heading off. I'll catch up with you another time."  
  
"No!" Buffy shouted. "Spike sit back down and drink your hot chocolate. This will only   
take a minute. And Dawn, upstairs and in bed." Seeing that both were about to protest,   
she continued on with, "And you both better listen to me."  
  
Dawn trudged up the stairs in silence. She would have sat at the top step and listened, but   
Buffy stood at the bottom of the stairs, making sure that she couldn't. Life was so unfair.   
  
Spike watched Buffy as she tried to interject a word in-between Xander's ramblings.   
Eventually she gave up and held the phone out into the air. He could pick up the whole   
conversation and it wasn't making him feel to good. Words like rapist, evil, immoral,   
self-serving were heard. And he knew Xander used them to describe him. But Buffy   
didn't seem to want to hear any of it. After a few minutes, she seemed to reach her limit.  
  
"Xander, shut up. I don't want to hear another word from you about Spike. Why did you   
call?"   
  
He thought that might be the first time she semi stood up for him. But then there was the   
time she needed him to steal the RV for their trip in running from Glory. She had told   
them to back off from him then. He was needed then, to help protect Dawn, to provide   
muscle in the fight. But now, without needing for him any type of fight, she made one of   
her friends leave him alone. He wondered if something had happened to the water while   
he was gone. This Buffy was getting stranger and stranger. And she was turning pale   
right before his very eyes.  
  
"Is Giles there?" She made her way into the living room and sank on the floor. She   
didn't need this now. She wasn't prepared to cope with this right now. A few more   
weeks is what she'd been told. Giles' voice on the other end brought an end to her   
thoughts.  
  
"Buffy. Isn't it late there? Why are you still up?"  
  
"Late night patrolling Giles. But Xander's the one who called."  
  
"I guess he couldn't wait to tell you the news."  
  
"I thought she wasn't ready to come home yet."  
  
"The coven thinks she's ready. Her powers are binded and she needs to assimilate herself   
back into society and cope with her actions."  
  
"You're really going to be here in two days?"  
  
"I've been busy arranging the flight plans for us all. Xander's mom is going to drop his   
car off at the airport."  
  
"Well that's good. I really got to go Giles. I'm glad you're coming back though."  
  
"Don't forget Willow and Xander, too. Any luck on the job front."  
  
"Not for a full time position, that's compatible with Dawn's school hours. But I'm   
looking. I'll find something eventually. I promise. And I'll pay you back. I've gotten   
pretty good at keeping track of our finances, I'll have to show you the breakdown of the   
last few weeks."  
  
"Don't worry about the money. And I have some ideas on the job front. Don't take a job   
until I get there and we can talk."  
  
"I don't think I'm in any danger of that happening. And in case you didn't hear, Spike's   
back. And like I told Dawn, and Xander will get the same talk from me, we'll share   
some details of what happened between us, but not all. What happened between us, we   
have to work out ourselves with no outside interference. And no one stakes him."  
  
"Just let him know that I want to talk to him. And I'll let Anya know when we'll arrive."  
  
"Thanks Giles. Goodnight. Or good morning."  
  
Clicking the off button, she threw the phone on the ground and buried her head in her   
hands.   
  
"You okay pet?"  
  
"No. Yes. No. I don't know."  
  
"If you still want to talk…."  
  
"How do you tell your best friend that she's not welcome in your house anymore? And   
that she can't be around Dawn without supervision? And how do I stand against the   
onslaught of Xander, who will go apeshit over that? She wasn't supposed to come back   
for a couple more weeks. How do I tell Dawn?"  
  
He couldn't remember the last time she had asked his opinion on something. Had she   
ever asked for his opinion? "Uh. Well, you got to be firm with them. Like you were on   
the phone. And just tell them. You'll figure it out, you always do."  
  
"Thanks. I wanted to talk to you about Dawn. About trying to make things better for   
her. But I can't do it right now."  
  
"Fine. Just stop by whenever you have time. You know where I live."  
  
"Can you come by the Magic Shoppe tomorrow? A little after noon? I'll be there. We   
can talk then and I need some help putting the training room back in order. And Anya   
wanted to talk to you about helping out with the store? Unless you have plans or   
something."  
  
"I'll come by."  
  
"Just see yourself out. I don't feel like getting up." She watched as he left. It didn't   
seem right without the duster swirling behind him. Life had been bordering on good.   
Spike was back and she thought she had time to start working things out with him. She   
had thought if things were going good between them when Xander, Willow and Giles got   
back from London, maybe she wouldn't have to put up with a lot of yelling, nasty words,   
and ugly scenes. They would just have to live with what had already happened. But life   
decided to get complicated.   
  
She had a vampire that didn't want to talk to her. A teenage sister that probably fell   
asleep trying to eavesdrop from her bedroom door. A witch that was supposedly without   
any powers, that scared her sister. A best friend that questioned all her life choices and   
didn't do it kindly. And a watcher that wanted to talk to her vampire and probably   
threaten him.   
  
The only one she didn't have any problems with was Anya. She wondered how much   
money Anya would charge in lessons on saying what is on your mind. She might need to   
brush up on that. Life sucked and it was just the start of summer. 


	6. Chapter 6

Blurry 6/?  
Author: Amanda   
Summary: A few weeks after Grave in Sunnydale. And Spike's back!   
Rating: PG13, for now   
Disclaimers: Nothing belongs to me. I only wish they did, because then I wouldn't be   
dragging myself to school everyday and facing repaying lots of loans back.  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.   
  
*************  
  
"Delivery service?"  
  
"Yeah. Think about it. You run into an emergency and need something, you run to the   
store. What if a demon runs into an emergency? They might have to wait two more   
weeks until they come in here and buy it. With a delivery service, they can have it a lot   
quicker. And we can tack on a substantial fee."  
  
"What's next? Selling DVD's?"  
  
Buffy wished she could take those words back. She could see the light bulb come on in   
Anya's head. It was scary the way her mind worked.  
  
"That's a great idea. We can buy the ones from Hollywood Video that have already been   
viewed, repackage them and sell them."  
  
"I was only kidding."  
  
"Do you want to be a part of this or not?"  
  
"I'm still thinking about it. I do have some reservations. We aren't going to be selling   
anything illegal are we?"  
  
"Of course not. This is all above board. You'll even be paying income taxes."  
  
"You mean I don't get paid under the table?"  
  
"As an individual you must do your part and contribute to your country. Like me! Stick   
with me Buffy, you'll have a portfolio to rival mine in no time."  
  
Portfolio? Portfolio of what? Anya was driving her crazy. First with her incessant talk   
of wanting Xander to stay in England. Okay, so she wanted that too. And yes, she knew   
she was a bad friend for wanting that. But she didn't vocalize it. Then, just going on and   
on about this new business venture. You'd think Anya was planning a war with the lists   
and notes she'd made. At least she knew who to call now for help in planning to   
overthrow one in motion.   
  
She knew Anya was antsy though. She was ready to open the shop back up, but had   
agreed to wait for Giles to be back. It wouldn't be that much longer now. And Anya was   
at least in a good mood about him coming back earlier, instead of sulking about how she   
was loosing money. Giles. Giles and selling to demons. She hoped to god, that Anya   
had run this by him.  
  
"Anya, did you tell Giles about this new little venture of yours? Running a legal   
underground store for demons?"  
  
"Why would I tell Giles? Do you think he'd have some ideas?"  
  
"Because he deserves a cut of the profits. And you still haven't told me what my share   
is."  
  
"Why would he get a share of the profits? He's not doing anything. It's not like he…."  
  
"It's not like he what? Owns the place? That is what you were going to say isn't it? He   
does own the place, unless someone forgot to tell me something. Does Giles still own   
this or not?"  
  
"I got to get back to work. Clem gave me a lot of ideas and I need to work them out."  
  
"Anya."  
  
"I'm not supposed to talk about it. Don't make me talk about it. I promised. I told him   
this was a bad idea."  
  
"Oh god, he's not coming back. He's not, is he? He's just going to drop the psycho   
witch off and toddle off back to Merry Old England." In her mind she knew he wouldn't   
stay forever. But she at least thought he'd stay for a few weeks. Or a month or two. She   
really didn't think he'd do a hit and run.  
  
"Uh, well." Spotting the door to the basement opening, she took the opportunity to   
address Buffy's attention elsewhere. "Spike! Boy am I glad to see you!" At the look   
Buffy gave her, half what do you mean, stay away from my vampire and half, you're so   
lucky I'm letting you off the hook, she tried to rectify what she said. "Not glad to see   
you in that kind of way, you know. Just glad, because you're my friend. And Buffy's   
friend. And Buffy's glad you're back, so I'm glad. And I need to go over there and look   
at my paperwork."   
  
"Buffy," she whispered, "don't forget to ask him about that thing, you know. And the   
delivery thing. Then get back with me. I need to know if I need to compose an add for   
The Demon Times or not."  
  
The Demon Times? Buffy did not want to go there. It was so much easier when she   
lived in her little world of slayer good, demons evil. Slayer kills all demons, doesn't   
carry on conversations with them, isn't friends or anything beyond friends with them.   
Yes, life was so much less complicated when she had been sixteen.  
  
After awhile, he couldn't ignore her eyes on him. They'd hung all her swords up, set up   
the new punching bag, arranged her weights exactly where she wanted them. The whole   
time he had felt her sneaking glances at him. He felt like he was under a microscope.   
Like she was looking right through him and could see the soul in his chest. She was   
examining it, seeing if it was worthy of him. Of course that was just his imagination, as   
only Clem knew. At least as far as he was aware.  
  
Or maybe she was as unsure of him, as he was of her. Maybe she was trying to figure out   
how to start a conversation. Maybe her overtures of niceties weren't an act and she was   
worried about him. With Dawn it had been easy. As soon as he told her he wouldn't   
leave again, she'd been in his arms chattering away. The walls between them weren't   
bricks, mortar, concrete, and steel.   
  
"If you have something to say, just say it."   
  
"I wanted to talk to you about Dawn. She's been through a rough time."  
  
"She told me all about it. But she's handling it okay. She said it helps that you're around   
a lot. And Anya. For some reason, she likes to spend time with Anya these days. She   
used to hate it before."  
  
"Anya treats her like an adult now. Not like a kid, needing to be pat on the head. But   
still, she has a lot on her mind."  
  
"And you don't. She told me what happened."  
  
"Huh? Which thing?"  
  
"About you getting shot. And what Willow did to you. She said it was nothing, but it   
wasn't was it? It wasn't nothing to you."  
  
Buffy put down the knife she'd been twirling. She had a feeling this conversation was   
about to get pretty deep and she didn't think she needed to be holding any dangerous   
weapons. Why could Spike always see everything? Why couldn't she fool him? How   
did he always know?"  
  
"I was shot," she said, as if it was no big deal. "She pulled the bullet out. End of story."  
  
"You were dead. Maybe for only a second or so. But you were dead. And she pulled   
you back to life. Don't lie to me. You didn't before, don't lie now."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Why's it different this time? Why are you so happy now? And why could you forgive   
her before, but not now? And why am I the only one you'll confide in?"  
  
"You want some simple answer? Well I don't have one. All I have are fragments of   
thoughts, that I piece together everyday. Do I want to be here? Not really. I had a touch   
of peace again. But no one wants me to have that. But what do I have to show for the   
past year? Just a fucked up life. So I can choose to try and do something about it, or I   
can wallow in self-pity. And Dawn doesn't deserve that."  
  
"What about you? What do you deserve?"  
  
"Not you being nice to me."  
  
"Buff…."  
  
"Listen to me Spike. I don't know why you stood beside me this past year. I treated you   
like crap. And you took all of it. I didn't used to be like that. I'm sure my Mom hates   
what I did, what I became. So this time, it's gonna be better. Yeah, it hurts to be here.   
It's still bright and hard. But slowly, the edges are blurring.  
  
"And I'm not happy. I don't know if I'll ever be happy. Happy died a long time ago,   
when I had to fulfill my duties of a slayer over what I wanted to do with my life. But I'm   
coping with my life on a daily basis and trying to find something in it to smile over."  
  
"And the psycho witch?"  
  
"You've already spent too much time around Dawn, if you've taken to calling her that."   
She took a minute to get her thoughts together. She genuinely wanted to tell him. And   
he was the only one who asked these questions. Everyone else was just happy she was   
happy. They didn't want to hear all the other stuff. They didn't want the deep, dark, and   
ugly thoughts.  
  
"Last year I took my frustrations out on the two people who had nothing to do with   
bringing me back. This year, the ones who are responsible for it, get the true anger. We   
started out as friends last fall. Good friends. We'd talk, patrol together. And along the   
way, I took us down a nasty path. I have a second chance to rectify that. With you, with   
Dawn. With everyone. That's all I want Spike. A second chance. If I get one, you get   
one. The slate's wiped clean. We start over again."  
  
"After what I did? You know I never… Buffy I never meant to hurt you. What   
happened is always on my mind. I see your face before me. Why do you think I left?"  
  
"I don't know. And I don't know why you don't look happy about this. Don't you want   
to start over? Try this again between us, without any secrets. I mean it won't be easy,   
especially with Xander on his way back. But why don't you want this?" In her mind she   
sounded whiny, confused. She wondered if that is what Spike heard. But she was   
confused. She didn't get it. She told him they could start over and there he was on the   
other side of the room, not even wanting to look at her.   
  
"You don't get it."  
  
"Then explain it to me. That's what this new start is supposed to be about. Talking   
instead of fists and sex. Why can't we do that?"  
  
"I need to go. We got this set up for you." He gestured to the refurbished training room.   
"Did you need anything else?"  
  
She felt like smashing his head. Or shaking him until she could find the sense in him.   
Then maybe she could stuff it back inside. Instead she counted to ten. Slowly.   
"Whatever happens between us, Dawn comes first. I'd prefer her not coming to the   
crypt. But you're welcome at any time to see her. Come see her, please. She misses   
Tara and she counts on you. I took you away from her last year. Don't be a stranger to   
her."  
  
She could feel the tears behind her eyes. But she fought to hold them back. She wasn't   
going to let him see her cry. If he wanted her, it wasn't going to be because she broke   
down in front of him.   
  
"I'll always be there for Dawn. I made a promise to you once. And I plan to keep it. I   
might not have done right by her lately. But I'll make it up to her. Anything else?"   
  
"Talk to Anya before you go. She has a job offer for you."   
  
Without a word he left. But as he was closing the door on her, the quiet words she said   
wafted along the air to him. "I thought you loved me. I thought I was in your blood, you   
were drowning in me."  
  
It took all his self-control not to turn back around and go back in there. But he wasn't   
doing that again. He'd be there for Dawn and whatever Buffy needed. He'd help her out,   
help her get her bearings with life. He'd support her in anyway he could. But he   
couldn't go back down that road of trying to be more than a friend. It just wasn't in the   
cards for them. And they both needed to learn to live with that fact. 


	7. Chapter 7

Blurry 7/?  
Author: Amanda  
Summary: A few weeks after Grave. Spike returns. Willow's in England with Xander   
and Giles, and they are on their way back to Sunnydale. Buffy has her head on halfway   
straight and along with Anya is going to open an after hours shop to demons and such.  
Rating: PG13, for now  
Disclaimers: Not mine.   
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished, and given a good home.  
Distribution: Please ask.   
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for her help.  
  
  
*************  
  
"Thanks for handling everything Anya. I appreciate it."  
  
"Giles wasn't surprised. He said he understood. He even thinks Willow will understand.   
The one you'll have a problem with is Xander. But I won't start in on my rant on   
Xander, because today is supposed to be a happy day. We're supposed to pretend we're   
happy Willow is back."  
  
"I know. He said he was going to tell them on the flight over. Is that a good thing?"  
  
"They can't make much of a scene in the middle of an airplane. And they'll have plenty   
of time to figure out what to do. But then again, they could get mad and…."  
  
"It's going to be fine. Everything will work out for the best." Buffy waited for Anya to   
agree to her. "You're supposed to agree with me."  
  
"Oh, right. It will all work out. I was looking at the shadows under your eyes. I'm   
surprised that they've gotten darker. Your makeup is not covering them up too well.   
You really should switch brands. There's this brand we vengeance demons use that   
really does the trick. Of course, if you're squeamish about cow intestines, you probably   
won't want to use it."  
  
Leave to Anya, to get right to the point, Buffy thought. She was tired. And she knew the   
shadows weren't covered. But no one else seemed to notice. Dawn hadn't said a word.   
Neither had Spike. But then again, it was usually pretty dark in the house when she got   
home from patrolling, and he was on the couch with a sleeping Dawn.   
  
She used to think that he would notice anything about her, even if she cut her fingernails.   
But not anymore. Now he just noticed Dawn. She had to give him credit for that. He   
was there for Dawn. The last two nights, he'd kept Dawn company while she was out   
patrolling. And every morning, she heard stories about how Dawn wanted to go to   
Africa, just like Spike. To see what he had seen. To travel around the world like he had.   
All Buffy wanted to know was how he got there. Africa was a long way away. But their   
conversations were limited to 'Thanks for staying with Dawn.' 'Have a good night.'   
Nothing more. And she hated it.   
  
Where was the Spike that wouldn't shut up around her? Where was the Spike that   
wanted her in his bed? Where was the Spike that wanted a spot of violence before   
bedtime? She didn't think that Spike had come back from Africa. He seemed different   
now. But Dawn seemed to think he was the same. She said it was just her. And Anya   
and Clem had agreed. She was the only one who thought he was different. That thought   
he had changed. And she didn't like it.  
  
Anya looking at her brought her back to their conversation. It seemed all she did lately   
was zone out and think about Spike. Which was one reason for her not sleeping. "I'm   
just tired. Late nights patrolling and then getting up with Dawn every morning, to make   
sure she gets off to summer school okay."  
  
"Why don't you go back to sleep after that? And besides she's about to turn sixteen.   
She'll be a young woman, she can make her own breakfast."  
  
Buffy decided to skip over the 'go back to sleep' question. She didn't think Anya would   
understand the nightmares that plagued her. She had never really needed a lot of sleep,   
always attributing that to being the slayer. But for the past nine months, she had even   
less than normal. Nightmares of waking up in her coffin still plagued her. The only time   
they didn't was the few times she had fallen asleep beside Spike. Those times, she had   
slept peacefully. And that had scared her more than anything else. A vampire, that at   
any time could bite and drain her, while she was asleep, made her feel safe. That in the   
end had caused her to run away. "I know she can take care of herself. I just feel guilty."  
  
"I've got a great way you can ease your guilt. Say yes to letting me have a party."  
  
"I'm not stopping you from having a party."  
  
"Dawn's going to be so excited when I tell her. I have to start making a list. Do you   
think teenagers like caviar?"  
  
"Why would you be inviting teenagers?"  
  
"They are Dawn's friends, aren't they? I thought she'd want all her friends from school   
to be there. Turning sixteen is a very big deal."  
  
"You didn't say this party was for Dawn's birthday. And no, teenagers don't like caviar.   
Anya, you can't spend your money on Dawn." Though it was a nice gesture, Buffy   
thought. But she couldn't let Anya do that, even if Dawn would love it.   
  
"Why not? What else am I going to spend it on?"  
  
"You could put it into stock or whatever you usually do."  
  
"I have more than enough money than I need. D'Hoffryn provides well for his girls.   
And it's not like I'm saving the money for anything. I was saving it for my children…   
their weddings, college. But not now."  
  
"Maybe you'll meet someone one day and he'll want to marry you. You can always go   
back to being a human. Then have that family you want."  
  
"That's not me, Buffy. And any man that wants me will have to accept that. If I can still   
love him when he's old and wrinkly, he can accept me as a vengeance demon. Now back   
to the party."  
  
"I can't let you throw one for Dawn. That's really too much."  
  
"She said I was her favorite vengeance demon. And I didn't even pay her to say that."  
  
"She only knows two and the other one locked us in a house."  
  
"How about I pay for half and you can pay me back for the other half, as soon as you get   
a job."   
  
Buffy wondered how you reasoned with a thousand year old vengeance demon? And   
how did you tell her that even if the party cost next to nothing, you still couldn't pay for   
half. Not when you didn't have a paying job. "I'll think about it. Right now though I   
need your help. I'm looking for a big furry red demon. Kinda looks like a gigantic   
Elmo. Except it squirts some liquid."  
  
"Elmo?"  
  
"Like that fuzzy red sweater of Willow's that she absolutely loves."  
  
"Now that's scary."  
  
Buffy shuddered along with Anya at the visible image of Willow in her sweater. "I   
know. Every night I've encountered one. And it shoots some type of gooey liquid out of   
its pores. Clear, a little thicker than water."  
  
"It doesn't sound familiar, but I'll think about it."   
  
"They're just annoying to kill. Their fur gets hairy and stinks. And it's like trying to kill   
something with someone shooting a water gun at you. Throws you off a little."  
  
Anya thought about. There was something nagging at her about the description. Like   
she should know what it was, but she couldn't remember ever hearing or seeing a demon   
like Buffy described. She shook it off. "We've got a few hours before they should be   
here. You can take this time to fill out all the paperwork."  
  
"What is this stuff?"  
  
"Forms for taxes, a standard contract for working for me, and of course an agreement on   
how we split all the profits. And since Dawn is a minor, you'll have to sign her   
paperwork too."  
  
"Why do we have to do this? Spike and Clem don't."  
  
"Clem isn't getting paid in cash, he's being comped in shop credit. And Spike is bringing   
his paperwork back to me today. He's all legal and everything. Don't assume us demons   
don't have legal identities."  
  
"Spike's a citizen? Or does he have a green card? And how'd he get that? And what   
does it read? Spike? William the bloody? Spike Bloody?"  
  
"You'll have to ask him. I don't disclose personal information about my employees."  
  
She was actually tempted to ask him. That is if she thought she might get an answer out   
of him. More likely she'd mess the whole thing up, they'd fight. He'd say something   
how she always thinks the worse of him. And she'd prove it by saying something stupid   
and ridiculous. And they'd be at an even worse place in their so-called relationship than   
not talking. They'd be fighting. She might just have to figure out how to bribe Dawn to   
get these answers. She really wanted to know what his name was.  
  
*************  
  
"Do I have to be nice to Willow?"  
  
"Dawn!"  
  
"Well do I? She wasn't particularly nice to me."  
  
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  
  
"You sound like Mom."  
  
"She is the one that said that. Can you at least say hi? Unless you consider that too   
nice."  
  
"I can do that. But if her eyes are black, I'm running."  
  
"And we'll all be right behind you." She wondered if she and Dawn could run before   
they showed up. Would they notice them missing? Probably. Having a reunion wasn't   
high up on her list of things to do for the month. She didn't know how to act. Or what to   
say. Did she play nice with Willow? Or lie and say she missed her? Could she just   
pretend that everything was hunky dory now and they could start over?   
  
She'd tried that with Spike and it obviously wasn't working. And he didn't even try to   
end the world. She didn't think it would work with Willow. But she didn't know what to   
say, or what to do.  
  
"Did I miss the party? Or have they not yet arrived?"  
  
Spike's arrival brought her out of her musings. Spike. Down Buffy. He's just Spike.   
Spike with a tight black shirt and no duster to cover him. The decision to not mention the   
duster was definitely a good one. If he didn't have it, he couldn't wear it. And she could   
at least look her fill at him then. But then, looking at him, but not getting his attention   
wasn't good. But it did help in not getting caught staring at his butt. Bad Buffy. Don't   
stare at Spike's butt. That won't help matters any. Just look in his face, say something   
nice and respectful. Or be quiet. We are trying to make forward momentum in this   
relationship. And not forward momentum in a sex only relationship. Not that anything is   
moving forward at this moment.  
  
Dawn wondered if Buffy was feeling okay. She was now staring off into space, while her   
lips were faintly moving. She didn't know what was up with the two of them. She knew   
Spike stayed until Buffy got home from patrol. But beyond that, she didn't know   
anything. But Buffy moped around the house and she suspected that they weren't falling   
into each others arms and proclaiming their love for each other late at night. She wished   
she could do something, but they both had said that their relationship was their business.   
And no one else's. Of course Dawn didn't think they had any type of relationship going   
right now, so maybe she could interfere. But the adult thing would probably be to leave   
them alone. And since she kept proclaiming she was an adult, she'd try that for a while   
longer. "Still not here. The plane must be late. Or maybe they decided they didn't want   
to leave England. Nah, that'd make me happy."  
  
He wouldn't mind if they didn't come back either. But he knew Buffy needed to work   
things out with her friends. And besides, it wasn't a good idea to encourage Dawn in her   
inherent dislike of Willow. "I'm sure they were ready to get back to sunny California.   
How'd your quiz go?"  
  
"You had a quiz today Dawn? You didn't tell me that?"  
  
"It was just on the first act of 'Romeo and Juliet'. And I did fine. I think I aced it, so   
both of you can quit worrying about me."  
  
The chime of the bells over the door, took Buffy's mind off the fact that Spike seemed to   
know more about her sisters academic life than she did. Even with her drill sergeant   
routine.   
  
Willow was the first through the door, Giles gently guiding her through. Her face was   
pale, her hair limp. She reminded Buffy a little bit of the young girl she had met when   
she moved to Sunnydale. A shy, quiet girl, who was unsure of her place. Giles had said   
that she might not be the Willow they had known before. And it looked like he might be   
right. Whatever confidence she had, seemed to be rooted in the magic. And now,   
without it, she was just a girl floundering along. Buffy felt that they at least had   
something in common. She was trying to figure out where her life was going, and what   
choices to take that would lay ahead. It seemed Willow would have the same decisions   
to make.  
  
*************  
  
"What did you want to talk to about?" Spike didn't like being cooped up in Anya's small   
office with Giles. Not when he could feel that Dawn and Buffy needed him.   
  
Right away, Giles had whisked him back here, while Willow and Xander had greeted   
everyone. In one breath he wanted to thank him, for getting him away from Xander's   
accusing eyes and words. And in the other he wanted to curse him. And a small part of   
him was scared, because he knew that Giles could be scary when he wanted to be. And   
dangerous. And he had given him plenty of reasons for that.  
  
"As Buffy's father is absent in her life, I feel the need to say a few things to you. She is   
an adult and can make her own decisions. What you two do is your business. Not that I   
like it. But she can make her own mistakes and learn from them. If what Xander told me   
was true, I know that Buffy would have dusted you. Since you're still here, he must not   
have his facts straight. But if you ever hurt her, I will help her hunt you down. And then   
you will pray that someone stakes you.   
  
"Since you seem to be staying around, I have a proposition for you. Buffy needs money.   
The council wants to know what is going on with the slayer. They have agreed to pay her   
a stipend in exchange for weekly reports of the hellmouth's activity. You'll write a   
report every week and Buffy will earn a wage and you will get a small stipend. I've had   
Anya draw up a contract.  
  
"This is year long contract, that is automatically renewed every year. If at any reason,   
you fail to fulfill your duties, you must pay Buffy back your entire stipend. Look over   
the papers."  
  
It was a great opportunity undoubtedly. He could earn money respectably. He could   
help Buffy. But it would also put him into close proximity with her. And he wasn't sure   
he wanted that. Well, he wanted it, but a part of him said it was a bad idea. Yeah, she   
wanted to start over, but he just wasn't sure they could do that. But he had promised to   
himself that he would support Buffy; help her however he could. And he would do that.   
"Have you talked to Buffy about this? Has she agreed?"  
  
"I wanted to get everything lined up first, before I approached her."  
  
"Find out how she feels about this. Then get back with me." And if she agreed to it, he'd   
do it. All she had to do was say the word and he'd do anything for her.   
  
"Then you won't do it? This doesn't guarantee you anything with Buffy, so you won't   
do it. Showing your true colors, are you?"  
  
"I didn't say that. I want to know how Buffy feels about handing things over to the   
council, before I'll sign anything. If she wants me to, I'll sign the bloody contract. You   
don't know me. You might think you do, but you don't. But know this, I'll do anything   
for Buffy, anything. Whatever she wants regarding this, I'll do it." 


	8. Chapter 8

Blurry 8/?  
Author: Amanda  
Summary: A few weeks after 'Grave.' Spike returns, then Xander, Willow and Giles   
comes back. And Buffy has her head on halfway straight.  
Rating: PG13, for now  
Disclaimers: Not mine, it's all Joss'.  
Distribution: Please ask.   
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.  
  
*************  
  
The night was silent and dark, except for the full moon that lit the streets. There was   
nothing out here, except for those furry Elmo monsters, she hated them. They didn't   
seem to be that evil, except for soaking anything that moved. And for that alone, they   
needed to be killed. But no vampires were about. She hadn't seen one in the last few   
days. Except for the one that was probably in her living room right now, with her sister   
sleeping on his shoulder.  
  
She had left for patrol, before Spike and Giles had finished talking. They had to have   
been talking, because no noise could be heard through the door of Anya's office. Unless   
they had silently killed each other. But Anya trusted them enough to allow them back   
into her inner sanctum, so she must not have believed they would kill each other and   
mess up her paperwork. Dawn had said she would get Spike to take her home, even   
though she felt she was qualified to walk home all by herself.  
  
Buffy knew that eventually she was going to have to make good on her promise to let   
Dawn train some and patrol. But she was trying to hold out for as long as she could.   
However, now might be a good time to let Dawn come with her. It wasn't like there was   
anything on the streets that could grab her. There was nothing on the streets. Zero.   
Nada. Zilch. And she hated it, because it gave her more time to think.  
  
It had been awkward with Willow and Xander. In the few minutes before Giles and   
Spike had disappeared behind a closed door, she could see Xander mentally trying to dust   
him at least a thousand times. But he had kept quiet. Buffy didn't know whom to thank   
for that, but she was thankful. She didn't feel like defending Spike to everyone, being all   
happy they were home, and pretending like all was okay in the world. Because it wasn't.   
Her world sucked at the moment and she really didn't want to pretend otherwise.  
  
The money problem would be solved shortly. Anya was anticipating opening the doors   
to the demons of Sunnydale in two weeks. Of course, that is if they hadn't all gone   
underground. Clem said he hadn't heard of anything strange. He didn't know why she   
didn't encounter any on patrol. The anticipated return that would be her share, equaled   
that of her pay from the Doublemeat, which surprised her. But Anya had warned her that   
the calculations could be off. She couldn't complain though. For the short amount of   
work she would put in and the pay she would be receiving, she was more than satisfied.   
But that still wouldn't pay all the bills. Nor would it pay Giles back for his second loan.   
But if she could find another job, she would be well on her way to financial   
independence.  
  
That was one problem solved. On to Willow and Xander now. Both had been quiet. It   
had been awkward, with Anya trying to cover up by overcompensating and talking too   
much. She had seen the looks both Xander and Willow had shot her. Both probably   
wondering why she was still around and what business it was of hers what happened in   
their lives now that she was a vengeance demon. Buffy knew everyone expected Anya to   
just disappear. But she hadn't. Anya had stayed behind when everyone else had left.   
And she was grateful. Without Anya around the last few weeks, she would have gone   
crazy. But why should she have to defend Anya to them. Why couldn't they all get   
along? Why couldn't they accept that not everything was black and white. One would   
think they could do that, after Willow had tried to end the world and Xander had forgiven   
her in less than two seconds.   
  
But Willow seemed to still have some type of grudge against Anya. She always had. It   
was as though she had taken Xander away, when the two of them got together. But   
wasn't your future spouse supposed to come first? And Xander had never put Anya first.   
She and Anya had talked about that. And how Anya had ever right to hate Xander for   
that. And Xander was a 'speciest' as Anya called him. And Buffy didn't want to deal   
with them. So she had run. Because running was what she did best. Running from her   
feelings, from confrontations, from actions that she knew she had to take. She knew   
she'd have to deal with them sooner or later and pick a side to stand on. But they were   
all adults and she couldn't understand why everyone just couldn't suck it up and work it   
out themselves, rather than dragging everyone else into it.  
  
Okay, so Xander hated the fact that Anya had become a vengeance demon again. Well so   
did she. But she accepted it. And she could be friends with Anya again. Now Xander   
needed to move on and deal with it. He needed to learn that just because he didn't like it,   
it didn't make it right. The same with Spike. So he didn't like Spike. Fine. But get over   
it, and keep your opinions to yourself. None of them were the moral authority of the   
others. And they needed to stop acting like they were.   
  
And Willow couldn't judge if Anya was good enough now. Willow had no room to talk.   
They had all screwed up over the past year. And they should all be on equal footing, with   
no one above the rest. Except maybe Giles.   
  
She came to the realization that her thoughts sounded like some big speech she should be   
giving. And maybe she should. Maybe she should sit them all down and tell them to   
listen. Tell them to get over it, act like adults, and move on. But she didn't have that   
right. Especially since she was the one running right now, and she was still trying to act   
like an adult.   
  
*************  
  
"You still won't tell me what you and Giles talked about?" Dawn had wanted to listen at   
the door, maybe take a cup and try to eavesdrop that way. But she knew Anya wouldn't   
let her. Even if she had wanted to do the same thing. But she was curious. She wanted   
to know what Spike and Giles had talked about and if either one had threatened to kill the   
other. Anya and Giles had muttered something about contracts or such, when the two   
had emerged from her office. So it seemed that Anya might have a clue. But neither   
Xander nor Willow did. Both Xander and Willow had seemed surprised that the two   
willingly wanted to talk to each other and they both walked away unharmed. Dawn was   
happy about that. Maybe they would get along and actually be nice to each other. But   
Xander wanted Giles to dust Spike, while Willow just kept quiet about it all.  
  
"No. You need to get to sleep. It's a school night." And Spike wanted to be left alone to   
think. Without cable, he couldn't do much else besides think. He was surprised that   
Giles had wanted him to help Buffy, that Giles trusted him enough to help her. And he   
didn't know how he would feel with what Buffy chose. If she didn't choose to go ahead   
with it, it could be for any number of reasons including having him as part of the deal.   
But it could just be that council of wankers, that always seemed to want to put their noses   
where they didn't belong. But he knew she needed the money. And he got the   
impression that Giles really wanted Buffy to take the offer.  
  
"I can fall asleep down here. You or Buffy can carry me up."  
  
"You want to be treated like an adult?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then act like one. Adults don't fall asleep downstairs waiting for someone to carry   
them up to their beds. Your sister has enough on her mind, without coming home to find   
you down here."  
  
"What's got you in a bad mood?"  
  
"Nothing. Just letting you know how adults behave, since you seem bent on proclaiming   
you are one."  
  
"Is it Buffy? Is she being a bitch again? I mean, I know she can be one. Hello, I live   
with her. She'll get out of her mood soon enough. Or not."  
  
"Buffy's fine." And to him she was. Not many people could screw up, 'hi,' 'bye,'   
'thanks for staying with Dawn.' And he could see in her eyes that she had bit back   
whatever else she wanted to say. She seemed to be steering clear of him, of asking him   
for anything after their talk in her training room. And now he wasn't sure that's what he   
wanted. Well, he did. But he also wanted her to know that she could count on him for   
anything. And not just watching Dawn. But he also didn't want her to think that was an   
open invitation to just resume their relationship. And now that he thought about it, what   
if she got that impression from him agreeing to work with her. It was complicated. Just   
like he had told Dawn, it was a complicated mess. A tangled web, that didn't seem to   
work its way free.  
  
"Why don't you ever talk about her?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why don't you ever talk about Buffy? Don't you love her anymore?"  
  
"Don't you need to get to bed? Get your beauty sleep?"  
  
"Did something happen while you were gone. You tell me these stories about Uganda.   
The plains, the cave paintings, the Nile, and that waterfall place."  
  
"Murchison Falls."  
  
"Right. But you didn't tell me what you were doing there. And why didn't you bring   
back pictures?"  
  
"Vacationing. It was dark. You wanted me to break my neck, trying to take pictures in   
the dark?"  
  
"Well no. But postcards would have been nice. Most people on vacations at least buy   
postcards. I still think you're keeping something from me. Nobody just decides to take   
off on a whim and go to Uganda. Especially not a vampire."  
  
"Dawn, bed."  
  
"Fine. But are you going to stay down here until she gets home?"  
  
"Yes, I will stay here until Buffy gets home."  
  
"You still love her, right? I mean, I thought you'd always love her. But why aren't you   
acting like it? Is that why Buffy thinks you're different, because you don't love her."  
  
"I love your sister. And I always will. But you need to get to bed."  
  
And he would always love Buffy. It consumed him. He drowned in it, never finding the   
shore so he could pull himself to safety. Not that he wanted to. Loving Buffy made him   
better. He knew that. It had led him to where he was now. He had a job. He could   
afford to rent an apartment. And he had a soul. If he didn't love Buffy, he never would   
have gotten to that point in her bathroom. And then, he never would have gotten a soul.   
For that alone, the pain, the heartbreak, the humiliation was worth it.   
  
But he really didn't know what to do now. It was so easy with Dawn. They didn't have   
anything weighing on their relationship. But with Buffy, nothing had ever been simple.   
And he didn't know where he stood. He didn't know if he could be in a relationship with   
her. He didn't know if he could trust her. He didn't know if they could work out. And   
without a guarantee, he didn't think he wanted to risk it. A bloke can only take so much,   
and he'd taken much more than anyone else from Buffy.   
  
The quiet creak of the front door let him know that Buffy was back. And she was early.   
Normally it was near two in the morning before she made an appearance. But tonight it   
was almost midnight. It must have been slow.  
  
"Dawn upstairs?"  
  
"Went up awhile ago. Slow night?"  
  
"Nothing's out there. Didn't even see my regular friends, the Elmo demons." At his   
confused look, she continued on. "I just call them that, because they remind me of Elmo   
from 'Sesame Street.' They're red and fuzzy."  
  
"Guess I'll have a quiet walk home then."  
  
"You don't have to leave. I'm not tired. We could talk. Or watch TV."  
  
"Nothing much on, just repeats of Letterman and Leno."  
  
"If you don't have anywhere to be, we could talk. I'm getting pretty good with the whole   
talky thing. At least I think I am." She watched as he tensed up. And she was afraid he   
was about to run off. That was the way it seemed to be. Buffy comes in from patrol.   
Spike leaves. But as she steeled herself against the feelings of sadness that always sprung   
up with him leaving, she saw his body visibly relax back into the sofa again. It looked   
like he might actually stay to talk. Now she just had to make sure they did the whole   
conversation thing without either one yelling. Or without insulting him.  
  
"How'd it go with your friends? They happy to be back?"  
  
"I don't know. I ran from that. But I'm facing it tomorrow. I'm bringing sandwiches   
over for lunch. They'll have jet lag, so we can talk while we eat PB&J. They'll probably   
have just gotten up."  
  
"Jet lag can take a lot out of you."  
  
"Did you have it? When you went to Africa? Dawn said that's where you were."  
  
"No. Vampire. Don't require much sleep."  
  
"Me neither. I bet I wouldn't get jet lag. Just forget what time it was supposed to be."  
  
"You'd do fine."  
  
"Never gonna get a chance to find out. I'm stuck here. A slave to the hellmouth."  
  
He wondered if she might get a chance to travel if she took the deal with the council.   
They might want to see her, to talk to her. But then again, they could just travel over here   
to check up on her. Or they could wash their hands of her, except for those weekly   
reports. "You never know what might happen."  
  
"Faith's not getting out of jail anytime soon to fulfill her duties, so I'm stuck with it."  
  
"You could take a break."  
  
"Slayers don't get breaks. I'm pretty sure that's in the handbook. Not that I've ever seen   
the handbook, but I'd bet that's one of the rules."  
  
"You never followed it before, why now?"  
  
"Yeah. Well vacations cost money. And that isn't in abundance. So no vacations for   
me. But you could tell me where you've been. Where'd you go in Africa?"  
  
"Uganda." He hoped that was the end of the Africa questions. He wasn't sure he could   
hold out against her asking why he specifically went there. Unlike Dawn, Buffy could   
tell when he was lying. And he really didn't want to lie to her. Or fight with her.  
  
"Where else have you been?"  
  
"Pretty much everywhere. France, Spain, I think all of Europe. India, China, Australia,   
Brazil. Lots of places."  
  
"Have you ever been to Alaska?"  
  
"I've never been to Alaska. Why?"  
  
"I just remember studying it in my high school Geography class. It looked pretty.   
Maybe you could tell me about some of the other places you've been one day."  
  
She hadn't ever asked him about his life before. Even something simple like where he'd   
traveled. This was good. Besides Dawn and Joyce, no one had ever wanted to just talk   
to him. Talk, without strings attached. If this was the new Buffy, interested in him,   
wanting to carry on a conversation, he wasn't sure he could last against her. If whatever   
she wanted with him, involved actual talking, he might find some peace out in the ocean.   
He might actually want a relationship with her. But only time could tell. And right now,   
he still wanted to tread softly so he didn't get hurt.  
  
She didn't know how to take his silence. Was it an agreement? Or was he just being   
quiet so that he didn't make her upset. She'd let it rest for now. She was enjoying this.   
Just sitting in the same room, making conversation about the mundane aspects of life.   
She didn't know if she had ever done this with another man. But it was good. Different,   
but good. And goodness was what she was after. 


	9. Chapter 9

Blurry 9/?  
Author: Amanda  
Summary: A few weeks after Grave. Everyone's back in Sunnydale and coping with the   
fallout of the last year.   
Rating: PG-13, for now  
Disclaimers: Not mine, it's all Joss'.  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.  
Distribution: Please ask.   
  
*************  
  
As Buffy made her way up the steps towards Xander's apartment, she thought back on the   
previous evening. Spike had stayed about an hour, sitting on the couch beside her. Just   
answering questions and sitting in silence. It was only when she had yawned five times   
in a row that he had made his exit. She didn't tell him that she'd go up to bed, lie down,   
and then think about him. She'd mull over every word he said, every look. And she'd try   
to figure out if he had snuck any peeks at her while she wasn't looking at him.   
  
She had noticed the way his eyelashes curved against his cheeks, when he briefly shut his   
eyes. The way his head tilted when he paused to form the words he would say. The way   
his body visibly relaxed into the couch, as time had passed. He wasn't comfortable with   
her. He had seemed to be on pins and needles, waiting for something to happen. Waiting   
for her to happen. And she couldn't blame him.  
  
They hadn't had a real conversation in a long time. If ever. The time they had spent   
together, before the sex had started, had been all about her. He hadn't complained. He   
had seemed happy to take any crumb she would give him. She was the one that talked.   
And it was all about herself. She really hadn't wanted to know his thoughts or opinions.   
Or know anything about Spike.   
  
He didn't seem willing to take that crumb anymore. And he seemed leery of her offering   
more. It was as though he couldn't trust her. But maybe as their talk had worn on, he had   
trusted her a little more. He became a little more forthcoming, a little more relaxed. And   
having her interested in him, asking about him, had seemed to do the trick. She had to   
remember that it wasn't all about her, as much as she wanted it to be. As much as she   
wanted this visit with Willow and Xander to be all about her, it wasn't.   
  
They all seemed to have their demons they would have to work through on this visit.   
Hers was just literally, a demon. She didn't know what to expect from Willow. But she   
knew what words would be thrown at her from Xander. And she really didn't know what   
to say back. She couldn't change his opinion. Angel had had a soul and Xander had   
never liked or trusted him. There was no way he was ever going to accept Spike. She   
knew that. She just hoped she could get him to tolerate Spike. To leave him alone. And   
to let her live her life the way she wanted.  
  
Wrapping one arm tightly around the paper bag of food in her arms, holding on so it   
didn't slip, she quickly knocked with the other hand. And waited. She was about to   
pound on the door again, when it opened.  
  
"Buffy." Willow's arms pulled her inside.   
  
Luggage was scattered across the floor of Xander's apartment that they had to maneuver   
around. She took in the couch, which had blankets and a pillow on it. "Did I wake you   
up? I didn't mean to. I'm sure you need your sleep."  
  
"Don't be silly. I needed to get up. And besides, we can talk before Xander gets up. He's   
trying to catch up on his sleep and get readjusted, since he has to go back to work   
tomorrow."  
  
"Let me put this stuff away." The refrigerator was empty, except for beer and now the   
sandwiches and soda. They looked so lonely sitting there. Kind of the way she was   
feeling now. She felt alone. She felt like she had to carry on a conversation with her best   
friend, that she was afraid she didn't know anymore. Last night talking with Spike had   
been hard, but she hadn't felt awkward about it. Not like this.  
  
"I see you found some of the stuff I dropped off here." Buffy indicated the pajamas   
Willow was wearing. She remembered folding them up and putting them in a box, when   
she and Dawn had cleaned out her room. "I'm sorry that…." She didn't know what to   
say.   
  
"It's okay. I understand, I think. It's kinda awkward, huh?"  
  
"Yeah. Do you know where you're going to go? Or are you gonna stay here?"  
  
"Xander wants me to stay. But I think I need to be out on my own. A summer session   
starts in two weeks. I'm gonna see if there are any dorm rooms left for the summer. I   
haven't thought much beyond that."  
  
"That's good. Getting back with the school thing. I have more stuff, but I didn't want to   
clutter Xander's floor up with all the boxes. Just let me know when you want them."  
  
"What about Tara's stuff?"  
  
"Anya has her stuff. Some stuff got sent back to her family, but Anya kept things that   
she thought were important. Are you okay?"  
  
Willow knew what she meant. She could see that it hurt Buffy to talk about it. If anyone   
knew how she felt, it was probably Buffy. She'd had to kill Angel herself. She knew   
what it was like, having to try to move on after having someone you loved died. If   
anyone would understand her need for trying to figure things out, it would be Buffy. But   
Willow didn't think that running away to LA was in the cards for her. She'd figure it out   
here in Sunnydale. "I'm getting there. You know how it is."  
  
She did know. She knew all too well. Angel had left, by her own hand. Willow might   
not have killed Tara, but she still felt the pain. Pain that would slowly fade till it was just   
an ache. "Yeah. But you look good."  
  
"I feel good. I do. At least right now. Ask me later tonight though."  
  
"Changes all the time, huh?"  
  
"Yeah. But what about you? What have you been up to?"  
  
"Helping Anya get the shop ready to open. And looking for a job are the main things."  
  
"No more burgers?"  
  
"They do eventually fire you, if you skip out on work enough times."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's not all your fault. And besides, it wasn't the best place to work. The hours, the pay.   
I'm sure I can find something else. And Spike was right, it was slowly killing me."  
  
"How is Spike? I thought he had left. Or that's what Xander said."  
  
"He did. But he's back now."  
  
Willow had questions, but she didn't know if she should address them. And she really   
didn't feel as if she had a right to pry into Buffy's life right now. But she remembered   
what Tara had said, that Buffy hadn't told her because of the way she would react, or look   
at her. She didn't want that. Buffy was being supportive of her and she would be   
supportive of Buffy, whatever she needed. "Buffy, Xander said a lot of things about   
Spike. And you."  
  
She had wondered what Xander had said. Who he'd run his mouth off to. And she wasn't   
surprised. The only thing she was surprised about, was that Angel hadn't shown up. She   
knew Xander hated him, but she would have figured he would have called him just so   
that Angel could come and take care of Spike. But hopefully that wouldn't happen. She   
wanted to prevent that. She wanted to handle everything herself. "I'm sure he did. But   
he doesn't know everything. He doesn't have the true story."  
  
"Did he hurt you? I mean with Anya, with him leaving, with anything?"  
  
"Yeah, he did. He hurt me a lot. But you know what, I hurt him too. And we'll have to   
find a way to fix it."  
  
"So are you two… are you two like together, or what?"  
  
"We're friends. Beyond that, I don't know."  
  
"Friend friends? Or like sex friends?"  
  
"Just friend friends. That's all he seems to want right now."  
  
"But you want more?" Willow took in Buffy's look. It seemed like she was about to tell   
her she wanted more. From Buffy's face, she thought that maybe Buffy really had   
feelings for him. Feelings that she hadn't had for anyone in a long time. She wanted to   
encourage her. She wanted to be the friend that she hadn't been in the past. "You can   
talk to me. We're best friends."  
  
"Buffster. I thought I heard voices out here."  
  
Xander's voice broughtBuffy from her almost immediate confession to Willow. And it   
was a good thing he'd interrupted when he did, so that he hadn't come in and heard more   
than she wanted anyone to. It was better this way anyhow. This way, no one could   
interfere or cloud her judgment about what she wanted. She could figure it out and work   
towards it herself. And now, she didn't know what to say, as they both looked   
expectantly towards her. So she said the first thing that came to her mind. "I brought   
lunch."  
  
"That's great. We can make a day out of it. Catching up. We'll go out tonight. My   
treat."  
  
"I can't. I have plans."  
  
"Can't you get out of them?"   
  
He looked put out to her, like she was supposed to cancel her plans just for him. Had he   
always irritated her this much? Or just lately? She didn't know what it was, but Xander   
was really getting on her nerves. "No, I really can't. The reservations for dinner were   
already made?"  
  
"Do you have a date?" Willow was excited. Someone had a date and she was excited   
about it. She wanted Buffy to be happy and this was really the happiest Buffy had   
appeared in a long time. And if her friend was happy, then she'd be happy for her.  
  
"It's Spike, isn't it?" The hate just poured out of Xander's voice and over the words.   
  
"Giles wanted to talk to me. And since he wasn't here for my birthday, he wanted to take   
me out somewhere nice. And I think he wanted to catch up with me and Dawn."  
  
"I'm glad it's Giles you're going with. I was worried for a moment there. Thinking that   
maybe you'd lost your mind or something."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Did she sound defensive? Well she was defensive. He   
was questioning her choices. He was calling her crazy, in a roundabout way, for being   
with Spike. Why couldn't she make her own choice? Her own mistakes?  
  
"I was just afraid that you were going out with Spike. But you wouldn't be that crazy.   
It's over between you two. He's just hanging around now. But he should be dusted. If   
you can't, I can."  
  
"Xander." Willow could see a light growing in Buffy's eyes. And she was afraid it   
wasn't going to be pretty. Buffy had pretty much confided that she had feelings for   
Spike. And now Xander was saying that anyone who had feelings for him was crazy. It   
wasn't going to be pretty. And she really didn't want a fight. But no one wanted to listen   
to her.  
  
"No, Willow. Buffy needs to hear it. She needs to hear the truth. He's bad news. He   
always has been and he always will be. Look at what he did to you Buffy. He raped you.   
And that's after he took advantage of you being upset in coming back here. And then,   
what he did with Anya. It's time to end it."  
  
"No it's not." Buffy didn't think he heard her, as he continued on his tirade.   
  
"Before you know it, he'll be up to his old tricks. What are you waiting for? Do you   
want him to rape Dawn?"  
  
"Xander." Willow was shocked at his suggestion. Dawn? Spike hurt Dawn? She didn't   
think so. She knew that Spike would protect Dawn with his life. His feelings for Dawn   
were the one constant. He adored her, like she was a little sister.  
  
"You can't be blind to his faults too, can you Willow?"  
  
Buffy had had enough. She didn't want to listen any longer. She had hoped to avoid it,   
but she wasn't able to now. Time away didn't help matters any. It might have made them   
worse. But she was an adult. She hadn't read him the riot act for his behavior, like he   
deserved. She hadn't expressed her concern when he had started dating Anya, who could   
have gotten her powers back at any time and turned them all into toads. No, she let him   
live his life and had been happy when he was happy. And she had commiserated with   
him when he was sad. And she wanted that. She wanted the same consideration that she   
gave him. She could feel herself shaking, with fear, with anger. She didn't know which.   
But maybe it was both. And she didn't think she would feel better until she let her   
feelings out on the subject matter.  
  
"Xander, this stops now. Listen to me, as I'm only going to say this once. No one messes   
with Dawn. Spike did not rape me. Spike did not take advantage of me. If anything, I   
took advantage of him. My life is my life. And that includes my sex life. I don't want to   
know about yours and I'm not ever going to ask about it. But since you're so interested in   
mine, you get a one time glimpse.  
  
"I started it with Spike. I kissed him first. And I pretty much jumped on top of him after   
that. Spike wanted to talk about things and all I wanted was to feel. So after beating him   
up, I'd use his body to feel. And he let me. Sure, we had some nice times. But usually, I   
attacked him, we had sex, and I ran out on him. What happened in that bathroom, is none   
of your business. But it was not rape. And I know that Spike would never hurt Dawn.   
He'd protect her with his own life. I trust him with Dawn's life, before I would trust   
anyone else, including you two.  
  
"And I'm sorry about what happened with Anya. But you two were broken up. You left   
her at the altar, with no explanation. She owed you nothing. And Spike owed me   
nothing. Yes, it hurt. I know that. But you have to move on past that. Either you   
forgive them, move on, and feel better. Or you let it fester in you, like it's doing right   
now. Get over it Xander. Spike's staying around, whether you like it or not. And   
whatever happens or doesn't happen between Spike and I is none of your business. I'm   
not asking for your opinion. And I don't want it."  
  
"You'll be sorry."  
  
"No, you will be. Don't make me have to choose. I don't want to. But if I have to, you   
might not like the result. It could go either way."  
  
"He's a soulless evil thing. He's a vampire."  
  
"Yes he is. And he loves me." She hoped she wasn't lying over that, but she took the   
chance that it was still true. "And more importantly, he loves Dawn. And because of   
that, he would put his life on the line for my friends. And that includes you. He fought   
beside you all summer. You relied on him."  
  
"That was obviously a mistake."  
  
Willow wanted to be the peacemaker. She wanted everyone to be happy. Or as happy as   
they could be. She knew coming home wasn't going to be easy, but she hadn't known   
that her circle of friends would splinter. She didn't know if she could take that on top of   
everything else. "Xander, you don't want to do this now. You're tired from our flight.   
You aren't thinking."  
  
"Stay out of this Willow."  
  
"Xander, Willow's right." Buffy didn't want to do this right now. She didn't ever want to   
do this. But maybe if she got it over with now, it would be done with, finished. And they   
wouldn't have to debate this over and over again.   
  
"He's evil, Buffy. He's killed people."  
  
"Does that mean I need to be killed too?" To Willow it seemed that Buffy could see   
things outside of the box now, but Xander couldn't. And he was the one that she thought   
would have understood. But now he just made her feel like she had no purpose. It all   
boiled down to one thing, committing acts of evil. She'd done that, just like Spike. He   
was convicted automatically and by Xander's standards, she should be too.  
  
"No, Willow, no. You weren't yourself. It isn't the same."  
  
"Isn't it? I made a choice. Now I have to live with the consequences. I'm not very   
hungry. I think I'm gonna take a shower."  
  
"Willow, I didn't mean that." His words fell on deaf ears, as she shut the door to the   
bedroom behind her. He didn't know what to say. It wasn't the same. She was Willow.   
She wasn't evil. She was just Willow.  
  
"You need to think before you speak Xander. You're becoming the one thing you never   
wanted to be, your father. Do you want to alienate everyone that cares about you? Cause   
you're on your way. I'm not asking you to be best friends with Spike. I know that's   
impossible. But leave him alone. And leave me alone. Let us figure things out for   
ourselves."  
  
Xander just stood there. She didn't know if he heard her, or if he was still coming to   
terms with what his words had done to Willow. But she'd had enough. She'd had her say   
and she knew if he hadn't heard her today, he never would. And this had given her a   
headache. "Enjoy the sandwiches. Tell Willow I'll call her later." 


	10. Chapter 10

Blurry 10/?  
Author: Amanda  
Summary:  
Rating: PG-13, for now  
Disclaimers: Not mine, it's all Joss'.  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.  
Distribution: Please ask.   
  
*************  
  
Buffy smoothed the dress down over her hips and looked up at the doors in front of her.   
In there lay danger. Danger that she was not prepared to cope with. At one time she   
would have loved to sit down in a fancy restaurant and use the correct fork. She had even   
thought she would fit in there. But that was when she still lived in a fairy tale world. She   
could face demons, save the world a few times, but she still cowered in the face of a   
maitre d' that spoke in haughty foreign tones. It was now or never though. Ignoring the   
looks of the teenage valets, she pushed the door open. She didn't know if they were   
looking at her because she had walked or if it was because she presented a pretty picture.   
She hoped it was because she had walked the three miles to the restaurant in her heels   
and dress.  
  
It looked like a house from the outside, but inside, the rooms were open. Candles   
flickered, lighting the small tables. She could hear the slight background noise of music,   
underneath the idle voices. It seemed everyone whispered here, even the staff.  
  
"Can I help you miss?"  
  
"I'm meeting someone. Rupert Giles. There should be a reservation."   
  
His eyes raked over her. She wondered if she passed inspection? And if not, what would   
they do to her? Would she have to go to some etiquette school? She thought she looked   
appropriate. She had even popped into the Pizza Palace down the street to check and   
repair any damage. She must have passed muster as he motioned for her to follow. She   
wished Dawn hadn't backed out at the last minute. At least then, she could have had   
someone beside her. She had even protested against this restaurant when Giles had   
suggested it. But he had said she deserved to go someplace nice to post celebrate her   
birthday. And she'd given in.  
  
"Buffy, I'm glad you're here."   
  
She sank down into the seat the maitre d' had pulled out for her and looked Giles over.   
This wasn't Giles. At least not her Giles. Not her watcher Giles. Watcher Giles wore   
tweed suits. No, this had to be an imposter. This was someone that she had never seen   
before. His glasses were present, but his silk shirt was open at the throat, and he had an   
earring. An earring! Someone had kidnapped Giles and replaced him with an imposter.  
  
"Are you okay? You look a little…." Buffy fumbled for words, but couldn't find any.   
She was glad when he filled in for her.   
  
"Different?"  
  
"I guess different would work."  
  
"I wear something besides tweed on occasion."  
  
"And the earring?"  
  
"I've always had an earring."  
  
"I don't think I've ever seen you wear it before? Are you sure you're Giles?"  
  
"I am Giles, just a more progressive Giles."  
  
She didn't know what to say to that. What do you say to someone who has radically   
changed his appearance? It shocked her. She didn't think she could be anymore   
surprised. Well maybe if Spike stopped dying his hair, but it would be a close call.  
  
"Dawn backed out, said she had homework."  
  
"Actually, I asked Dawn not to come. I told her I'd take her shopping for her birthday."  
  
Giles asked Dawn to back out. Giles was dressing younger. She was getting a little   
scared. Then she noticed that there was an empty chair. Maybe he had met someone and   
wanted to introduce them. That made her feel so much better. "Then who else is   
coming?"  
  
"I wasn't entirely truthful with you Buffy. This is to celebrate your birthday. But I also   
wanted to talk to you about a job offer. And our other guest is here now."  
  
Her gaze switched from Giles to where his eyes were focused behind her head. She   
hadn't noticed she was standing up, until their guest pushed her back into her chair. It   
was Spike. Spike in black. Spike in black slacks and a black shirt. Spike who was all   
dressed up and looking very un-Spike like. She checked his hair real quick. Yes, it was   
still bleached. She wasn't sure she could have taken if it wasn't.   
  
"Rupert. You didn't say we'd be having anyone joining us."  
  
"What's the meaning of this Giles?" Okay, that came a little harsher than she'd intended.   
"Spike." He looked at her with the mention of his name. "It's Spike." She said lamely.   
If she'd known he was going to show up she might have worn something different, maybe   
not something quite as conservative as the black dress she had chosen.  
Spike hadn't expected anyone else. But he should have been more suspicious when Giles   
had suggested this place. But with his questioning, he had been told it was on the   
council's tab. And he had accepted it. Would he have come if he had known she would   
be here? Would she have? With the looks she was shooting him, he figured she might   
have. But himself, he didn't know.   
  
He was still confused over last night and he didn't want to add any more confusion to   
trying to figure out what that was. But it seemed he was going to have to. Buffy threw   
him for a loop. And he didn't know how to respond to her. His body knew how to   
respond to her though. When she had stood up upon seeing him, fire had shot through   
him. He didn't know the last time he had seen her wear a short skirt or a dress. It was   
usually pants, or the occasional long skirt. Or it had been nothing for a while. But there   
was something about seeing the woman you loved in a short black dress. And while he   
didn't know how to react to her or what to say, his body sure did.  
  
"All will be explained in time. First we'll celebrate, then we'll talk"  
  
*************  
  
Buffy had muddled her way through the numerous silverware options, taking her   
direction from Spike. How did he know which fork to use? And why could he speak   
flawless French? This was a Spike that she didn't know, one that fit in here as easily as   
he fit in at a demon bar. And it was one she really wanted to know, if he would let her.   
She hoped that he did. Throughout each course, she had merely sat back and listened as   
he and Giles had discussed things. The subjects ranged from which wine was better, to   
who would win the World Cup. And he had seemed to enjoy himself. He had had a   
smile on his face and a light in his eyes. She remembered a time when he had that look   
with her. A look of happiness. Until she had turned her back on him and had run out the   
door. Now, he looked at her with a face that showed nothing.   
  
"Buffy, are you ready to talk about why we're really here?"   
  
Giles brought her out of her musings. She surveyed them both. Giles looked on edge   
and Spike looked a little scared. Like maybe he knew what was coming and he wasn't   
sure how she would react.   
  
"Why are we here? And why all this?" She gestured to the restaurant. She couldn't   
understand why he had brought her here to discuss something. They could have done it   
at her house or at the Magic Shoppe."  
  
"This was a late birthday dinner. And we're discussing job options. Anya told me about   
her new venture. And while I don't entirely approve, it probably will be a good   
undertaking. But it won't pay all your bills. I want you to hear me out, before you say   
no. But I do need an answer tonight. Can you do that?"  
  
"Fine. Talk away."  
  
"The council is willing to pay you a salary. You will also receive medical benefits. In   
exchange, weekly encoded reports will need to be sent to them weekly. Reports that will   
detail activity here in Sunnydale. It will include what demons you've encountered, any   
problems you are facing, how your training is going. Nothing personal. They just want   
to keep abreast of what is happening. In return, should you require any help at all, they   
will provide it.  
  
"Because they require someone other than you to file the reports, I have asked Spike to   
fill that role. If you agree to this, he will fulfill those duties. I have drawn up a contract,   
where he will receive forty percent of your salary and you will receive the other sixty.   
Any questions so far?"  
  
"So all I have to do is patrol and if I need any help, call the council? And all Spike has to   
do is write a few sentences about what my week was like?"  
  
"Not exactly. They'll want details on your nightly patrols, so Spike will need to   
accompany you. They'll also want to know how your training is going. They'll require at   
least a page worth of detailed information. Spike will type it on a computer located in   
Anya's shop, encrypt it, and then email it to the council."  
  
"Does it have to be done at the shop?"  
  
"I don't think a computer would be wise in your crypt."  
  
"I'm not going to be there much longer"  
  
"Where are you going to be? You're not leaving are you?"  
  
Spike could see the panic come over her face. Had it really affected her that much when   
he left? Did she really count on him that much? It appeared so, from the way she was   
reacting. He had always thought if he picked up and left, she wouldn't notice or care. It   
seemed he was wrong. She really meant it when she told him not to leave without saying   
goodbye. And if he had any kittens to bet, he'd bet she didn't want him to leave at all.   
"No. No, just thinking about renting an apartment."  
  
Giles thought it over. He didn't see why they couldn't set up the computer somewhere   
else. It would probably be easier on everyone involved. He could see Spike trying to use   
the thing in the middle of the shop and scaring all of Anya's customers away when he   
forgot to save and lost his report. In fact, it might be safer for all involved, if the public   
was far away from Spike and the computer. "It's possible then, that we could have the   
computer set up in your apartment. We would have to make sure that there was the   
proper security in place."  
  
This all seemed too easy to Buffy. There had to be a catch somewhere. "So, what you're   
saying is, everything stays the same and I just get paid by the council. So Spike patrols,   
that's no big deal, he's done it before."   
  
"And they want to know how your training is going and about any research, of course.   
That can be accomplished by Spike watching you train and telling you what you're doing   
wrong. It would of course be better if you had someone train with you that could match   
your strength. But we work with what we can."  
  
"Spike can fight me. I'm sure he won't mind."  
  
"I guess if he doesn't mind getting headaches. But that's entirely up to him."  
  
"You didn't tell him, did you? Did you tell anyone?" He couldn't believe it. He was sure   
there had been questions about how he could have hurt Buffy before he left. He would   
have thought they would have asked about the chip and she would have told them. And   
he would have thought she had learned by now, that she shouldn't keep things from her   
friends or her watcher.  
  
"I told Tara."   
  
"Did you learn anything about lying to your friends? I would have thought you would   
have told your watcher. He could have looked into it. And I bet you didn't tell him about   
when you got shot either, did you?"  
  
"Tara looked into it."  
  
"Well it's nice to know you got some answers, even though I was never clued in. And the   
other?"  
  
"They didn't need to know."  
  
"Yes they do. They all need to know. Either you tell them, or I do. It's your choice."  
  
And if there was anything she had learned, he would tell them. He had said he would tell   
her friends about the two of them and he had. Of course, he couldn't have picked a worse   
time or way to do it. At least this time, there would only be Giles present. But he was   
probably right, she should tell them. However, she didn't want to hear all about how she   
couldn't trust Spike. He had proved that she could trust him. She trusted him more than   
anyone else at the moment and she couldn't lose him from her life. That was the one   
thing she was scared of. She'd tell them and then they'd run him off. But if she hadn't   
run him off forever, they probably couldn't either.   
  
"Can I have another glass of wine?" At both of their looks, she defended herself.   
Obviously no one ever forgot what she was like when she drank. "What? I didn't drive   
here. I think I can walk home in one piece." With a roll of his eyes, Spike filled her wine   
glass. She took a sip to fortify herself. It really wasn't bad. Much better than whatever   
that was she had drunk with Spike. She could get used to drinking this, she thought, as   
she took another sip. Squaring her shoulders against the onslaught of questions that were   
sure to come, she slowly said, "Spike's chip doesn't work on me."  
  
"It doesn't work anymore?" Giles was alarmed at that. He instantly became alert. And   
furious. He couldn't believe that Buffy had kept this from him. He couldn't believe the   
danger she had put everyone in. His hand crept towards his pants pocket where he had   
hidden a stake.  
  
He should have known she'd bugger it all up Spike thought. At least he was there to   
provide the facts. "Oh it still works, it just doesn't work on Buffy. Ever since she came   
back. She came back wrong."  
  
"I did not."  
  
"Well you never told me differently, so how was I to know?"  
  
"I came back fine, just a little sun burnt. A molecular sunburn, or something like that is   
what Tara said."  
  
"Are you still sun burnt?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Willow brought you back to life again, she could have undone that this time."  
  
"What do you mean Willow brought you back again?"  
  
With Giles' words, they brought their attention back to him. They'd forgotten he was   
there. She couldn't believe she had forgotten about Giles. Or the other people in the   
restaurant. With Spike, she seemed to have tunnel vision. She noticed him and only him;   
everyone else disappeared. But now she was back in reality and she really didn't want to   
answer the question that Giles had. "Spike."  
  
"Tell him, or I will. He's your watcher and he needs to know."  
  
"Not anymore. It seems you might hold that position now. Are you up for it? Are you   
going to demand to know everything?"   
  
"I already do. And I am not a watcher and I never will be."  
  
He was right. She wasn't sure she liked him being right. He did know everything. Well   
pretty much everything. At least he used to. He was the one that understood her, knew   
when something was bothering her, and he was the one she had confided in. "Fine.   
When Warren shot me, I died. I could have found peace again, but Willow brought me   
back to life."  
  
"Maybe it was the doctors." Giles didn't want to believe it was true. And he would have   
preferred never knowing.   
  
"It wasn't the doctors Giles. It was Willow. But I don't think she needs to know. She has   
enough to deal with right now."  
  
"You're probably right. Buffy, you can't keep these secrets."  
  
"See, someone agrees with me." Spike was smug with the fact that someone agreed with   
him. No one ever agreed with him. No ever listened to him.   
  
"Both of you stop. I am trying. I am trying real hard. But I can't just bear everything all   
at once. It's just not easy. You didn't change overnight Spike. And neither did you   
Giles. You can't expect me to either."  
  
"I know you've been through a lot Buffy, but we can help." Giles wanted to reach out   
and help her. It was the same dilemma he'd been in back in the fall. Stay or go. Let her   
grow up or stay and take care of her problems. He wanted to help, but he needed to find   
a middle ground. And the council's offer was his middle ground. He knew she had   
counted on Spike a lot and this way she could rely on him even more. And Spike seemed   
to understand that she shouldn't keep things from her friends, because it wouldn't help in   
the end. He just might be helping her by leaving her in Spike's hands.  
  
"I have been through a lot and none of you know what that's like. All I can do is promise   
to try and share things. But I won't do that, if all I get are friends that won't understand or   
support me. I won't go through what I went through earlier."  
  
"What did you go through earlier?"  
  
"Xander."  
  
"Ah. Like you said, a person can't change overnight. Give him time."   
  
"Time? He's had time. He's had six years to see that things aren't always black and   
white. He'll forgive Willow. He'll look past her transgressions. But forget anyone else's.   
It can't go that way. I won't be judged by my actions, thoughts, or deeds. I'm the slayer   
and if something ends up needing to be done, I'll do it. I know my duty, I don't need to   
be reminded of it."  
  
"Then accept this offer from the council. It's a one time deal. You know your duty and   
you should have all the resources you might ever need available to you. This way you   
will."  
  
There still seemed like a catch to her, like she was missing something. "You're not   
telling me something Giles. What are you leaving out? Why do you want me to align   
myself with the council? And why are you pushing me so hard?"  
  
He had known he would have to tell her. But he had hoped to wait until after she had   
signed the paperwork. "They won't help Willow without knowing what is going on in   
Sunnydale."  
  
"What do you mean help Willow?" She could hear her voice go sharp. And she could   
feel the anger start to build inside.  
  
"The reason we were in London, instead of in Devon where the coven is, is because we   
weren't with the coven. We were with the council."  
  
"What do you mean you were with the council?"  
  
"The coven didn't have enough power to deal with Willow. Willow had serious dark   
magic running through her. They couldn't bind that, at least not permanently. But the   
council could and they did."  
  
"What's the catch?"  
  
"Eventually they'll want to release the bind. Willow is very powerful and they are aware   
that having a powerful witch on their side would be a tremendous asset. At some point,   
when she's ready, they'll release the bind on her."  
  
"And what if she goes all wacky again?"  
  
"That's a chance they're willing to take."  
  
"And what if I'm not."  
  
"If you don't agree to this, then they'll release the bind right now. Do you want that? Do   
you think that is best for Willow?"  
  
"That's why they want the reports, right?"  
  
"Partly. But they are also interested in the hellmouth's activity. This is beneficial to   
everyone."  
  
"And you couldn't have mentioned that in the beginning? You lied to me."  
  
"It was for everyone's own good."  
  
"No. It was for yours and Willow's. But what about mine? The only good it does me is   
money. Money that I can get elsewhere."  
  
"It allows you access to all kinds of things that you haven't had access to in a long time.   
Don't thumb your nose at something you know nothing about. What about those demons   
you keep encountering that you can't identify? They can help with that. And with   
Spike's help, you'll have his knowledge."  
  
Spike could see the fury in her body. It was funny, she'd lied, but hated anyone lying to   
her. She was a mass of contradictions. But Giles was right, she could use the council.   
And more importantly, she could use the money. "Buffy. Don't just throw it away."  
  
"Did you know about this?" Because if he had known about all of this, she just might   
throttle him. She thought she could trust Spike. That was one thing she depended on.   
Just like she depended on being able to tell when he lied to her. And if he had known   
about this, she hadn't been able to tell that he knew something he wasn't telling.  
  
"No. Giles just approached me about the job. That's all I knew. They aren't asking for   
anything from you. I got your back. They want you, they need you. You will be   
controlling them."  
  
Giles felt the need to stick up for Spike. This was getting eerie, how much he was   
agreeing with Spike. "He is quite right Buffy."  
  
"You really think I should do this?" She didn't care what Giles thought; she only cared   
what Spike thought. And he seemed to want her to do this.   
  
"I do."  
  
"Why?"   
  
"Do you really want to work all day and then fix dinner for Dawn and then when you're   
tired, patrol? When will you train? When will you have fun?"  
  
He made a lot of sense. The practical reasons alone might be worth it. "It's not just cause   
you want a paycheck?"  
  
"The money's nice, but I don't need it."  
  
"You wanted to get an apartment."  
  
"I could just get a dump off of the salary Anya's paying me, instead of a nicer one that   
Dawn could visit. Think of you. Think of the benefits it brings you."  
  
"And you won't tell the council anything I don't want you to?"  
  
"You can read every report before I send it."  
  
She shuddered at that. She didn't want to read boring council reports. If he was getting   
paid, he could handle that. "I trust you."   
  
"Then we have a deal? You'll sign the paperwork?" Giles had been worried that she   
wouldn't take it. And yes, it benefited her. But in the end, it benefited Willow more.   
She needed the council's support and guidance.   
  
"Fine Giles, I'll sign the paperwork. But I have a few changes. Any money Spike makes,   
he gets to keep. He doesn't have to return any of it. And if he quits, the whole deals off.   
I won't trust anyone else."  
  
"Buffy."  
  
"That's the deal. Take it or leave it. Now what's the salary that I get a portion of?" 


	11. Chapter 11

Blurry 11/?  
Author: Amanda  
Summary: It's summer in Sunnydale. Everyone has made it back from their journeys   
overseas. Buffy has agreed to provisions set by the council and will be earning a   
paycheck. Spike also gets one, for helping Buffy. Dawn's in summer school. Xander is   
Xander still. And Willow is trying to cope with her actions.  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimers: Not mine, it's all Joss'.  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished, and given a good home.  
Distribution: Please ask. It is up at fanfiction.net and B/S Central.  
A/N: Many thanks and praise to Mezz for the beta.  
  
**************  
  
Willow let herself back inside. It was nice to feel the cool air conditioning on her warm   
skin. It had been warm outside, maybe a little too warm to just sit out there, but she   
needed the quiet. She had needed to get away from Xander's probing eyes, so that she   
could think. So that she could make plans. He wanted to baby her. He wanted to tell her   
what to say, what to think. It had been nice at first, since she didn't know how to cope   
with her actions. But now she had to try and stand on her own two feet. She thought she   
was ready. She was ready to move on with life, she just had to figure out how to do that.  
  
She had to figure out how to be Willow. But first she needed to find out who Willow   
was. And that was what she had been searching for out on the patio. All that she knew   
or believed about herself, now seemed to be missing. She wasn't a witch with magical   
powers. She wasn't Tara's lover. She wasn't the one that Buffy came to and confided in.   
She wasn't a college senior like she should be. Instead she was junior, who was on   
academic probation for flunking all her classes. She probably could have gotten her   
professors to give her incompletes for the semester. But that would have entailed   
explanations and she had been too busy trying to end the world to let them know why she   
wouldn't be turning in final papers and taking exams.   
  
"Going to watch TV with me after all?"  
  
Xander's words brought her out of her musings. He had such a hopeful look on his face.   
They'd barely said a word to each other since Buffy had left earlier in the day. Both were   
caught in their own thoughts. It was tempting to throw those thoughts away and bask in   
the frivolous. But she couldn't do that. She had to prove to everyone that she could make   
it. Actually, she needed to prove it to herself. She had to prove to herself that she was   
getting better. Magic hadn't solved anything, and running wouldn't solve things either.   
"Can we talk instead?"  
  
"Always up for a little Willow talk."  
  
She settled down beside him on the couch, pulling a blanket up to cover her lap. "I   
wanted to talk about this afternoon."  
  
"I didn't mean it the way it sounded Will. I would never want anything to happen to you.   
You're Willow. My best friend."  
  
"Not about that. Not quite ready to talk about that. About Buffy."  
  
"I shouldn't have left her here alone. I didn't think he'd have shown his face again. But   
he did, and I don't know what he did to her but…"  
  
"Xander, you need to stop it. Buffy's a grown woman. And I don't think Spike did   
anything to her."  
  
"Willow, you know what he did."  
  
"I know what you say he did. Buffy hasn't told me anything. And neither has Spike."  
  
"But I saw it."  
  
"You weren't there. They were the only ones there. You let Tara and I work things out   
on our own, right?"  
  
"Well yeah, but you two were good together."  
  
"Maybe so, but we have to let Buffy and Spike work this out on their own. And if we   
interfere, I think we might push her away."  
  
"But she's not thinking straight. We've already had one vampire go crazy and kill people   
we care about. There's already been so much. I don't want anymore."  
  
"I don't either. But you didn't see Buffy's eyes today Xander. She feels something for   
him. Something I don't quite understand. But there's something there. And I'm going to   
support her."  
  
"How can you? After all the things he's done."  
  
"How can I not? Buffy's my friend. She's been so much more supporting of me, than I   
would have ever dreamed of. More than I deserved. It's the least I can do."  
  
"Of course we're supportive of you. Why wouldn't we be? You're our best friend."  
  
"I don't deserve it from Buffy. The things I said to her might have been how I was   
feeling, but that doesn't make how I told her right. And I could have been a better friend   
throughout the year to her."  
  
"You're a great friend."  
  
"No I'm not. And neither are you. We're selfish, only thinking about ourselves. We   
never thought once how hard Buffy has had it, trying to assimilate back into the land of   
the living. We never thought about how we could help her. So she turned to Spike. And   
she felt like she couldn't tell us, because of how we'd react. That's being lousy friends. If   
we were her true friends, she would have been able to come to us, about anything. And   
we would have noticed that she was having problems." Willow scooted over closer to   
Xander and rested her head on his shoulder. "We need to be better friends. We need to   
be better people."  
  
*************  
  
Buffy wished she could stay like this forever. Or as close to forever as she could. But   
she knew they were almost at the house and this would end. But she would replay it over   
and over again. The wind rushing through her hair. Her chest curved against Spike's   
back. Her thighs cradling his butt. And her arms wrapped around his body. Gravity   
pulled them together. They existed as if they were one. Around corners, down streets   
and up hills they moved together. She didn't know where he ended and she began. It   
reminded her of her dreams.   
  
Dreams she had had where they moved together. Their bodies were naked, wrapped   
around each other. Together they had pounded as one, melting into one another. Two   
liquids that at the height of passion were forever combined. Currents raged around them,   
but instead of tearing them apart, it brought them closer together.   
  
Too bad life wasn't like that. Instead of forging them together, it had driven them apart.   
But right now, she could feel like one with him. Right now, she had her dream come   
true. But the dream always ended when she woke up. And it would be ending soon here   
too, as soon as he pulled into her driveway.  
  
She had turned down Giles' offer of a ride home. Though she'd taken the council's offer,   
she was still mad at him. Mad enough to walk home. Or so she had thought. One block   
down the street, Spike had pulled up. No words were exchanged, she had just hiked her   
dress up and hopped on the bike. She didn't know how long they had driven but he had   
taken a very long scenic route home.  
  
They had rushed by the ocean and she could see the waves crashing upon the shore.   
They had raced the wind up to the bluff, where she could over look the city. They had   
meandered down streets lined with identical houses, and she had imagined perfect   
families inside playing board games or watching TV. It seemed he knew what she   
needed. Escape. And he had provided it.   
  
It was eerie the way he knew what she needed. Over the winter, after a hard night of   
slaying, he'd given her exactly what she'd needed. Cold hands had rested upon her neck   
and then eased their way down her body kneading the tired and sore muscles. But   
inevitably they would work themselves back up to just rest upon her neck. His cool   
touch had helped ease away the stress and tension that always lurked there.   
  
Now the bike ride that he provided had eased away some of her tension. It had helped   
her relax and forget her worries for a little while. He helped her so much and she didn't   
do a whole lot for him in return. He was giving up his freedom, to help her. No longer   
would he have the choice of staying in for the night, playing kitten poker, or slaying.   
He'd given up his choices for her. And she wasn't really sure why he had. Yes, she was   
grateful. But she didn't understand it.   
  
She had tried to make amends, but those had been thrown back at her. And he hadn't   
wanted to start over. So she couldn't understand why he would sacrifice so much for her.   
She didn't know if he still loved her. She wanted him to. She wasn't sure she knew what   
to do anymore if he didn't. And she thought she saw it in his eyes. When he had agreed   
to help her, when he had pulled up beside her, and when he had walked out on her as she   
was trying to make things right. But she couldn't understand why if he loved her, he   
didn't want to start over. But then if he didn't love her anymore, why would he be so   
willing to help her? There were so many questions she wanted answers to. But she was   
afraid to ask those questions, for fear of what the answers were.  
  
"You going to stay like this all night? Keep me here until the sun rises and I turn to   
dust?"  
  
His words had replaced the purr of the engine. She realized that they were home. He had   
pulled into the driveway and turned the bike off. She wondered how long she had been   
curled around him, lost in her thoughts. Slowly, she unwound herself from him, trying to   
commit the feeling of his body to her memory. "Sorry, I was thinking."  
  
"Why do you still have your mom's car?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"The car. You refuse to drive it, so why do you still have it?"  
  
"Did you wreck yours? Is this why all you ride is the bike? Looking for a new vehicle to   
drive around in the daytime?"  
  
"My car is in perfect condition."  
  
"It's a piece of junk."  
  
"When was the last time you rode in it? It's a classic."  
  
"You have trash in there that's probably a hundred years old."  
  
"At least I drive my car."  
  
"Hey now, I can drive."  
  
"Then why don't you?"  
  
"I'm just not good at it. I was thinking about selling it. Now I'm not sure."  
  
"Either sell it, let the nibblet drive it, or drive it yourself."  
  
"Dawn does not get a car."  
  
"Couldn't let her show you up now could you?"  
  
"Fine, I'll drive it myself."  
  
"Just warn me before you get behind the wheel. That way I'll know to make sure I'm nice   
and comfy inside and away from you."  
  
"Like I'd run over you. I wouldn't want your vampire guts to destroy the paint."  
  
"Buffy, I'm serious. You need to learn to drive. What if something happens? You can't   
always depend on someone else."  
  
"I'll think about it."  
  
"Make sure you do."  
  
"Is this your first official duty as my pseudo watcher?"  
  
"I'm not any kind of watcher. I'll see you later."  
  
"You're going? You can stay a while. That is if you want to."  
  
He wanted to, he really did. But he knew it wasn't a good idea and she didn't seem to see   
that. "I can't, you know that."  
  
"No I don't. Why can't you?"  
  
"It's not a good idea, it's wrong."  
  
"What's wrong? Why isn't it a good idea? I thought we had a good time last night sitting   
and talking. I did and I thought you did to. And tonight at dinner, I thought you enjoyed   
yourself. I know you weren't alone with me, but I thought you enjoyed my company. It's   
different now. I'm different. Can't you see that? We can do this."  
  
"Buffy."  
  
"No. Don't try and tell me it's for my own good. I don't want to hear that. I have   
feelings for you Spike. And I'm admitting that out loud. Don't you realize that's a huge   
step for me? Why can't you come in? Why can't we see where this goes?"  
  
"We have a working relationship now. Do you want to mess that up?"  
  
"We're adults. We can do both. I know we can. And if we work together, we should be   
friends. You don't even want to be friends with me, do you?"  
  
"We're friends already. Why can't you leave it at that?"  
  
"Because I want more. Because I want to be happy. And I deserve it. And for some   
strange reason, I think I can be happy with you. I need someone that understands me,   
someone who will fight with me, someone who won't back down from me, someone who   
can handle how strong and independent I am."  
  
"I'm not the one for you. You need someone to walk in the sunlight. Someone you'll   
grow old with."  
  
"You're just like Angel. You think you know what's best for me."  
  
"I am nothing like Angel."  
  
"No, then prove it. Take back what you just said. Ask me if I want those things? Ask   
me what I want, instead of deciding what you think is best for me. Otherwise, you're just   
like him."  
  
"What do you want Buffy?"  
  
"I want to try and have a relationship with you."  
  
"And what about all you'll be missing out on?"  
  
"I'm not normal. Normal relationships don't work for me."  
  
**************  
  
Anya watched as Giles transferred all the clothes she had carefully hung up, into his   
suitcase. "You're leaving? Why? You just got here."  
  
"It's time for me to go back. My business here is done."  
  
"But why? I thought you wanted to spend time with me. You said you wanted to get to   
know me better. Is it because I'm still a demon? Or did Xander say something?"  
  
"This has nothing to do with you or Xander. I've done all I can for Buffy and it's better if   
I go now."  
  
"Why can't you stay? I don't understand."  
  
"I don't have a place in Buffy's life anymore. I saw that tonight. Spike's the one she   
looks to for reassurance and guidance. And staying here is just delaying the inevitable.   
It'll be easier if I go now."  
  
"But what about me? About us? How can we get to know each other better if you're   
back in England?"  
  
"You're still a demon right?"  
  
"So that's why you don't want to be with me. That's why you're leaving, right?"  
  
"No, I just meant that you can teleport over there. I'm not sure where we stand. But like   
I told you, I want to find out. And it'll be cheaper and faster, if you come and see me."  
  
"Oh. You're sure it's not me?"  
  
He set down the shirt he was folding and took one of Anya's hands in his. She was   
beautiful. And for all her years of being on earth, so young. And insecure. He seriously   
wanted to hurt Xander for making her so insecure, so doubtful of herself, of her allure.   
"Anya, you are a beautiful woman and any man would be crazy to give you up. I don't   
know if I'm the man for you. We talked about this, remember."  
  
"But we're gonna find out, right?"  
  
"Yes we are. And to do that, we'll need to spend time together. Just not here."  
  
He pulled her slowly towards him, until they were merely inches apart. His free hand   
traced her face. He committed to memory the texture of her lips, the way they curved   
and enticed him. He had wanted to wait, to make sure that there was something really   
between them before he kissed her. She was still fragile and he didn't want to break her   
heart. But he couldn't wait any longer. His lips lowered towards hers. He wouldn't have   
to merely make do with the memory of the way her lips looked. Now he could imbed the   
memory of her kiss, and savor it until the next time. And as his lips met hers, he knew   
there would be a next time.   
  
**************  
  
"So let me get this straight. You want to draw up a contract, detailing the specifics of   
each relationship we have. Friends, co-workers, and lovers?" Spike thought she had lost   
her mind. She had stood in front of him, telling him all the supposed benefits of having a   
contract, how she thought it could work out. He thought she really was daft. She was   
like talking to a brick wall. For so long he had tried to convince her that he had changed,   
that he was different. She hadn't budged then. And now, she seemed to have her mind   
made up that he had changed. He was a vampire. He was evil. He might have a soul,   
not that she knew about it though, but that didn't mean he wasn't still evil. And she   
should be running in the opposite direction.  
  
"What's wrong with that? That way we can't mess our working relationship up." It had   
seemed like a good idea at the time. If they had a contract, they had rules. And rules   
were good. Rules were real good, because then you had to obey them and no one could   
get hurt. Well unless you broke the rules, but she had no intention of doing that. She had   
no intention of hurting him again.   
  
"You really are stupid."  
  
"Hey now! You're the one that proclaims he loves me, but wants to stay away from me.   
That's pretty stupid in my book."  
  
"Why won't you get it? We're not good for each other." I'm not good for you. You're   
not good for me. We're toxic together. He wanted to tell her that, but he didn't want to   
see her cry, and he was afraid those words would.  
  
She already seemed to be hovering on the edge of tears. Trying to explain that she wasn't   
normal and didn't want a normal relationship. Trying so hard to convince him to give her   
a chance. It was hard holding out against her. It might be the hardest thing he had ever   
done. But he didn't want to hurt her. Never again. And he was afraid that he would,   
even if it was unknowingly. And she would hurt him too, however much she tried not to.   
He couldn't go through that again and she didn't need to.  
  
"But we can be. Look at us now; we're having a conversation. Not a very productive   
one, but a conversation. When was the last time that happened? I've changed. You've   
changed. I can see it. I can admit it now. You have changed Spike. You've proven it to   
me so many times. Now let me prove to you that I've changed. Give me a chance."  
  
"Why should I give you a chance? Why should I let myself be kicked in the head again,   
let myself be told I'm dirt?" As soon as he said the words, he regretted them. Even   
though it was the truth. But the truth hurt her and he didn't want to do that. "I'm sorry, I   
shouldn't have said that."  
  
"No, you're right. I did those things; I have to live with that. But I want to make amends.   
I want to try and make things right."  
  
"Why should we try this? Give me one good reason why we should set this tentative   
friendship we have now up to be torn apart." He knew he was giving in to her. He could   
feel it. He had never been able to hold out against her. He loved her, he would do   
anything for her. Anything. And if that included cutting his own heart out, he would do   
it.  
  
"Because you love me. And somewhere deep inside of you, there's a part of you that   
wants to be with me, that wants it to work. And I want to try. I want to give whatever is   
inside mea chance into trying to make this work. I know it won't be easy. I know that at   
times we'll drive each other crazy. But nothing that's good in life is ever easy." He   
looked at her like she had sprouted two heads or something. Obviously he didn't buy that   
she had come up with it on her own. "Okay, I read that on some internet site, when I was   
searching for relationship advice. See, I'm trying to find out what makes a good   
relationship. That's a start isn't it?"  
  
"One chance. One screw up and forget it. We work together, nothing else."  
  
"So, we can go out on a date or something?"  
  
"You can help me look at apartments."  
  
"I thought we could have dinner. Or maybe go dancing or something else."  
  
"We do it my way or not at all. We're not ready for a date. We have to be friends first.   
Your choice. Do you want to go apartment hunting or not?"  
  
"Fine. Apartment hunting it is."  
  
"Meet me at my crypt tomorrow morning." 


	12. Chapter 12

Blurry 12/?  
Author: Amanda  
Rating: PG13 or so, for now  
Disclaimers: Not mine.   
Distribution: Please ask. Previous chapters are at fanfiction.net and B/S Central.  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.  
Summary: After season 6. Everyone's back in Sunnydale – Willow without powers,   
Spike with a soul. Buffy is slaying for money and Spike is her pseudo-watcher. Anya's   
still a demon. And Xander is exactly how I see Xander. Spike has decided to find a new   
residence. And he and Buffy are trying to be friends.  
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for the great beta.  
  
  
**************  
  
  
"Do you really need two bedrooms? You could save some money if you just got one.   
And why do you want the top floor? With huge windows?"  
  
Spike mentally reminded himself to never ask Buffy to go apartment hunting again. Not   
that he needed to any time soon, but in the future, he wanted to make sure he remembered   
to not bring her along. And that might go for any type of shopping too. She questioned   
everything and was way too bright and perky to the salespeople. She had reminded him   
of the bot. He'd tried to ask her what her deal was, and all she'd muttered was that   
someone had to be nice and friendly instead of all moody and broody, and what was his   
problem anyway.  
  
His problem was that he hadn't slept. And she had been way too close to him. And   
everywhere they'd gone, the bank, and numerous apartment buildings, everyone had   
thought they were together. The lady at the bank had said, 'they were a beautiful couple.'   
He had expected Buffy to tell the woman they weren't a couple, they weren't even friends.   
But she had surprised him, mystified him. She just got a shocked look on her face, then a   
small smile appeared and she had said 'thank you.' And he had been mute. Silent. And   
when he hadn't spoken up, the smile had gotten a little bigger.  
  
He knew then that she'd gotten the wrong impression. He should have spoken up. He   
should have said something. But he hadn't, he had liked seeing her happy. So all   
throughout the morning and afternoon, she was nice and cheerful. And bloody annoying.   
Nice was good. Even friendly would be okay. But cheerful? When was Buffy ever   
cheerful and smiling at everything? He never thought he would be praying that she'd   
punch him in the nose or call him nasty names. But he was now. Buffy being bright and   
cheery was very scary.  
  
He had concentrated on finding apartments where the entrance was inside the building.   
They were a little pricier, but he thought it was worth it so that he wouldn't have to worry   
about the sun. He had managed to get a place at the new complex that had just been built   
downtown. Only a few blocks from the shop. And right beside a sewer entrance.  
  
"Are you paying attention?"  
  
"Two bedrooms, so that one can be an office. And I liked the view."  
  
"You're a vampire."  
  
"Doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good view. Learned that from Darla. She always   
wanted a view of the city. Bet it's pretty at night. And I was a little sick of the below the   
ground accommodations I've had for a while."  
  
"Guess we got to go in, huh?" She didn't want to go in. She really wanted to stay and sit   
in the car. But Anya had called early this morning and told her that everyone was needed   
at the Magic Shoppe around four. And she had specifically included Spike in that   
everyone.   
  
So now they sat in the alley behind the shop, in the Desoto, neither one moving towards   
the doors. Of course she knew she would have to go first, so that she could hold the door   
open for Spike, so he could come flying through. But he didn't make any move to get out   
of the car.   
  
She thought that they'd had a good day. She knew he was annoyed with her and her   
cheerful attitude. But she couldn't help it, she was happy. It was a nice normal day with   
just the two of them. No fights, no nasty exchanges. Just two people searching for an   
apartment. Two people that many assumed were searching for an apartment together.   
And he hadn't contradicted anyone. Deep down she knew that this didn't mean anything   
and that he wouldn't define them as a couple at all, but there was still a part of her that   
was happy about it. It was a start. A small start in gaining some stable ground between   
them.  
  
"I got this for you."  
  
She wasn't sure what she expected, but she knew it wasn't a schedule of classes for   
Sunnydale Community College. "Is there a reason?"  
  
"They have another summer session starting in two weeks. If you're lucky, there'll still   
be some spots open."  
  
"And what would I take?" With this newfound wealth from the Council, she had thought   
her working and college days were over. She had visions of seeing Dawn off to school,   
then going back for some sleep. And training and slaying later on in the day. Of course   
she couldn't forget her two nights a month working for Anya. She had envisioned an   
easy life. Easy if you didn't factor in all the housework she would still have to do.  
  
"You dropped out last spring, right? In the middle of the term? Pick up one of those   
classes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why not? You need an education."  
  
"Slayers don't need a college education."  
  
"You need to set a good example for Dawn. And you can't slay all the time."  
  
"I wouldn't even know what to take. Or how to study."  
  
"What class did you like the most that you had to drop out of?"  
  
"Poetry."  
  
"Poetry?" Was she making fun of him? No, she looked entirely serious like she had   
really enjoyed a poetry class. Was this a cosmic joke on him? He tries so hard to leave   
his past behind him and he falls in love with a woman who likes poetry. Was the way to   
her heart poetry the whole time?  
  
"Yeah. I think it was 19th century poetry. I liked it a lot."  
  
"Maybe they offer that. But I'm not helping you study."  
  
"I don't believe I asked you to."  
  
**************  
  
"Why is he here? Actually, why are any of us here? It's not like Buffy needs or wants   
our help when she has super vamp around." Being in the shop reminded Xander of too   
many things. It reminded him of what he and Anya once had. It reminded him of   
Willow bent on destroying the world. He was past all that, he had thought. But seeing   
Spike and Buffy all happy looking reminded him of the evil that was still around. Evil in   
magic, in deeds, in vampires and demons.  
  
"Xander. Don't say things you'll regret." Willow had thought that maybe she had gotten   
through to him. That maybe he had listened. But if he had, any knowledge gained had   
vanished over night. He was still full of hate. Hate for Spike. She didn't know if it was   
because of what happened with Buffy or with Anya. Or maybe a combination of both.   
But he couldn't forgive their deeds. It didn't seem fair. He could wash her bad actions   
away with nary a thought, but no one else's.   
  
"Oh I have no regrets. None at all. I went away and came back to a place where I'm not   
needed or wanted. By anyone. If anyone ever really needs me, you know where to find   
me."  
  
"Everyone's here because I asked them to be. I have an announcement." Making sure all   
eyes were on her, Anya continued on. "Early this morning or late last night, however you   
want to look at it, Giles left. He went back to England. And he gave me letters to give to   
everyone."  
  
"Obviously he doesn't feel needed either. Maybe I should leave too." Xander thought he   
had only thought that; he hadn't realized he had spoken aloud until he heard Willow's   
voice.  
  
"Xander, quit saying that. I need you. What would I do without you?"  
  
Buffy knew Giles was leaving. And she had known it would be soon. But this soon?   
She had never imagined he would really leave this quickly. And he hadn't even said   
anything last night. "He left? He just left again? But he just got here."  
  
The loud upraised voices were making Anya's head hurt. And you really don't want to   
see a vengeance demon with a headache. It isn't a pretty sight.   
  
Xander and Willow were squabbling, while Buffy and Dawn were lost in their own   
thoughts. And Spike, he was just sitting there. Anya raised her arm, hand fisted and   
quickly thrust it downward, opening her fist. Sparks flew from her fingers and a loud   
roar of thunder was heard, as she softly uttered "xianti."  
  
That sure gained their attention. They were all staring at her with their mouths agape.   
Good going Anyanka, you still got it. "Now that I have your attention…."  
  
"What was that?" Dawn asked, cutting Anya off. "Can I learn how to do that?"  
  
"Dawn, you don't need to do big tricks to gain people's attention. And you don't need to   
learn magic, it's evil."  
  
"Xander, not all magic is evil." Obviously they hadn't made progress Willow thought.   
Or maybe they had, but he was against Anya. He obviously had a lot of hate for Anya   
stored up too.   
  
"I already know how to summon Anya. She taught me that. It's so cool. Watch."  
  
Anya rushed in to intercept Dawn. Summoning a vengeance demon when you had no   
plans to make a wish could be dangerous. And of course, sometimes things could go   
wacky when you tried to summon someone that was only a few feet away. She'd seen   
one time when a demon was split in half. And she really didn't want that. It was a pain   
to sew yourself back together. "Dawn, no. Remember what I said, you only summon in   
emergencies. We don't want to make D'hoffryn mad."  
  
"You let her learn magic? You wouldn't even let her research and now she has Anya   
teaching her spells?" Xander couldn't believe the changes that had happened in the short   
weeks he was gone. Buffy and Spike were chummy. Anya was Buffy's new best friend.   
And Buffy was letting Dawn perform major spells. He didn't care what Willow thought,   
something was wrong. He was sure of it. And it had to be Spike. Spike must have her in   
some sort of thrall, commanding her. No wonder she threatened to end our friendship.  
  
"It's one small thing. It's just a thing. It's not a spell. And it is only to be used in dire   
situations." To Buffy, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. One never knew what   
kind of situations Dawn could get into. And Dawn had been so excited that she could   
summon Anya. It had kept her happy for a few days, which had been worth it.  
  
"I think it's good." Willow felt the need to speak up. It actually was a good plan and she   
was a little upset she hadn't ever thought of anything like it before. She could have   
taught Dawn a simple alarm spell, where Buffy would be alerted if something were   
wrong.   
  
"You do?" Buffy had thought Willow would be against it. Against any type of magic,   
especially when it was performed around her.  
  
"Yes. What if Dawn's on her own and something happens. If she needs help, then Anya   
can be there in a few seconds. She can either help her or go get help. It sounds like a   
great plan."  
  
"She still needs some training." Spike had taken everything in. Xander's hate that   
radiated off of him. He knew if he met up with Xander in an alley, he'd have to fight for   
his life. But Willow's small smiles towards him, let him know that she didn't share his   
feelings. And Willow was right; it was a good idea. Evil things could still come out   
during the day. But Dawn would still need to know how to defend herself. If he was   
helping Buffy train, it wouldn't take much more effort to teach Dawn some tricks.  
  
"Hey now, I helped Buffy with those earth monsters. And speaking of training, when do   
I get to go slaying?"  
  
"You can always use training. Even Buffy needs to train."  
  
"Do you want your letters or not?" Anya was tired. And cranky. And she needed to go   
shopping. She and Giles had a date Sunday. She was going to teleport over there for a   
nice Sunday picnic and she wanted to make sure she looked her best. And that called for   
a new outfit. And according to the law of the world, it always took forever to find the   
right outfit, when you had a short time to look.  
  
She saved Spike's letter till last. Everyone else was moving around the shop, trying to   
find a quiet alcove to read in. And that was what she had wanted. "Before I give you   
this, I have something I want to say. I don't like secrets. We saw what they did. It's   
better when everything is out in the open. I think you need to tell them."  
  
"Tell them what?"  
  
"About your soul," she whispered. She hated this secret business, she really did. And   
she had no clue why he would want to keep it a secret. Shouting it from the rooftops is   
what she imagined he would do. But he hadn't. "Tell Buffy."  
  
"In my own time I will."  
  
"I don't like this Spike. I'll keep quiet for a while longer. But not too long. Tell her, or I   
will. And I think she'd like it a lot more if it came from you."  
  
A part of him wanted to tell her. He did. But he also didn't want her feelings to change   
just because she knew about it. There was something building between them. It was a   
friendship. Friendship that in time could possibly become something more, but he didn't   
know if it could or not. He'd give it a chance though. And he didn't want to be treated   
differently by her, in the process of finding out. If she knew he had a soul, everything   
would change. And he needed to make sure of her actions and feelings without her   
knowledge of the soul.  
  
**************  
  
'Willow,  
  
'You've lost something very important: your way in life. You need to find it again. And   
once you do, you'll be fine. Just remember that you have friends who care about you.   
Who love you. Lean on them. Make Tara proud.'   
  
She couldn't go on after that. Tara. A minute didn't go by that she didn't think about her.   
And every time, she wanted to curl up and die. She didn't know who she was without   
Tara. Without magic. And now both were gone. Like Giles said, she was lost in life.   
  
She had relied on Giles a lot. Xander too. Now Giles was gone and she didn't recognize   
Xander. She wanted to be a better person, a better friend. But Xander seemed stuck in   
his own world, where he was the only one that mattered. She couldn't do that. Dwelling   
on herself too much brought about tears and hatred. She had to try and move forward, be   
a friend and supporter to those around her. And maybe in return, she could get that back.   
Friendship and support. She desperately needed it.  
  
  
**************  
  
Spike couldn't believe he'd gotten a letter. He actually warranted a goodbye of sorts. But   
it could also be a curse on him. Probably threats of stakes, holy water, and sunlight. He   
couldn't blame Giles though. If he were in Giles' position, he would never have entrusted   
Buffy to himself. Never. He knew what he was capable of and sometimes it scared him.  
  
But he'd been given a chance. A chance at something better. And neither knew about the   
soul. They actually believed that he could be better, do good without a soul. It reminded   
him of a time when Giles had expressed that maybe he had a greater purpose in life. He   
hadn't wanted that then. He had only been consumed with getting the chip out, becoming   
a monster again. Now he would embrace that. Now he could try and achieve a higher   
purpose; he could be useful.  
  
With trepidation, his finger slid beneath the flap of the envelope. As much as he hoped   
for words of wisdom and of teary goodbyes, he knew he wouldn't find it. Threats and   
curses were more likely. But he deserved it. If magic rained from the opening of the   
envelope, to curse him until he was dust, he would accept it. He didn't deserve anything   
more. He only hoped for more.  
  
'Spike,  
  
'You should receive a packet tomorrow by way of Anya. In it will be a credit card for job   
expenses. There should be numerous pages of what is allowed. Make sure you pay strict   
attention to it. If it says a certain type of athletic shoes are what is allowed for Buffy,   
then that is what they will pay for, nothing else. The trick is to buy that, then a few days   
later exchange it for whatever Buffy really wants, and pay the difference. You can   
charge her workout clothes and weapons on there as well. Also, buy the computer you   
will need. The specifications are listed and the software is in the packet. Any problems   
you have with it, ask Willow, but she is not to touch it. She can only answer your   
questions. The only two people that are allowed to have access are you and Buffy.   
  
'Instructions on how to gain access to the Council's online library are included. It is   
monitored, so make sure you use discretion in what you search for.  
  
'I'm entrusting in your care something much greater than council secrets. I'm entrusting   
you with Buffy. And Dawn, too. I never would have before, at least not without a hint of   
trepidation. But that fear is gone. I saw something last night between the two of you.   
Both of you obviously care a great deal about the other. And I don't think Buffy would   
want you gone. I think she would mourn you, as much as you mourned her.   
  
'I never thought I would see what I saw in her eyes last night. She used to look at the   
world with a vibrant outlook, a look of love for everything in it. Wanting to protect and   
fight for good. But along the way that was lost. However, a glimmer was back last night.   
And I do think it was you that put it there. She trusts you. Why, I don't know, nor will I   
ever begin to. But she does. And don't break it, because you might not ever get it back if   
you do.   
  
'Take care of her. She's the daughter I'll never have. She's my family. And if anything   
happens to her, and you could have prevented it, I will come after you. And I'm talking   
anything you could have averted. You could not have prevented what happened with   
Glory. You gave it your best. That's all I'm asking for. Do your best to take care of her.   
And Dawn. Willow too. I know you don't care much for Xander, but at times he can be   
useful. And Anya does have a lot of knowledge.   
  
'For some unknown reason I'm entrusting them all into your hands. Don't let me down. I   
know you probably expected harsher words from me, and I had intended to write them.   
But I truly believe that you might have a greater good in life. I think it just took you a   
long time to find it. Don't let me down. Don't let Buffy down.  
  
'Giles'  
  
**************  
  
Dawn read the second paragraph again. 'You're growing up and you want to be an adult.   
But there's still so much to learn. Don't be too quick to be an adult. Being an adult   
carries a lot of responsibility. Responsibilities that Buffy was not ready for. But she's   
slowly learning. And when the time is right, you'll learn too. Savor being young for   
once. It's what everyone wants for you. They want you to have the normal life they were   
denied.'  
  
She thought she finally knew what Giles was talking about. The weeks spent alone with   
Buffy had been good. She had realized all that Buffy did do: the laundry, the grocery   
shopping, paying bills, keeping the house clean. With mom, it had always seemed to get   
done by itself, like there was a fairy that did everything. But there weren't any fairies. It   
was just a very competent mother that had had years to perfect combining working,   
taking care of a house, and two daughters. And Buffy was learning.   
  
She was trying. Dawn could see that now. She could also see how she hadn't been a help   
and neither had Willow. Tara had kept it all together and when she had moved out, it fell   
apart. Tara knew how to do it all. It probably came from taking care of her own family.   
But Buffy would continue to get better with time.  
  
*************  
  
She stared at the envelope, unsure if she wanted to open it. Reading it would make it   
seem so much more real. Make it permanent. She had known he wasn't going to stay.   
But it hadn't occurred to her that he would leave this quickly. Had he made it known to   
anyone else? She didn't think so. Everyone seemed a little puzzled at his abrupt   
departure. Stealing herself against whatever he wrote, she slid her finger under the edge   
of the envelope.  
  
'Buffy,  
  
'I know it feels like I'm suddenly leaving you again. And I am. It feels that way for me   
too. But I don't know any other way. Last night I saw that I'd been replaced. My time   
was up. I was no longer your watcher. Or even a trusted friend. I don't know what I am   
anymore.  
  
'I'd like to think of myself as your surrogate father. But you don't need another one that   
merely runs off and leaves you without a word. I'd like to think that I'm not doing that. I   
am merely handing you over to someone else. Someone that you trust and rely on.   
Someone that can provide you with guidance and that I think you'll actually listen to once   
and a while. And yes, I am talking about Spike.  
  
'Something does seem different about him. He seems more grounded, stable. But   
underneath, I think he is still the same but with a purpose in life. And you give that to   
him.   
  
'I don't know all the details about what happened between you. Nor do I want to. You've   
grown up. And when you grow up, you must make decisions on your own and live with   
the consequences, whether they are good or bad. And this is one of those times. I really   
hope you only have good consequences out of your actions with Spike.  
  
'I want you to be happy Buffy. To find someone that makes you happy. Do I think it's a   
vampire? No. But I'm not the one making the decision. You are. And you alone know   
what makes you happy. Whatever you decide, I'll support you. And be here for you, if   
you need a shoulder.   
  
'Just remember to call if you need help. It's never wrong to ask for help. Otherwise, stay   
in touch. I'll send to Spike my email address and you can contact me that way. Please   
keep me abreast of all that happens. And above all else, be happy!  
  
'Giles'  
  
"Anything profound to say?"  
  
She glanced at Spike, seeing he held his own letter. After Anya had given her the letter,   
she hadn't paid attention to who else got one. She'd taken hers and escaped back into the   
training room. This was her space. Hers and Giles. Now, hers and Spike's. "Just to be   
happy. And ask for help if I need it."  
  
"And are you? Happy I mean."  
  
"I'm getting there. Days like today helped." Seeing the confusion on his face, she   
realized he didn't get what she meant. "Not Giles leaving. But us. We were just two   
people, without angry words, and in public. It was nice."  
  
"You're not helping me furnish the place."  
  
"I don't remember asking to. And besides, you are way to moody right now. You'd   
probably pick all black."  
  
"And you were way to perky. Reminded me of the bot."  
  
"Guess I tried too hard, huh? I'll make a note of that. Don't be too happy around Spike.   
Sorry, I just wanted to try and do it right. You know, if everything was happy, then   
maybe you'd give me a chance. Guess I blew it?"  
  
"No. Just be yourself. That's all I want. I want to get to know Buffy Anne Summers.   
The real you. Not the slayer, not the sister, just you."  
  
He's was getting a little too deep for her. Treading too close to that place of hers she   
wanted to hide from everyone. "Where's everyone else?"  
  
"Xander ran off, not even taking his letter. Willow read hers and then followed him.   
And Dawn is talking to Anya about shopping. I thought you might need a distraction.   
Take your mind off things. Want to train?" 


	13. Chapter 13

Blurry 13/?  
Author: Amanda  
Rating: PG, for now  
Distribution: Please ask. Previous chapters are up at fanfiction.net and B/S Central.  
Disclaimers: Not mine, it's all Joss'. I just try to play in his world.  
Feedback: All replies are read, cherished and given a good home.  
Summary: The summer after season 6. Spike's back with his soul and Willow has her   
powers binded by the Council. Anya is still a vengeance demon and Xander is still   
himself. Buffy has agreed to work for the council, so she no longer has to sling burgers   
and Spike is helping her out by training with her. Giles has gone back to England after   
leaving them all letters.  
  
**************  
  
"Why a poetry class?" Dawn couldn't understand it. First off, why would Buffy go back   
to school when she didn't have to? And secondly, why poetry? Why not something   
cool? Not that she could think of a cool class; they all seemed pretty boring to her. But it   
was college and there was bound to be some type of cool class there.  
  
"I like poetry. And besides there weren't that many choices to pick from."  
  
"So it's every morning?"  
  
"Monday through Friday for an hour and a half each day. I just hope it's somewhat   
interesting. If not, I'm killing Spike?"  
  
"Why Spike? It's not like he's teaching the class."  
  
"He just kind of told me to take the class. Or encouraged. Or something. I just know it's   
his fault if something goes wrong." Buffy couldn't even believe she was taking a class   
and she still wasn't sure why she was. Something about setting a good example for   
Dawn. She was pretty sure that her life was the example of what not to do and she   
shouldn't change that now. Somehow Spike had convinced her this was a good idea.  
  
"Spike wants you to go back to school? He actually encouraged it? Remind me to talk to   
him about a speech he gave me on automatons of our society that are produced from   
school."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Nothing, just something he said once. So that's it then? Slaying, training, and one class   
a day at the university?"  
  
"Community college. It's cheaper and I wasn't accepted back at SU. And no, I'm taking   
another class. But you can't laugh."  
  
"Why would I laugh?"  
  
"Because I know you, you're my sister, and you'll laugh."  
  
"I promise not to laugh. What is it?"  
  
"Drivers Ed." Buffy could see the laugh start in Dawn's eyes. They lit up, full of   
mischief. She remembered when Dawn was a baby, anytime she got happy, it was the   
eyes you could see it in first. "See, I knew you'd laugh."  
  
"No Buffy, I think it's great. It really is. But does this mean I don't get mom's car?"  
  
"Yes, that's what it means."  
  
"But I'm turning sixteen."  
  
"And I'm older than you. And I didn't get a car when I turned sixteen."  
  
"But you couldn't drive. I'm sure I'm a faster learner than you are."  
  
"When you can demonstrate the proper ability in handling a car, then I might be   
persuaded to allow you to borrow the car on occasion. And you're not sixteen yet.   
Which reminds me about your birthday. Anya wanted to throw you this big party. Is that   
something you want?"  
  
"It might be nice, but I wouldn't know who to invite."  
  
"All your friends."  
  
"I'm not like you Buffy, where I have all these friends. They look at me weird, like I'm   
some kind of freak. My sister's this crazy girl that people say is amazingly strong. And   
who blew up the high school. Then with Mom dying, everyone looks at me strange. It's   
like I radiate a vibe and people just want to stay away from me."  
  
She wanted to move over towards Dawn and stroke her hair. But they were older now.   
And problems didn't get solved for either one of them with a stroke of the hand.   
Problems were solved by moving on through them, paying bills and doing homework,   
like they were now. She wondered what Mom would say if she was here. Would she   
reassure Dawn that she was perfect the way she was? Would she have magical words of   
wisdom that would make everything better? Did that wisdom come with time or was it   
issued when you held your baby in your arms the first time? She didn't have either one.   
All she could do was try to be there for Dawn.   
  
"If they don't see how wonderful you are Dawnie, then they aren't worth being friends   
with. Any ideas about what you want to do?"  
  
"I saw this ad the other day. I thought it was too expensive, but it looked like it could be   
fun. It's a day at the spa. I could get my hair cut, maybe lightened; we could be   
pampered. Just the two of us. But it's probably still too expensive."  
  
"Let me see what I can do. I'll look into it."  
  
"Speaking of too expensive. I know you can't afford another car, but what if I buy it?   
Anya said I could work for her after school and on Saturday's, even during the school   
year. And she might even give me a raise. I can save all my money and buy a car. Can   
I?"  
  
"I don't know Dawn. That's an awful lot. And I don't know if I like you working while   
you're going to school. Saturday's okay, but during the week? I'll think about it though.   
We have the summer to try and figure things out."  
  
"You're the bestest sister."  
  
"Can I have that in writing, so when you hate my guts next week, I can bring it out?"  
  
"No. But I have another question. Why are you taking Drivers Ed? I thought you were   
going to sell the car."  
  
"Spike's fault again."  
  
"You've been spending a lot of time with him. Talking time, right?" She didn't want to   
pry. Well not much. But she wanted to know what was going on. She wanted to know if   
her big dream of them really being together could ever come true.  
  
"We haven't talked in a few days really, not since we found him an apartment. Just   
training and slaying. Don't read anything into it."  
  
"But still, that's good. Right? Or do you want more?"  
  
"It's okay. It's different. Not bad different, but not really good different either. I don't   
know any other way to explain it."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I guess I imagined some fairy tale, where we'd fight evil and then rush home to bed.   
We'd be happy, everyone would be happy. Nobody would hate anyone else. And I did   
not just say that to you."  
  
"I do know about sex. But taking things slow is good. At least that's what Mom used to   
say. You should be friends first before you rush into any relationship."  
  
"And Mom was right. It's just so backwards from what we had before. From anything   
I've had and I'm not sure how to deal with it."  
  
"Do you love him?"  
  
"Why are you asking that?"  
  
"You just seem so intent on working things out with him. On having a relationship. At   
least that's what it looks like to me."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Do you? You know he still loves you."  
  
"I don't know Dawn."  
  
"Is that what you're trying to figure out? Trying to see if it will work? Or what are you   
doing?"  
  
"I don't know if I can love anyone."  
  
**************  
  
Willow leaned back and looked up at the ceiling. She was bored. When Spike had   
suggested this, she had thought that she would have been doing all the work. Getting all   
tangled in wires and cords. Loading software on the computer. She would have been in   
heaven, she would have a purpose.  
  
But instead she was lying on his black leather couch and staring at the ceiling. Though it   
was a very comfortable position. And he did all the work. Quietly, without a single   
'bloody' out of his mouth. She didn't know what to think. Should she be scared,   
appalled, puzzled, pleased?  
  
Maybe she should use this time instead to figure things out. Time alone hadn't been easy   
to come by lately. Buffy had thought she needed to keep her company when she wasn't   
occupied with training or slaying. And when she was busy, Xander was around And he   
was moody and mean. He went on and on about Spike hanging around and how Buffy   
must be out of her mind to allow it. She knew that Buffy still hadn't told him about her   
deal with the council. And she wasn't about to do it, because she didn't want to have to   
listen to him. She'd let Buffy handle that.  
  
He still wouldn't read Giles' letter. Anya had it and was keeping it for him, but he refused   
to go and get it. And Anya refused to give it to anyone else. Willow didn't know what to   
do. A few nights ago, they'd sat on the couch and she thought he had had listened as she   
told him they needed to be better friends. But if he had listened, she didn't know where   
the words had disappeared too.  
  
"Got it."   
  
She sat up, grateful to have something to do besides run thoughts in her head. "Got   
what?"  
  
"Everything hooked up, software loaded. Ready to finally have some fun."  
  
"How do you know so much about computers?"  
  
"Who doesn't these days?"  
  
"Well you know, you didn't have one in your crypt or anything."  
  
"Internet cafes. And you can learn a lot from watching telly."  
  
"Oh. You just seem like Buffy. All with the fighty and stuff. And not worrying about   
this kind of stuff."  
  
"Are you saying Buffy and I aren't smart? That we're only good for fighting?"  
  
"No. That's not what I meant. It's just that she doesn't give much thought to those kind   
of things. Research, how computers work, you know. And I just assumed…."  
  
"Don't assume. And you don't give Buffy enough credit. She's a lot smarter than you lot   
think."  
  
"Well she did get astounding SAT scores."  
  
"See. But you never give her any credit. Pygmalion Theory."  
  
"What? Pygmalion by Shaw?"  
  
"Came out of that. If you have high expectations for others, they'll live up to them."  
  
**************  
  
Dawn didn't know what to say. Or how to react. She didn't think Buffy really meant she   
couldn't love anyone. She knew Buffy loved her. And Willow and Xander. Giles even.   
So what did she mean by her statement? "You love me. Don't you?"  
  
"Oh Dawnie, of course I do. But it's different, it's…." She didn't know how to explain it.   
She shouldn't have said anything; it just came out. And now it was all wrong. Dawn   
would hate her again. She had ruined the whole sisterly bonding afternoon. She could   
tell Dawn was upset with her by the way her lips tightly compressed together and her   
hands clenched at her side.   
And she could understand why Dawn would be upset. Spike was someone Dawn cared   
deeply about and she knew Dawn didn't want him to get hurt. The problem was that she   
didn't want that either. But she was afraid that she might be unable to avoid that.  
  
Dawn remembered when Buffy caught her with a vampire. She had said the situation   
was entirely different than her own had ever been. With Buffy everything was always   
different. Nothing was ever the same. Dawn thought she would have been used to it by   
now, but she wasn't. She didn't want to get upset. But she needed to understand. She   
needed to know why her sister was going to break Spike's heart again.   
  
Taking a deep breath, she tried to still herself against lashing out and saying the wrong   
thing. Instead she tried to break it down into something simple. Something Buffy could   
answer. "You don't think you can love Spike more than like a friend or a relative?"  
  
"Well no that's not it either."  
  
"Then what is it? Spike loves you. He loves you so much. You never saw how much he   
grieved while you were gone. But he never gave up, he kept on going." Dawn knew she   
had reached the end of her rope. She couldn't sit back and listen to Buffy in her calm   
voice, not when everything was falling apart again. She couldn't stand back and let it go   
to pieces. She was going to do something. What, she didn't know. But something. To   
curb her frustration, her need to lash at something, she got to her feet. They had been   
sitting together in the kitchen, but she couldn't sit still any longer. Instead she paced and   
tried to take her frustration out that way.  
  
"I have feelings for Spike. Deep feelings. But I don't know if they'll ever come close to   
what he feels."  
  
"Why not? How do you know? You loved Angel and Riley even? Why could you love   
them and not Spike?" Dawn knew her voice had risen. It was that screechy high pitched   
whiny voice. And she hated it. She hated herself for using it. But she couldn't stop   
herself. Things had been going along well. She wasn't so delusional to think that it was   
going to be that fairytale Buffy had imagined. But it hadn't occurred to her that Buffy   
might be using Spike again. Or that she really might not love him. She really had   
believed that things were going good. That everything would work out. That there   
would be some happiness, a sense of family even. Had she been naïve?  
  
"It's not that simple Dawn. It's complicated."  
  
"That's always the answer. 'Dawn, it's complicated.' It seems everything is complicated.   
And how am I ever going to learn anything if it's always complicated and I can't find   
out?"  
  
"You want to know why? Because there's something inside of me that died a long time   
ago. There's a part of me that slowly burnt out. And it's the part that loved. It was torn   
out of me with Angel and it never lit a spark with Riley."  
  
"So Angel's the cause of it all? I bet Spike would love that. Why does he always cause   
you so much pain, but you still hold onto him? He's some saint in your eyes, lifted up   
above everyone else. Angel left. Spike stayed. Isn't that enough for you?"  
  
"I know that Spike has stayed. As many times as he should have left because of how I   
treated him, he stayed. And I will always be grateful."   
  
"And what about Angel? Are you just going to pretend that he's not the bad one here?   
That he's not the one that's destroyed what you could have? Don't you think Spike   
deserves to know how you feel? Don't you think he should know what he's getting into?"  
  
"This isn't your concern. I never should have said anything anyway." She didn't want to   
deal with Dawn's words about Angel being the cause. To think about them, meant she   
would have to deal with them. Decide whether or not Dawn was right. Decide what she   
wanted to do about it, what it would change.  
  
"That's right. 'Dawn's too young to understand.' If it's not pretty pictures and flowers,   
then I don't get to know anything. You seem to forget all the things I've been through   
too, Buffy."  
  
"You want me to talk to you about it, when it doesn't concern you? You want me to talk   
to you about it, so you can run and tell Spike? You want me to talk to you about it, when   
I can't even put it in words or understand it myself?  
  
"I am aware of what Spike's feelings for me are. And I think he knows the problems that   
I have. And if anyone gets to discuss them with me, it's the ones involved. And that's not   
you. You want to be treated like an adult? You want people to confide in you? If so,   
listen to what you're told and keep your mouth shut. Don't butt in where you aren't   
wanted. That's being an adult, letting other people figure things out for themselves and   
just standing by their side while they do so."  
  
Buffy wanted to say more. She wanted to cry that life sucked and nothing made sense.   
She wanted someone to listen to her and tell her what to do to make it better. To tell her   
how to love someone. But she couldn't. She had to be the adult, the grownup. She had   
to figure it out for herself.  
  
Dawn look at her with accusing eyes. It was her fault that everything was a mess. Her   
fault that she couldn't give her an idyllic life.   
  
She couldn't take those eyes anymore. Pushing past Dawn, she made her way to the back   
door and wrenched it open. Slamming it behind her, she walked away from the house.  
  
**************  
  
"Why am I here anyway? You really don't seem like you need my help. You're all   
techno with the computer." Willow was bored. Here she was sitting on the couch, as   
Spike seemed to search internet sites. All that was furnished was the office. For some   
strange reason she couldn't comprehend, he didn't have a TV yet. And that meant that   
something had to be wrong with Spike.  
  
"Moral support."  
  
"In setting up and installing software. I don't think so. I think you know a lot more than   
you let on. It's not all from watching TV and surfing at internet cafes. What are you   
doing now?"  
  
"Looking for demons."  
  
"You do know that they don't normally hide in computers. Well expect for those   
computer viruses, they are a demon of sort. I bet they came from a vengeance wish."  
  
"Research. I'm trying to find this one that Buffy saw."  
  
"You couldn't find it in the books?"  
  
"No. It's bugging me. Something seems familiar about her description."  
  
"Do they really have a website for demons these days?"  
  
"It's the council. They have some records on file; I was just searching through their stuff.   
Of course, they could make it easier on a bloke and provide search engines."  
  
"So what's this demon do?"  
  
"Cover you in goo. Or so Buffy says. Haven't seen it. Actually no one has seen it except   
for her. And it's the only thing she's seen. It's been rather quiet."  
  
"That's good right? Makes it easy for the slaying."  
  
"No. It's bad. Quiet is never good when you're on the hellmouth."  
  
He had stopped searching. At least that's what it looked like from her perch on the couch.   
And he just sat reading. And shaking his head. Then the whir of the printer kicked on.  
  
"Any luck?"  
  
"Maybe. We'll know after we talk to Buffy. But if this is it, it just brings up more   
questions than answers." 


	14. Chapter 14

Blurry 14/?  
Author: Amanda  
Rating: PG or so. For now at least.  
Summary: You haven't read the first parts? Summer after season 6. Buffy is slaying for   
the council and for money. Spike's helping out. It's been very quiet on the Hellmouth,   
except for one demon. Spike's finally found information on the demon.  
Distribution: Please ask. Previous chapters are up at fanfiction.net and B/S Central.  
Disclaimers: I own nothing. Joss owns everything.  
Feedback: All replies are read, cherished and given a good home.  
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for the beta!  
  
**************  
  
  
Xander peeked in the front windows. The lights were on. The sign read open. But he   
didn't see any movement inside. She could be there. They all could. But did he want to   
risk it? The last time he set foot inside, he'd encountered two people… no they weren't   
people, two demons that he didn't want to see. Two demons that had wrecked his life.  
  
But standing outside The Magic Shoppe wasn't going to find Willow. And he didn't need   
to hide. He wasn't in the wrong. He wasn't a demon trying to live like humans.   
  
As he made his way inside, he took note of the craftsmanship. Whoever had done the   
rebuilding had done a good job. But then again, Anya would only have the best of   
anything, so it wasn't a wonder that everything was shiny and new. As he admired the   
woodwork on the display shelves, she appeared from a door behind the cash register. Her   
office, if he remembered correctly. It was where Spike and Giles had disappeared last   
week.  
  
"Have you seen Willow? She's not at my place. And there's no note."  
  
"She's probably still with Spike."  
  
It was the last place he had imagined Willow would be. Surely Anya was wrong. She   
had her information messed up or she was lying. "Spike? What's he doing, raping her   
too?"  
  
"I'm not dignifying that with a response. If you want to know what Willow is up to,   
you'll have to ask her yourself."  
  
"Why is Buffy keeping him around? And why did Giles leave here with Spike still on the   
scene?"  
  
The subject of Xander was pretty much closed between Anya and Buffy. Not for any big   
reason. More because Buffy knew that Anya didn't want to talk about him or hear about   
him. But she was aware that Buffy hadn't talked to him about the new developments.   
For a brief second she considered spilling herself. Even about Spike's soul. Not for any   
good reason, just because she wanted to see Xander's face. And because she was a   
demon. But she held her tongue. Spilling everything would result in Buffy being mad   
and she rather liked the friendship they had developed over the summer.   
  
Taking her keys out of her pocket, she opened the drawer under the cash register. She   
knew she had left it there, someplace safe, where no one else could grab it and take it to   
him. Giles had entrusted the letters in her care, to make sure that everyone got them.   
And she took that duty very seriously. "Here's your letter from Giles. Take it if you want   
it. If not, it will be here until you're ready to read it. But you never know, you might find   
some answers."  
  
"Maybe from Giles, but what about Buffy?"  
  
"Ask her. She'll probably tell you. Unless you go around accusing people of things   
without all the facts. You have a tendency to do that Xander."  
  
"Why do you hate me? I walked out on our wedding, but I came back."  
  
"You walked out Xander. You walked out without any explanations. You left me to tell   
everyone. You left me to deal with it all by myself."  
  
"But I came back." He thought she understood. It wasn't her. He had told her that.   
  
"And you think that solves everything. Just coming back. I was supposed to welcome   
you with open arms? The great Xander Harris, who thinks he can do no wrong. He came   
back for me so I was supposed to be happy? Get it through your head, the world doesn't   
revolve around you. We aren't your harem to command.   
  
"I don't hate you Xander. I don't really like you either. I have no feelings for you   
whatsoever. Except maybe gratefulness. I'm thankful to you for what you did. Because   
you showed me that I don't belong in your world. That I don't belong in the human   
world. Especially not with you."  
  
"That's it then. It's my fault that you became a demon. Everything is my fault?"  
  
"It's not your fault. It's just what happened. And sometimes the right things happen for   
the wrong reasons. I think this was one of them. I was never meant to be human. Not   
forever. I learned so much. Emotions, feelings that I will always carry with me. But that   
life wasn't Anyanka."  
  
"And this one is?"  
  
"Yes it is. I'm running a shop. Maybe doling out vengeance wishes on the side. But the   
real me is running an after hours shop for other demons. And I have friends. Weird,   
mixed-up friends. A slayer, a key, and a vampire. Even a watcher. That's me. It's not   
simple or cut and dried. It's just Anyanka.  
  
"Here's the letter. Read it. It might answer some questions you have. Or it might prompt   
more. I'll be in my office if you need me."  
  
**************  
  
He ran, the blanket over his head shielding him from the early evening sun. He probably   
could have waited. But he hadn't wanted to. And to be truthful, he knew this was Buffy's   
demon. With her confirmation, research would follow. Questions would be raised. And   
he was afraid of what the answers could be. If they found any answers.  
  
He was hoping the back door was unlocked. If not, there wasn't much to protect him   
unlike the front porch. But it was closer. And he really did like the entrance he created   
by running into the kitchen, blanket slightly smoking. And usually it was an entrance.   
Buffy and Dawn seemed to congregate more in the kitchen than in the living room, so   
they were on hand to witness many superman entrances, blanket flying behind him as he   
raced inside out of the reaching fingers of the streaming sun.   
  
As his feet raced up the steps and his hand reached up to try the door, he slightly   
registered the legs of in his view. Barreling into the kitchen, he realized it was a person   
that he had passed by as her voice reached his ears.  
  
"Spike? Why are you here?"   
  
The volume grew as she moved behind him into the kitchen, shutting the door softly   
behind her. It wasn't the loud, harsh angry noise that he usually made as he always gave   
the door a firm shove to tightly close it.   
  
"I needed to see you about something. I didn't think…." His voice trailed off as he took   
in her appearance. To anyone else, she would have looked normal. Jeans, shirt, bare feet   
with bright pink toes. But to him, her eyes looked sad. Melancholy. In the past week,   
her eyes had life in them. A vibrancy, a sparkle like when he'd first met her. But now it   
was gone. Now her eyes were just dead pools of limp moss, with red seaweed lingering   
on the edges. "Have you been crying?"  
  
She wiped at her face. She thought the tears were gone. How could he tell? And why   
was she asking herself that. It was Spike, he could always tell. "What? No, it's nothing.   
Well maybe not nothing."  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"I don't know. Dawn and I got to talking. Then yelling. And she brought up some valid   
points. Things I just didn't want to think about."  
  
"If you need to talk about anything, let me know." He didn't want to push. Or pry. And   
he didn't want to send false messages. But he couldn't stand right in front of her and   
watch her be unhappy. Whatever happened between them, he would love her. And he   
couldn't stand to see her in pain, either over a paper cut or something more dire.  
  
"I will. Maybe it's something I need to figure out on my own first. But then again…   
What if, what if this doesn't work?"  
  
She'd lost him. He was an intelligent guy, vamp or whatever. But it took a bloody genius   
to sometimes follow her. She could jump from one thing to another.   
  
"You. Me. Maybe you were right. Maybe we should just be friends. But is it wrong to   
want something more in my life? But what if I can't have it? What if I can't give it to   
you?"  
  
It was them. That's what was causing her pain. Not them, but the obstacles they faced.   
And he knew where she was coming from. He was petrified. Scared of what could go   
wrong. They could take a wrong turn and end up back where they were before. And this   
time they might not even come out of it as friends. And he wasn't sure he could give her   
the answers she was seeking, because he wasn't quite sure of anything himself. "I'm the   
wrong one to ask pet. For years I wanted something unattainable."  
  
"And now you could have it. All of it."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You love me don't you? And I don't mean love me, love me. I mean with all your   
heart, till the end of the world, nothing will ever stop it love me. Some huge love." She   
thought she might turn blue from holding her breath, waiting for his answer. Deep down   
inside, she knew the answers. But she still couldn't believe it sometimes. Couldn't   
believe that someone could love her so much and actually stay around. Not leave. Well   
except for a few weeks. But he'd come back. And he had every intention of staying for   
as long as she wanted him too. And she wanted him to stay. She needed it. But his   
feelings, his huge love scared her. Scared her more than anything she'd ever faced, Glory   
or the Master. It was something she didn't think she could ever conquer.  
  
"Always."  
  
"What if I can't do that? What if I can't love you like that? I mean I have feelings for   
you. Feelings beyond friendship. But what if what you feel can't be returned? What   
then?"  
  
He didn't know how to answer. More than anything, he wanted her love. A deep   
everlasting love. Something that would transcend time, that would bind them together   
forever. But he'd come to the conclusion that he might never get it, that he really wasn't   
even worthy of it. And that had taken time, a sojourn to Africa and a soul. He couldn't   
tell her that.   
  
He'd found it in himself to remember the good times they'd had. Cherish them, keep   
them close to himself where he could draw upon them. Late at night, he could take them   
out, play with them. Take the ending and twist it so that she didn't beat him up in an   
alley, she listened to him and thanked him for looking out for her. Shape things so that   
they were happy in an imaginary world, so that dreams were exquisite. But he couldn't   
tell her that.  
  
He could tell her to be happy. That was all he wanted. When she was happy, he was   
happy. It really was that simple. Though he was also happy in her embrace, buried deep   
within her body, her heat surrounding him. But those were memories he could take out   
and reminisce about at night.  
  
"When were you the happiest in the last year?"  
  
At first she thought it might take a while for her to come up with an answer. But it didn't.   
It just came to her. And she was happiest then, there was no doubt about it. "We were   
fighting together, side by side. I was looking out for Dawn. Everyone was friends and I   
was in charge. But then again, I did have amnesia."  
  
"That was a good time. Well, for some of us."  
  
"Didn't like wandering around in your little tweed suit? Foreshadowed this watcher job   
Randy."  
  
"Joan. Such a boring name for a boring girl."  
  
"Hey, I like Joan, Randy."  
  
"It wasn't that bad a day. I actually felt like part of the gang."  
  
"You are part of the gang."  
  
"Not really."  
  
"I'm their leader. So if I say you are a member, then you are. And besides, what good   
would I be as a leader if I didn't allow a vampire, on a mission of redemption to help me   
fight the evil in the world."  
  
"We were a good team."  
  
"We still are."  
  
"And no matter what happens, we'll make sure we will always be. If we just believe that   
Buffy, we can make this work. Whether it's fighting partners or more. That's why the   
friendship has to come first."  
  
"You've gotten smart in your old age."  
  
"I'll have you know that I am very young. Well compared to some. And I keep up with   
all the latest fashions, unlike some vampires. I can even work a computer and the   
internet."  
  
"I thought Willow was with you. Helping you set up your new computer."  
  
"She was, but she's looking for Anya. And Xander too. She's getting dinner, so we can   
all eat here."  
  
"Dinner's good. It'll be nice to have everyone around for dinner. Haven't don't that in a   
while."  
  
"But that's not why I'm here. Not the main reason. And not for the talk either, not that I   
don't care how you're feeling, cause I do. But I came by for another reason. I think we   
found your monster. This him?"  
  
**************  
  
He could walk out right now. Leave the letter on the table. Or take it with him and burn   
it. He didn't have to read it. He didn't have to read how one other person thought he was   
a screw up. But his fingers itched. His eyes burned to trace the letters on the paper, to   
find out what Giles said. To see what he felt was important to leave him with. Would it   
be words of wisdom? Or sentences of disgust? Everyone else seemed to be disgusted   
with him. Even Willow.  
  
But he was right. Wasn't he? Demons were bad. That's what they said. Vampires were   
soulless creatures who you staked. You weren't friends with them. You didn't converse   
with them. It was what he'd been taught. Angel was the exception. One he could   
somewhat overlook. But he was still a vampire. He was the only one who never forgot   
that. Everyone else did and Ms. Calendar had died. He was right, they were wrong.   
Why couldn't they see that?  
  
Anya had flipped the sign, so that the outside world could see the shop had closed. And   
she'd disappeared back into her office, leaving him alone. His fingers moved by their   
own choice, sliding under the flap of the envelope, drawing the letter out.   
  
'Xander,  
  
'You've been an adult out in the world longer than the rest of them. You found your way.   
You rose out of the basement, literally and figuratively. Jobs were taken, as you searched   
for your niche. And you found it. You found what you excelled at. You found your   
calling. And you did it on your own. The rest of them will have to do it on their own.   
But I ask that you be there beside them. Catch them as they fall, as they take stupid jobs,   
like Buffy's at the Doublemeat. Support them as they find their own niche. That's all you   
can do is support them.  
  
'I know you don't agree with some of the decisions that you're friends have made in their   
lives. They might not agree with some of the choices you've made either. But they've   
stuck by you. They've supported you. That's what friends do. You stick by them,   
support them. Let them make their own choices, even if you think they're bad ones. Just   
be there if they do fail, but don't say you were right. Nobody wants their nose rubbed in   
their mistakes.   
  
'Talk to Buffy. Listen to her. And I mean listen. She knows her duty in life and what   
she might face one day. We could never comprehend it. If she wants some joy, for all   
the heartache and pain that comes her way, who are we to begrudge her that? Don't you   
think she deserves it, just like you do? She's not your property. She's just a girl that has   
to save the world a lot. And she can be a great friend. Be her friend, Xander. Let her   
make her choices and support her as she makes them. You don't have to approve. You   
just have to stand by her side. Just like you've stood by Willow over the past month.  
  
'I leave them in your care. I know you'll find it in yourself to do the right thing. It may   
take time. It may take many failures, but I have the confidence in you.  
  
'Rupert Giles'  
  
He folded the letter back up. He didn't want to think about the contents right now. He   
didn't want to think how maybe Giles was right. How maybe Willow was right, he might   
not have been a good friend. Distraction was what he needed. Something to take his   
mind off of this.   
  
A knock at the door provided him with the distraction he needed. Crossing over, he   
opened it, ushering Willow inside.  
  
"I'm glad I found you. You weren't answering your cell, so I didn't know where you   
were."  
  
"It's in the car. What's up?"  
  
"Dinner at Buffy's. I have to pick up food on the way over."  
  
"A Scooby gang dinner? The three of us and Dawn?"  
  
"Spike and Anya too. Anya's here right?"  
  
  
**************  
  
Buffy settled back into the couch, bringing her feet up beside her. Settling in, getting   
comfortable. Eyes roamed the picture, making sure all the details were the same. "It's   
him. Or her. Do they have sexes? Right down to the horrid hair color. But you could   
have told me later that you found him."  
  
"We've got a problem."  
  
"What? There must be information about what they want, or if they are really dangerous.   
We just defeat them, save the world." It seemed simple to her, not really a problem. It   
was just another demon. You find out what they are, what they wanted, you kill them.   
That was the way it worked.  
  
"Small problem when they're extinct." He waited for her reaction. Would she be as   
worried as he was? Would it occur to her that something big had to be going on if extinct   
demons were walking around. Her brow wrinkled and he could see her mentally try to   
process the world, try to figure out what he meant.  
  
"Extinct? What do you mean?"  
  
"Dead. The species is no longer alive."  
  
"I know what extinct means. But they're not. I've seen at least half a dozen of them in   
the last few weeks. And nothing else is out there to cloud my memory. They're not   
extinct."  
  
"Well everyone believes they are."  
  
"It's just a typo or something. Or there weren't that many last year. And who keeps track   
of extinct demons anyway?"  
  
"It's not a typo. And the council is who keeps track. The last time anyone saw them was   
in 1893. I don't think it's a case of none were seen last year. None have been seen for   
over a hundred years."  
  
"But this is it. I know it. Every detail is the same. You believe me right?" She wasn't   
going crazy again. She knew it, and he had to believe it. She wasn't sure she could   
handle another Buffy crazy scenario for at least a few years.  
  
"I believe you."  
  
"But what does this mean? How can this be?" She couldn't wrap her brain around it.   
Dinosaurs were extinct, not demons she encountered on nightly patrols.   
  
"That's the question. One that we're going to have to research. I don't know why this   
demon has suddenly showed up now, or what it means, but I'm sure it's the end of the   
world or something as equally bad." 


	15. Chapter 15

Blurry 15/?  
Author: Amanda  
Rating: PG-13, for now  
Summary: Sets place in the summer after Season 6. Willow went with Xander and Giles   
to London for a little while, but is back to stay. Giles and Anya have started a   
transcontinental relationship – she teleports over to see him. Dawn's in summer school.   
And Buffy has agreed to accept help from the council, both in monetary from and by   
having Spike help her out. In the last chapter, Spike told Buffy that the demons she'd   
been killing around town were extinct and it probably meant it was the end of the world.  
Distribution: Please ask. All previous chapters are at   
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=230408 (at least for now) and   
http://cgi.carnal-sins.net/bscentral/profiles.php?uid=58  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home.   
  
A/N: Many, many thanks to Mezz for helping in pointing out the many changes that   
needed to be made in this chapter.  
A/N2: I meant to have this out earlier. Yes I am aware that it has been a month. But I   
was in a funk. And my characters weren't talking to me. And I needed some help from   
them before I could continue. However, I believe I am out of my funk and we shall   
continue as fast as they communicate with me. Starting next week, Monday afternoons   
and evenings have been blocked out specifically for fic writing, so that I can avoid the   
temptation of the wildfeed.  
  
**************  
  
Giles didn't know how it had started. Just one night, she'd woken him up. He'd been in   
his room sleeping. And then she was there, looking for someone to talk to. She said she   
hadn't known where else to turn. That she and Buffy were talking now, but she didn't   
want to burden Buffy with her problems. Buffy had too many to deal with already.  
  
She had talked about the cries she felt. Cries for vengeance. But how she had no   
inclination to answer them. And she was lost. She didn't know what to do, where to turn.   
So she'd come to him. And he'd sat and listened.  
  
A few nights later, it had happened again. She had appeared. But this time with a   
different hair color. It was darker; the way he loved it. When he had complimented her,   
she'd jokingly said that Buffy had said 'She was the only blonde of the group. And it   
should stay that way.'   
  
And now it had become a ritual. Every night after she got finished with her work, she'd   
pop in and see him. It was so much easier without trying to hide it. He'd warm up left   
over curry for her and he'd have a glass of brandy while they talked about their days. It   
didn't matter about the hours. It was so much easier keeping your own hours, when all   
you did was research and translations.  
  
Though he couldn't forget about the outing he had coming up. Taking a bunch of young   
watchers out on a vampire hunting expedition should be interesting. He was sure that   
none of them would be full of quips or try to light them on fire. No, this would be a   
straight on hunt and stake. The fun was reserved for his other group.  
  
"I know I'm early, but I can't stay."   
  
Anya's voice brought him out of his musings. And the joy he felt when he saw her   
slowly faded as her words came to rest on his mind.  
  
***************  
  
  
Buffy opened the door, grimacing at Xander and Willow on the other side as she   
continued her phone conversation. "No, I promise. The check is in the mail. I am sorry   
for the delay. But I am gainfully employed now and there should be no problems. You   
should have it by tomorrow. And if you don't, please call back."  
  
Hanging up, she motioned them inside. "Did you bring dinner? Cause I've been a little   
occupied this afternoon and haven't had time to cook."  
  
"You cook?" Xander asked surprised. So many things had seemed to change in the short   
weeks he was gone. Buffy hadn't cooked before. The only time he remembered her   
cooking was that Thanksgiving. The one he didn't want to think about, because of   
diseases, Anya, and a certain vampire that showed up.  
  
"We have to eat somehow. And leaving Dawn in charge is not good. Trust me, you don't   
want to try some of her concoctions. And besides, no more Doublemeat burgers, because   
no more job."  
  
Xander looked at her puzzled. "But I thought you just said you were working."  
  
"I am."  
  
Anything else she was going to say on that matter was cut off as Xander's eyes were   
drawn to the stairs. Dawn descended, with Spike behind her. Luckily, he had been able   
to coerce her out of her bedroom. But she wished that maybe they hadn't made the big   
entrance.   
  
"What's he doing here?" He had known he was going to be there. Willow had told him.   
But he hadn't really believed it. Or had wanted to believe it. And now it or he was   
staring him in the face. Making him believe it. Spike was welcome in Buffy's house.   
Spike was welcome to be around Dawn. Spike was welcome to do anything he wanted   
to, cause any damage he could. And he, Xander was the only one who cared, the only   
one who remembered what he really was.  
  
Spike nudged Dawn along, down the stairs. He had found her curled up on her bed.   
Earphones to her ears, music blasting. Which was probably why she hadn't listened to   
Buffy's pleas to open the door and talk to her. But he didn't ask. He just jimmied the   
lock and walked on in, letting Buffy know he'd get her down for dinner. "Did you get   
dinner?"  
  
"Lots of yummy goodness. And here's your change." Willow dug the money out of her   
pocket, keeping an eye on Xander at the same time. He had been quiet on the way over,   
just looking like he was concentrating on driving. And she had hoped he had been trying   
to find his inner self, to try and channel some peacefulness. But apparently not. His   
hatred of Spike was still there and being in Buffy's house wasn't going to abate it.  
  
More things were unraveling in Xander's head. More things to cope with. It wasn't just   
Spike willingly accepted by everyone, it was not Spike supplying the food. That wasn't   
Spike's job. It was his. That's what he was for. He bought donuts and pizza. And now   
he didn't have that job anymore. "I thought you were buying dinner Willow."  
  
"I was. Just with Spike's money."  
  
"Robbing school children of their lunch money?" Xander could hear the nastiness in his   
voice, but he hadn't been able to help himself. All his reflections about thinking over   
what Willow had said about trying to be a good friend. What Giles had pointed out in his   
letter. It was still there, but he couldn't do that now. It wasn't in him to be this person   
that swept it all away. And why couldn't they understand that? Why couldn't they see   
that someone had to protect them and he was the only one left to do it.  
  
Buffy could see carnage was about to be shed. And she'd just vacuumed the carpets.   
  
"Xander. Back porch now. Spike, please set the table. Willow, help him out. And   
Dawn, homework."  
  
"Why do I have to set the table?"   
  
Buffy could imagine the pout on Spike's face, that went along with his whine. But she   
wasn't going to turn around and look. Giving into his pouts had led to grass stains on the   
back of her favorite jacket. Though she was sure grass stains weren't going to happen   
now, she still knew he could tempt her to change her mind.  
  
"If you'd rather switch with Dawn and cleanup, that's fine. But do something."  
  
"I don't think she's in a good mood." Buffy heard Willow remark to Spike as she   
followed Xander out the back door.  
  
"Had a bit of a shock this afternoon I think. Lots of things on her mind. Where does   
Buffy keep the placemats?"  
  
Buffy could hear cabinets being opened, as she closed the back door and faced Xander.   
Suddenly she wished she was anywhere else but where she was. Anything would be   
easier than this.  
  
***************  
  
"I got your favorite from Rajpoot, Chicken Rajastani." He wasn't sure if it was meant as   
a plea for her to stay or if he was just stating the facts. This dating thing, if that's what it   
was, wasn't easy. Especially when you lived halfway around the world from each other.   
Granted it was definitely a lot easier than having to pay for a flight and going through   
customs. But the time difference of eight hours wasn't easy on them.   
  
It was nice staying in, eating takeout. Just talking or watching movies. But he wanted to   
take Anya out. Dinner in a nice secluded restaurant, while they held hands and the   
candles flickered across her face. Maybe take in a play or some music. However she   
couldn't do that, without arousing suspicions. And she wasn't ready to let anyone else   
know right now. And neither was he.   
  
He could understand what the allure was, having a secret relationship. Just the two of   
you, where you didn't have to share the other with anyone else. And he wasn't ready to   
face the questions. So for now, secluded times together were what they had.  
  
She didn't want to give up there time together, but she knew she had to. She'd come to   
rely on Giles. He understood her. Her fears, her indecision about her life. She knew she   
had appeared calm to Xander earlier, that her life was on the right track and she was   
happy with it. But she had fears. Fears that only Giles knew. "Can it keep until   
tomorrow? Spike called a meeting."  
  
"How's that working out?"  
  
"Well I haven't been yet. But I'm sure it'll be interesting. Xander will be there and I don't   
think Buffy's told him anything yet."  
  
"I meant Spike. Is he helping Buffy? Are they fighting? I haven't heard anything, from   
either them or the council." He sat down in the cushiony chair by the fireplace. Only   
hours before he had sat there, with Anya curled in his arms sleeping. And now, he just   
wanted to feel closer to her again without appearing needy.  
  
"I guess it's okay. He got his computer set up today. That's why I'm needed. Willow   
was sent to get me. Something about research and Spike could especially use my help."  
  
"Then you should go. Get changed and help him. It will do you good." And he knew it   
would do her good. Beneath the strong exterior that Anya showed the world, was a   
needy girl. A girl that had so much to offer. And he couldn't hide her away forever.   
  
She crossed over to him, kneeling on the ground by his feet. Her hand reached for his   
face. She remembered describing him once as ruggedly handsome. Now she could add   
sexy. And she didn't want to leave her sexy man. "I'd rather be with you."  
  
  
**************  
  
"Why's he here? In your house?"  
  
Buffy took a deep breath in. There was a reason she'd avoided talking to Xander. And   
this was it. She knew she couldn't make him understand. There wasn't anything she   
could say that would enable him to understand. And she understood that. If she was   
standing in his place, she'd probably be the same way. It was crazy letting Spike back   
into her house, into her life. But she had to do it. He was a part of her life. A part of her.   
A big part. "I thought I went over this. Spike's my friend. Just like you're my friend.   
And my friends are welcome in my house."  
  
"But Buffy, he raped you." Xander couldn't understand. He knew Giles wanted him to   
stand beside Buffy and support him. But in his conscience he just didn't think he could do   
that. He loved her. Really loved her. And even though he knew he would never have a   
chance with her, he wasn't going to allow anyone or anything to destroy her. And that's   
what he saw happening. Spike would ultimately destroy her.  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you that he did not rape me? And it's my life. Why   
can't we just get along?" She knew they could hear her in the house. With her voice as   
loud as it was, probably all the neighbors could hear her. But this was her life and she   
was done with other people running it. She had control back, she was driving.  
  
"You want me to get along with him? He slept with Anya. He used you."  
  
"Xander, listen to yourself. You and Anya were over. She owed nothing to you. And   
Spike didn't use me. This is my life. I've never told you how to live yours."  
  
"And what about when he hurts you. You know what happened."  
  
She did know what happened. She lived it. She had lived it, not anyone else. And they   
couldn't understand. They could never understand.   
  
Xander looked at her like she was supposed to just give in to him. That he knew what   
was right. But he didn't live inside her body, inside her heart. He didn't know how it   
ached for someone. How she needed someone who understood her, someone to stand   
beside her. And that was Spike. Whether friends or lovers, he knew her better than   
anyone else. He always had. And she couldn't throw that away.   
  
Xander had Willow. Willow had Xander. Yes, they were her best friends, but they   
understood each other. She never understood them the way they got the other. And they   
never got her. They hadn't stood a day in her shoes. But Spike got her. And she needed   
it. The way Xander needed Willow and vice versa, she needed Spike.  
  
"If Spike ever hurts me, Ii he ever leaves, then I'll have my friends to help me pick up the   
pieces. But until then, I'm making my own decisions. I just don't want to lose you over   
this."  
  
He didn't want to give in. But he did. The fight wasn't over, it hadn't left him. But he'd   
strategically retreated. One day soon he'd plead his case. Spike would trip up. He would   
fail. And Xander would be there to rush in and show Buffy that demons couldn't change.   
That Spike wasn't needed in her life, she was better off without him. But until then, he'd   
try to stand by her. And he knew that it would be hard.  
  
"I don't like it Buffy. Not at all. But I'm not turning my back on you, someone has to   
keep an eye on him. I'm just glad he still has that chip so that he can't hurt you."  
  
**************  
  
"What are you doing?" Dawn stared at Spike in equal parts of horror and fascination.   
And she wasn't quite sure which one she was supposed to feel.  
  
"Eating."  
  
"But what is that? Is that blood? Are you dipping your chicken in blood?"  
  
"You're dipping yours in honey mustard sauce."  
  
"But it's blood."  
  
"Pretend it's ketchup."  
  
"Dawn, leave Spike alone and eat. Willow, when did Anya say she'd be here?" Buffy   
brought her fingers to her head and started to massage her temples. They were giving her   
a headache. Every single one of them. What had started as a nice quiet afternoon had   
turned into a three ring circus. And she knew it would be hours before she could get   
some time alone.  
  
"Why are we really here anyway?" Xander had to physically bite his tongue to stop the   
other question he wanted to ask. 'Just to eat a nice meal with a rapist?'  
  
"Research. Or information. We need to try and figure out this demon. Or whatever   
we're dealing with. And when Anya gets here, she and Spike can let us know everything.   
Then we can formulate a plan."  
  
"Research usually involves books. I can go to shop and search there. Leave you all alone   
with your dinner." Xander didn't want to. He knew he needed to stay, keep an eye on   
things. But he didn't think he could sit still another minute and watch Spike as he   
casually ate chicken like he belonged in this house.  
  
"They're not there." She knew Xander didn't want to be here. And he was looking for   
anyway to escape. Why she didn't let him go was beyond her. But for some insane   
reason she wanted all her friends together.  
  
"Well, where are they?"  
  
"Spike's."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
She knew she was running. It wasn't like he was her parent and she should be afraid of   
telling him the truth. But she just couldn't do it. She couldn't tell him about Spike   
helping her out. He was having enough of a problem dealing with the fact that she   
wanted Spike in her life. And he only knew about the friend part.   
  
Everyone's eyes were on her, waiting to see what she would do next. And she waited,   
hoping someone would take over for her, spill the beans. Spike would have done it   
before. He would have been willing to tell Xander everything. But not now. Not since   
he'd come back from Africa. He had changed, looking to her to set the rules, the   
guidelines. At least for the most part. And now that she wished he would just blurt   
everything out, he was keeping letting her keep it a secret.  
  
It wasn't right of her putting this off. She knew that. And she knew Willow was put in   
the awkward position of having to lie to Xander or not answer any questions. But she   
just couldn't deal with him now. "We took the research material out of the shop. Too   
many demons know where I live, so Spike's new place seemed like a good place to put   
them. And there isn't a table at Spike's yet, so we have to research here. Except without   
the books."   
  
She gave into the look in his eye: the look that said he would rather be in hell than   
sharing a table with Spike. And with Anya on the way, she was sure it wasn't going to   
get any better. "If you want to go Xander, go. I can make sure Willow gets home okay."  
  
H wanted to go, he really did. It would be easy to walk out the door, not have to deal   
with everything. But Buffy was his friend. And you looked out for your friends if they   
were in trouble. "It's not like he can hurt you, if I'm not around to protect you. Willy   
wannabite doesn't want a headache."  
  
"Actually…." Spike had let Buffy reveal what she was comfortable with. And truthfully,   
he was glad she hadn't told Harris everything yet. He couldn't fight back. Either   
physically or mentally. Most of the time, he was just holding on, getting through it all   
because he was being relied on. And he hadn't wanted to deal with Xander anymore than   
Buffy did. But she couldn't keep this from them. He was surprised it hadn't come out   
before. That it hadn't been questioned how he had attacked Buffy before.  
  
"Spike." Buffy wanted to stop him. They didn't need to know. All it would do was stir   
up controversy. And probably not just with Xander. Willow would get upset. And that   
night in the bathroom would be brought up. This wasn't needed tonight. Or ever really.   
It was none of their business.  
  
Xander could tell from the look Buffy was shooting Spike, urging him to stay quiet, that   
she was hiding something. Something with his chip. He steadied himself in his chair,   
ready to run and grab a stake. Ready to do what needed to be done. "No, I want to know   
what he was going to say. Did you get the chip out? Are you just biding your time,   
waiting for the right opportunity to kill us all?"  
  
"Trust me, I would never kill you. I wouldn't touch your blood with a ten foot pole."   
Spike waited. Waited for Xander to rush him. Waited to get everything out in the open.   
At least everyone else's secrets.  
  
"Enough." This wasn't the way she had imagined dinner going. And she must have been   
living in delusionalville to think it would have gone any other way.  
  
"So you're admitting you did get the chip out." How many steps would it take to reach   
the weapons chest? He was closer, but Xander didn't know if he could reach it ahead of   
Spike. But he would try.  
  
"I never said that."  
  
"But I don't have any proof that you still have the chip. Is that how you were able to…."   
Xander could see Buffy sitting on the ground, a bruise on her thigh. A bruise that should   
have triggered a migraine.  
  
"I said enough. For the record, Spike still has his chip." She hoped this was the end of   
the conversation, but she could tell from set of Spike's head that it wasn't. He was going   
to make her tell. There was another time he had told her she needed to be straight with   
her friends. But she hadn't and things had fallen apart then. She didn't want things to fall   
apart now.   
  
"You really need to tell them Buffy." She needed to stop protecting them. Willow. Even   
herself. It was all going to come out sooner or later. And he would rather it came out   
now when he knew Buffy was around to prevent Xander from killing him.   
  
"Are you covering for him? Lying for him?" Xander knew she was hiding something.   
He could see it in her eyes. She'd hidden things from them before, why should now be   
any different? But he wasn't going to stand by and allow Spike to drain Buffy. He wasn't   
going to watch another friend die.  
  
Buffy steeled herself against the onslaught of questions and recriminations she was sure   
to come with this revelation. If she had her choice, she'd never tell them. It wasn't their   
business, it was hers. Hers and Spike's. But she knew that if she didn't tell them, he   
would. And he would bugger it all up, or something like that. "I am not lying. Spike   
still has his chip, it just doesn't work on me."  
  
"Am I late? Or did I arrive just in time?" Anya looked around the room. No one seemed   
to notice her. Xander's jaw was ticking, his body tensed like he was ready to fight.   
Dawn and Willow seemed fixated on Buffy, waiting for her to say something. And Spike   
just slouched in his chair, his eyes holding Buffy's. And Buffy, she sat there lost in her   
own world.  
  
**************  
  
"Maybe the technology is whacky. Maybe it just shorts out around Buffy." Even to her   
own ears it felt like a lame excuse. But Willow didn't want a fight. Things were going   
good. Or somewhat good.   
  
Buffy kept one eye on Xander while searching for what to tell Willow. She was afraid   
this would hit her the hardest. "It's not a glitch. I'm the only one the chip doesn't work   
on. Just me."   
  
She rose from her seat and went to stand behind Spike. What was going to happen, she   
didn't know. But she wanted to be prepared. "I want everyone to listen to me. Listen   
before you do anything or say anything that you'll regret later on." Everyone nodded as   
Anya slipped into the chair that Buffy had abandoned.   
  
"In November Spike realized that he could hit and the chip didn't work. He thought   
maybe it had gone kerplooey. So he tested it out. Talked himself up into attacking   
someone." She was glad she had gotten the whole story from him one night. Without all   
the facts, she would have been lost in what to tell them.  
  
"But as always, Spike got a headache. It wasn't him. It was me." She decided to skip all   
the in-between stuff. For one, her sister was in the room and didn't need to know about   
the house falling down. And two, she knew Spike didn't want to relive 'her coming back   
wrong,' anymore than she did.  
  
They sat in stunned silence for a minute before Willow's sobs broke the silence. Buffy   
didn't know if it was the mention of Tara or the reference to her magic and the   
consequences it wrecked that made her cry. Probably both. And she didn't know what to   
say to her to make it better. Yes it was okay now, she was okay now. But she hadn't   
been. She'd held it in, lashed out at Spike over it.   
  
But Buffy was saved from trying to figure out what to say or do as Willow took off. And   
Xander took it out of her hands of whether or not she should follow her, by going after   
her himself.  
  
**************  
  
Her head was pounding now. It wasn't just the sharp pains in her temples. No, it was her   
whole head and she could feel her shoulders begin to tense up. Her talk with Xander, the   
chip revelation, Anya popping into the house all contributed to her massive headache.   
And Spike and Anya questioning her and conferring about these extinct demons wasn't   
helping any.  
  
Then of course there were the descriptions of what the demons were used for. And   
finding out that she was impervious to their acid spewing liquid that normally burnt   
humans. It seemed it was just another quirk of her resurrection. Another research   
project. But now she had to answer Spike about what she did when she encountered   
them.  
  
"Well I killed them. About six or so."  
  
He was beginning to think that the watcher had the right idea in leaving. He hadn't   
minded the research earlier. But trying to draw answers out from Buffy about her   
interactions with the demons was not easy. And if he didn't love her, he might be   
tempted to choke her. Actually, he was still tempted. "You need to keep accurate   
records."  
  
"That's what you're for."  
  
"So you covered their secreting holes?" Anya asked, piping up.   
  
"No, I chopped off their heads. And they went gooey and sunk into the ground."  
  
"Um Buffy. That's pretty good. Having to get close to them and all while they were   
aiming their liquid at you. But they aren't dead." He braced himself for the yelling he   
was sure to hear. If he were in her shoes, he'd be yelling. But he was surprised at her   
quiet deadly voice.   
  
"What do you mean 'they aren't dead?'"  
  
He didn't want to be the one to tell her. The yelling might start then. And he might yell   
back about her awful education in demonology. Yelling wouldn't get them anywhere.   
He implored Anya with his eyes to answer her question.   
  
"Imparafa demons can only be killed by drowning in their own secretions. The only way   
you can do that is to clog their ducts, or holes. Like with cement. Or maybe glue. Then   
you have a red furry body that you burn. If they turn into liquid, they just reform."  
  
"So I could have killed the same demon over and over again?" Buffy enquired, looking   
at Anya.  
  
"It's possible." Spike nodded in agreement with Anya's words. This meant that they had   
no idea how many demons they were dealing with. It could be one, it could be a   
hundred.  
  
"And how did they become extinct? Because that just seems like a pretty impossible   
task." Buffy looked to Anya for her answer. It seemed to her that Spike was hesitant to   
deal with her, to answer any questions. Other than telling her that she hadn't killed these   
stupid fuzzy creatures.   
  
"From what I remember, their numbers were dying out. It could have been for any   
number of reasons. Low female count. Dietary problems. But there was an mud slide   
around the time they disappeared, most likely caused because of the earthquakes; I think   
there were a couple that year. Many believe they drowned from the mud clogging their   
pores. And then they were probably buried. You don't really have to burn the body, it   
just makes it easier than trying to bury it."  
  
Burying demons, that couldn't be too hard Buffy thought. She was strong. If nothing   
else worked, she could dig holes and drop them in there. "So all we need is an   
earthquake and mud slides? That's got to be too easy, as we live in California." 


	16. Chapter 16

Blurry 16/? Author: Amanda Rating: PG13, for now Distribution: Previous chapters at http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=230408 and www.the- sandlot.com. Please ask if you wish to archive.  
  
Summary: Because you've forgotten by now, here's a short one. Takes place after season 6. Spike came back after getting his chip out and he know helps Buffy out and they are both paid by the Council. They are also trying to be friend's first and forge any relationship very slowly. Anya's still a demon and her and Giles have a long distance relationship. Xander is still prejudiced against demons of any kind. Willow is back from London, her magic has been contained for now, and is living with Xander. Dawn's in summer school and her and Buffy have a good relationship, though she is worried about Buffy and Spike's relationship. Some demons have shown up in an otherwise quiet Sunnydale that were thought to be extinct. Spike is trying to find out what is going on. Meanwhile Anya is opening the shop up two nights a month to demons, so they can buy essentials and delicacies.  
  
Feedback: All feedback is read, cherished and given a good home. And though I have good intentions to reply to all feedback, it very rarely gets done. But I do appreciate the feedback.  
  
A/N: I never once planned on it being this long between chapters. And I apologize greatly to anyone who is still reading this. I am completely free of all responsibilities except for writing and sleeping until January 13, when I start grad school. So expect as many updates as the muse allows and a Christmas story. I really do want to get a lot of this fic finished up, because there's another one that wants to be written and I refuse to commit to it until this one is nearly finished.  
  
**************  
  
Buffy stared in horror at the two conversing. Was that what they were doing? It sounded like those swishy sounds the washer machine makes. If she remembered correctly, every time she'd encountered one of these Impy whatever you call them demons before, it had made those sounds at her. She just thought it had been raring to fight. And instead it might have wanted to communicate?  
  
"What are you doing? Are you talking?" She tugged at Spike's sleeve, wanting his attention. Instead of the attention he was giving this demon.  
  
He ignored her, or tried to. It was taking all his concentration to remember the dialect and converse. He shouldn't have been surprised she wanted in on this, wanted to know exactly what was happening. She always wanted to be in the middle, the one fighting, kicking butt. And of course she wasn't now. Not fighting. Or even leading the conversation. It was probably hard for her to try and sit on the sidelines. Which she really wasn't doing, or trying hard to do.  
  
"What does he want? Or is it a she? And why aren't I included?" She watched as gestures were made. As sounds were exchanged. As she was ignored. And all she wanted to do was jump up and down and exclaim, 'Look at me. I'm the slayer. Don't you think I should be involved here.' But she held herself back. Just barely.  
  
It wasn't fair. She was the slayer. The Chosen One. Or two. But hey, she wasn't in jail, so she could say Chosen One since there wasn't anyone around to contradict her. And she should be involved. In everything. Spike had no right to just talk to these people, or things, without stopping and telling her what was going on. How could she make decisions without knowing everything? And it could have been a bad demon. Maybe she should have captured it and dropped it into a vat of mud. Of course, she wasn't quite sure where to find a vat of mind. Possibly at a spa. Weren't mud baths all the rage?  
  
"Are you finished with your whining? We have to finish patrol and then start researching."  
  
She hadn't even been aware he had stopped making his weird sounds. Or that the demon had gone away. Disappeared. Great, now she had a demon that was Spike's friend on the run. She was pretty sure he wasn't as friendly as Clem, especially since he had never offered her bugles or cheese whiz.  
  
"What was that about? Were you talking to him? And in what language? And why didn't you involve me?"  
  
She waited. And waited some more. And then set off at a run after him. Catching up, she yanked on his arm to stop him. "And why won't you answer me?"  
  
"We're outside, at night, where who knows what is around. Do you really want me to answer when anyone could listen in?"  
  
"Oh. Well I guess not. But you could have said that."  
  
"Right. So then whoever is spying on us could know that I have something to tell you. Why don't I just shout it to the world?"  
  
"Someone's spying on us?"  
  
"Just be quiet and look for vampires about to rise."  
  
**************  
  
"When do you think you're ready to have sex with someone?"  
  
Anya was very glad she was a demon at that point, otherwise, she was pretty sure she would have choked on the cracker she was eating. She looked at Dawn. Young, so young, with the whole world ahead of her. She didn't need to be tainted with the crap of life. And she knew Buffy and Spike would find a way to kill her if she talked to Dawn about sex. "Never. You will never be ready."  
  
"I'm not a kid."  
  
"No, but you're not an adult either."  
  
"I'm almost sixteen."  
  
"And I'm over a thousand years old. And sex is bad. Very bad." Anya nodded her head with the words, trying to convey her point, though it didn't look like Dawn was buying it.  
  
"So you never enjoyed it. All that talk was just talk?"  
  
"I didn't say that."  
  
"You said it was bad."  
  
Teenagers were tricky little things. So she had to figure out how to out trick Dawn. How to answer her question without giving her the idea that she could have sex right now. And she was in no way ready to be a parent. Sure babies were cute and cuddly, but they grew up into teenagers. Thank goodness for being a vengeance demon.  
  
"Well it leads to other things. Where your feelings get involved. And then you start thinking they care about you. You start to care back. Then they give you a diamond, but tell you that you can't wear it. And the next thing you know, you're standing at the altar all alone."  
  
"So, sex isn't bad. Just what happens afterwards is bad?"  
  
Maybe that didn't work that well Anya thought. She's not out there wanting to have sex now, but I haven't swung her over to hit on Willow. But then again, Buffy won't like her being an old maid for life. "Not always. Lots of times there's cuddling and kissing. And more sex. You just have to be careful. Know what the other person expects of you."  
  
"So let me get this straight. Sex isn't bad. But it can be bad afterwards."  
  
"That's right."  
  
"How can you tell though? How do you know if it's going to be bad afterwards?"  
  
And she wasn't going there. "Ask Buffy."  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
"She's had lots more experience than I have had with sex going bad. There was Angel who became Angelus. Then there was Parker. Of course there could be more I don't know about. And we can't forget Riley and his vampires, no matter how much Xander thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. It looks like Spike's the only one. let's not talk about that."  
  
"Who's Parker?"  
  
Obviously Dawn wasn't aware of Parker. He must not have merited an entry in the diary. "Talk to Buffy."  
  
************** Willow's fingers traced the name on the cool granite. Tara Maclay. It was probably pretty here during the day. The sun peaking through the trees, shining on the flowers that had been planted. She didn't know who had arranged it all. Most likely Buffy and Dawn. But it should have been her.  
  
She should have been the one to pick out a coffin and what she was going to wear, making sure she was beautiful. But instead she was halfway across the world, trying to control the one thing that Tara had hated about her. Her hands should have planted the flowers, making sure the sun would hit them through the branches and leaves, so that they could grow. So that the ground was beautiful for her love.  
  
"I'm so sorry baby. So sorry. About everything."  
  
She had poured her heart out to her before. At night, as she huddled in her bed, knowing Xander was right next door. She'd talked to Tara. Told her how sorry she was, how much she missed her. But she could feel her now. Her presence, her comfort. Tara's soft chest was pressed against her back, arms folded around her. It wasn't the night air that brushed against her neck. It was Tara's breath. Her warm breath that tickled her nape and aroused her body.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me? Buffy must have been scared. You knew so many of her secrets, but you never let on. I'm so glad that she had you during that time. You and Spike.  
  
"I never would have thought it would be you two that she would go to. But she did. Both of you, in your own ways helped her. And Spike's still helping her. I know you liked him. You'd be proud of how he is right now. He's helping me now.  
  
"It's kind of nice having a reformed bad buddy. Someone who understands."  
  
**************  
  
"So in your opinion, if Buffy and Spike hadn't had sex, then it would never have gotten bad between them?" Dawn didn't understand this. And she wanted to. Both Buffy and Spike had tried to make her feel better about their relationship or whatever they had. But she didn't understand what they had. All she knew was that most people who had sex could never be friends again. They seemed to hate each other. That's what she had seen in school. And with Xander and Anya.  
  
She didn't want that. She didn't want it all to implode and destroy her life. And maybe, if she could understand it a little more, she could make sure it wouldn't.  
  
"You're really too young for this."  
  
"Girls my age have sex all the time. At least I'm only talking about it."  
  
"That is true. You wouldn't believe how many girls younger than you I've heard the cry of vengeance from. And they all involved sex."  
  
But Dawn really didn't want to talk about sex and herself or other girls. It had just been a way to try and get information. To try and edge the conversation around to what she really wanted. Could a couple get back together, or even be friends again. And Anya would know. "So what do you think about Buffy and Spike?"  
  
"I think we all need to mind our own business."  
  
"But hypothetically speaking, do you think they could ever work things out? Can they be friends again? Date? Maybe more? Or did sex turn it all bad?"  
  
"I think we need to leave it up to them. They seem to be doing fine on their own."  
  
**************  
  
Buffy didn't want to startle her. She had thought Willow would have gone back to Xander's. But she should have known that she'd be here. If she was in her shoes, it's where she would have gone. Slowly she approached, knowing that Spike was keeping an eye on them from a distance.  
  
He would take care of any vampires that rose, and try to figure out who was watching them. She had tried to question him again as they'd patrolled, but before she'd even gotten a word out, he'd grabbed her hand and given her a look. So instead they'd patrolled in complete silence, holding hands, until in the last cemetery they'd came upon Willow.  
  
"I still miss her. She was a good friend."  
  
"I'm sorry I wasn't a better one. Sorry I couldn't help you."  
  
Buffy settled down beside her. Not too close, but close enough. Close enough to provide any comfort that was needed. "It's okay. I got to know her better because of it. Are you okay?"  
  
"Fine. Just thinking about how I screwed your life up."  
  
"You didn't screw anything up." And Buffy didn't know if that was the truth or not. She was fine now, but not without a lot of heartache along the way. She was past it though. She'd made it through the bad time with someone to lean on. And now she could provide a shoulder or whatever Willow needed, the same way Spike had provided her with what she'd needed. And she'd take whatever was dished her way, be the strong one, just like him.  
  
"But you were so unhappy when you came back. And then, what must have ran through your head when you found out Spike could hit you."  
  
"It's over. It's over and done with. It took a long time, but I'm happy now. Really happy."  
  
"Does Spike have something to do with that?"  
  
Buffy hesitated before answering. She wasn't sure she could give a clear cut answer. He did have a lot to do with it. But his leaving for those few weeks also had a lot to do with it, along with examining her own self. "Maybe so. I know you don't trust him. And Xander doesn't either."  
  
"I can't cast stones Buffy. If you're happy, then I'm happy. And Xander will have to deal. He's done it before, he'll do it again."  
  
"He's probably worried right now."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Buffy pulled herself off the ground, reaching out for Willow's hands. She grasped them within her own. Powerful hands linked together. Walking backwards, she pulled Willow to a standing position. "Let us walk you home."  
  
"Us?"  
  
"Spike's here with me. Just blending into the background right now."  
  
**************  
  
"So there's a dozen of them? And they were dropped off here?" She'd heard a lot of strange stories in her demon days, but this one was far up there. Anya couldn't believe that a dozen demons, extinct demons, were just unleashed into Sunnydale and told to kill Buffy.  
  
Buffy looked over at Spike, who had seemed to claim the couch as his own. His body was sprawled out, legs apart, and all his attention was on Anya. If Dawn wasn't asleep, she really might yell at him now. She was the slayer, not Anya. Her. Obviously it didn't matter who was a Watcher. It was like the money they received from the Council had power over them, made them think that they were in charge, and she was nothing. But she wasn't going to sit back and let him get away with it. No, she was speaking up, getting answers.  
  
"What do you mean by dropped off? Like from a truck? Are you sure they're not playing with you? And why didn't they kill me?"  
  
Spike didn't know why he hadn't waited until tomorrow morning, so he wouldn't have to repeat himself again for Willow. And Xander too, if he could get off work. "Look, my mastery of the language is a little rusty. If you'd just followed the handbook, Slayer, you'd have learned all these languages and you would understand."  
  
"I never got the handbook. Why didn't I get the handbook? And I'm supposed to speak demon?"  
  
"Look, I told you all I know. They were dropped off and they'll be receiving their final instructions in a week. Then they'll be free to start up colonies of Imparafa demons across the world. And they really are harmless, as long as they don't come into contact with humans.  
  
"It's late. Go to sleep. You can get going too, Anya. I'll start looking into things. He made some noises about a few texts tonight. I'll research those, it might give us a clue with what we're dealing with."  
  
"Do you think it's the Initiative? But why would they drop demons off?" If there was the slightest possibility it was the Initiative, Anya knew she was hightailing it out of town. She wasn't going to wait around and possibly be kidnapped, get a chip, or be separated from Giles.  
  
"Could be. Wouldn't mind that all. But it wouldn't hurt to keep our options open. It could just be some small organization." However, Spike had a bad feeling about this. He didn't think it was the Initiative, or a small organization. Something set off alarm bells in his head that this was much bigger. Demons didn't disappear for a hundred years and then show up without big problems attached. And those problems were probably attached to the human that had followed them all night long. But he wasn't going to worry Buffy until he had more of an idea.  
  
"Nothing small kidnaps demons for decades and then let's them loose." Buffy knew something was up. Spike had been right, it most likely was another apocalypse. Nothing new, not too hard. She'd done it before, she'd do it again. They just needed to find out how to stop the end of the world. And she needed to find out why they were being followed and why he didn't want to mention it in front of Anya.  
  
"I can check with Giles, see if he knows anything." At their looks of surprise, Anya continued. "You know, because I keep in contact with him about the shop. Even though it isn't his, I like to brag about how well I'm doing now that I am no longer practicing archaic merchandising ways. Just a little jab."  
  
Anya's words seemed a little forced to Spike. Contact about the shop. He didn't buy that. Seemed to him that Demon Girl had something going on with the Watcher, but he didn't say anything. She was keeping his secret, he'd keep hers. "That'd be right nice. Take a load off me. Tell him to give me a ring if he has any ideas. Or he can relay them through you."  
  
"I better be off, got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. And don't you two forget to be there, with your happy faces on." She demonstrated the exact faces she wanted, giving them a bright smile. At their blank looks, she tried to figure out why she'd asked them to help out. Right. Muscle work.  
  
"Buffy, could I speak with you a minute?" At Spike's raised eyebrows, she continued, "Alone. With no little vampires listening."  
  
"I'm not little."  
  
"Your ears are. It will only take a moment. Then you can have her back Spike, to do whatever you want with her."  
  
"He's not doing anything with me. He's going to explain to me again about these demons or whatever they are and why we aren't killing them."  
  
As they reached the door, Buffy stopped, but was then dragged outside by Anya. "What's so important that we have to talk out here?"  
  
"It's about Dawn. She was asking about S-E-X."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"S-E-X." At Buffy's blank look, she gave up. "Sex. She was asking about sex."  
  
"She wants to have sex?"  
  
"Well, not really. At least I don't think so. I think she was mainly interested in sex between you and Spike. And hey, I know you two probably look really good together, but it's not something I really want to think about. Though at times, pictures can be fascinating to look at."  
  
"Me and Spike? Spike and sex?"  
  
"Well not really like that. More I think in the how can two people who had sex and break up still be friends and can there be anything ever between then again, or is everything doomed?"  
  
"Oh. I guess I understand that. But she specifically asked about sex?"  
  
"Lots of teenage girls know about sex, Buffy. It isn't a new phenomenon."  
  
"No. Not like that. I didn't mean that Anya. I know she knows about sex. I'm just surprised she brought it up. but then maybe I shouldn't be. I guess it makes sense."  
  
"Do you want to share? Or is this some type of sister secret stuff that can't be shared?"  
  
"She's just worried about me and Spike. You know, me screwing things up and him leaving forever. That kind of stuff."  
  
**************  
  
"Everything okay with Anya, pet?"  
  
"What? Yeah, just some stuff about Dawn."  
  
"She okay? Seemed fine when we left."  
  
"She's just still worried, even after you talked to her."  
  
"Can't blame her. Not like she has any stable relationship to base her feelings on."  
  
"True. But I can't promise you or her anything. She just needs to learn to grow up and leave other people's business alone. And you need to share with me what was up tonight?"  
  
Buffy settled on the couch next to Spike, pulling her legs up underneath her. She was getting cozy, settling in for the long chat ahead. She wanted to know exactly what they were facing. Who or what the demons were. Why he didn't tell Anya. And especially who was following them the whole night. 


	17. Chapter 17

Blurry 17/? Author: Amanda Rating: PG13 Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, it's all Joss' Feedback: All replies are read, cherished and given a good home. Distribution: Please ask if you wish to archive.  
  
Summary: Previously Spike found out that some demons that are in town were thought to be extinct, and that after being held captive for over a hundred years, they were let loose in Sunnydale. Also, while out on patrol, Buffy and Spike were being followed. Meanwhile Anya has reopened The Magic Shoppe and is also going to be after hours to cater to demons.  
  
A/N: Thanks to Mezz for the quick beta. This has been sitting in my inbox since Sunday morning waiting for me to make changes, but I've been quite sick.  
  
***************  
  
Willow wandered back through the house, intent on finding Buffy. Xander had taken Dawn to Summer School and dropped her off. Spike had told her last night to come over if she had the time today to help research. She wasn't sure if he meant her at Buffy's, or at his own place. But she figured they could head over to Spike's together, if he wasn't coming here.  
  
She found Buffy standing at the kitchen sink, furiously scrubbing. "What the pan do? Burn your breakfast?"  
  
"What?" Buffy whirled around, the frying pan still in her hand.  
  
"Maybe I should come back later. You know when the pan is all cleaned and put away."  
  
Buffy looked at her hand, which was raised in the air, clutching the frying pan. It was raised like she was going to hit something. And she did want to hit something. Only problem was, the head she wanted to hit wasn't in front of her. Turning back around, she placed the pan in the sink. It was clean, very clean, probably with all the non stick finish scrubbed off. Her hands clutched the edge of the counter. Holding onto it, helped her control her temper some. "Sorry. Just trying to reign in my anger."  
  
"You and Dawn fight this morning?" Willow slid onto a barstool, intent on finding out Buffy's problem with the frying pan, or whom the frying pan was standing for.  
  
"Dawn and I never fight. Okay, not much. Surprisingly, mornings with Dawn aren't as melodramatic as they used to be. Evenings on the other hand.."  
  
"So if it's not Dawn, then who is it? Did Social Services call again? I thought Giles had the Council handle everything and got them off your back."  
  
"No. Haven't heard a peep from them. Everything in the Summers' home is all good."  
  
"Not everything is good if you're trying to kill a frying pan."  
  
Buffy hadn't wanted to unload on Willow. She knew Willow had enough of her own problems to deal with, but it would probably do both of them some good. Willow could concentrate on something other than her own problems and she could unload. And maybe get some advice.  
  
"He just infuriates me sometimes. It's like he's turning into a real Watcher or something. All bookish and not telling me things. Like last night. Tells me not to worry about it right now, just get some sleep. How can I sleep when I don't know what I'm supposed to worry about the next day?"  
  
"I assume we're talking about Spike."  
  
"Who else would we be talking about? He's just so. ugggh."  
  
"Is ugggh a word? And if so, what does it mean?"  
  
"Well it means that I want to kill him. But not really kill him. He just makes me want to, with his take charge attitude of my life. He's all gung ho about research, helping me out, even working in Anya's store. But then he's all hands off mostly with me, letting me figure things out myself. He's big on this be friends first kick."  
  
"So he's infuriating you?" Willow asked wryly.  
  
"He's pissing me off is what he's doing. And I can't yell at him, because he's so nice while he's doing it."  
  
"Come sit down by best friend Willow and tell me all your troubles." Willow looked at Buffy expectantly, waiting for her to sit down.  
  
"Do we really want to do this?"  
  
"Why not? You got anything better to do right now? Besides kill Spike I mean?  
  
Buffy moved around the island to slide onto a stool beside Willow. "I guess not, seeing as he won't share with me."  
  
"Like you want to research anyways. I'm researchy girl, you're kill girl and save the world girl Talk to me."  
  
"But you've got enough on your mind right now. And now I'm putting you in the middle of this.."  
  
"I want to help you Buffy. What happened to make you feel all ugggh about Spike?"  
  
Willow listened as Buffy went over her night. Telling all about the demon they encountered and how she was left out of everything.  
  
"We just patrolled then until we met you." Buffy finished up.  
  
"So nothing else weird happened on patrol, to make Spike run away. You didn't.."  
  
"I didn't what?"  
  
Willow wasn't quite sure how to word this. But she had to get to the heart of the matter. All Buffy had provided her with was basic information, nothing on what really happened, or how she really felt. "Well, I mean, Buffy, you admitted that you acted a certain way towards him last year. And maybe you did something again that frightened him, so he ran away?"  
  
Buffy tried to keep her voice calm. She'd changed, she knew she had. And Spike knew she had too. She wasn't sure she liked being questioned by Willow about her actions. Just because Willow resorted to magic when the going got bad, did not mean that she went back to treating Spike badly. "I did not hit him. Or yell at him. In fact we didn't say a word. We just held hands.."  
  
"That's it!" Willow interrupted.  
  
"What? I didn't say anything, so I made him mad?"  
  
"No, you held hands with him. When have you ever held hands with him? And since when were you the hand holding type?"  
  
"I've held hands with people. With boys even."  
  
"Riley? I doubt that. Maybe Angel, Buffy, but that was years ago. Face it, this was something new in your relationship and it probably scared Spike. Especially considering that you're supposed to be taking this relationship thing slow."  
  
"So I'm supposed to stand ten feet away from him and ask his permission before I can hold his hand?"  
  
"No, I don't think that's it at all. It's just probably something new for him too. And he has such big feelings for you, that whenever you give him a crumb, he's ready for the whole package."  
  
"And so rather than try to get that whole package, he left last night." It kind of made sense to her. She could see him get scared. Afraid that he would push her too much, too soon. Or that she would push herself too fast. So for that she was grateful, but it still didn't alleviate the frustrations she had with him over keeping her in the dark about their demon and stalker problem.  
  
"That makes a lot of sense Willow, and I'll keep in it mind, however, I'm still mad at him for not talking to me about the demons or whoever was following us."  
  
"Maybe he has his reasons, Buffy."  
  
"This is a partnership and he's not acting like a partner. Just because I'm not all into research doesn't mean that I should be left out of the loop. I'm going to find out what's going on."  
  
"Then ask him what's going on."  
  
"So he can clam up and tell me that he'll let me know when he finds out anything? And that I should just to get some rest, be ready for anything."  
  
"You won't know until you ask him. Then if he does say that, you can go postal on him!" Willow added cheerfully.  
  
"He already said that this morning. I called him, to see if he'd found anything out last night."  
  
"Vampires can be awfully grumpy in the morning. Give him a few hours."  
  
"I don't have a few hours. I have now. Tonight is Anya's grand opening for the demon part of the shop and I have to be there. I won't have time then to worry about things. I need to know now what's going on."  
  
"You could train. Punch a punching bag or something, take some aggression out. I bet things would look better if you did that. But I am not dressing up in the puffy suit."  
  
"You know maybe I should kill something. That would help a lot. Take my aggression out on something."  
  
"Sounds good to me Buffy. But you know it is daytime and there aren't many demons out then."  
  
"Oh don't worry, I know where one is. And he's going down."  
  
"Okay. So where are we going?"  
  
"Spike's."  
  
**************  
  
It took a few minutes after she knocked for the door to open. Buffy had been about to use the key Spike had given her, when he appeared, hair all disheveled, black jeans low on his hips, black t-shirt in his hand.  
  
Spike pulled the t-shirt on as he motioned them in, Buffy not waiting for the permission to enter. "Buffy. Willow. I was sleeping, but I guess you can come in." Spike said sarcastically, to the empty doorway. Closing the door, he turned around to find her standing in the middle of the living room, arms crossed.  
  
"That's awfully nice of you to accommodate me in your busy schedule."  
  
At the snotty tone of Buffy's voice, Spike's eyebrows rose. He looked to Willow for an answer, but she just shook her head at him.  
  
"I thought we were going to meet later this afternoon." At least that is what he had thought when he'd left Buffy's late last night.  
  
"We need to get some things straight here."  
  
"Umm, Spike, can I use your bathroom?" Willow interjected, before things got too heated between them. She figured that she could listen from the bathroom and make sure Buffy wasn't really going to stake Spike. Also she could provide moral support from close by, but not in the way.  
  
"Down the hall, first door on the left."  
  
Buffy looked around the large living area that the front door opened into. It was a large space. A large space that was still very empty. She tried to concentrate on that first, so that she could calm down a little bit and not attack him. "Why don't you have any furniture in here?"  
  
"Been a little busy, pet."  
  
"Doing what? Research? Cutting me out of things?" And she cringed at that. It just came out and she knew her tone wasn't that friendly.  
  
"What is this about? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?"  
  
"Maybe if I had gotten some sleep, I would have. But because of you, I sat up most of the night."  
  
"That's my fault?"  
  
She could hear the disbelief in his voice. And she knew what she was about the say might be the wrong thing, but she had promised to be truthful and honest. So she was laying her feelings out on the table, as much as she could. Hopefully he would understand, help her with it, and lay his out too. "Of course it is. If you had told me what we were facing, I could have slept better. Instead I had to wonder about what is going on."  
  
"Maybe if I knew what was going on, I would tell you."  
  
"But you didn't even want to talk about it. 'Go to bed Buffy, get some rest. I'll talk to you tomorrow.' You could have told me that you had some ideas, that maybe we were facing the Hellmouth opening or whatever your suspicions are. Instead you just cut me out. This is a partnership."  
  
"There's no use in both of us losing sleep researching. Don't worry, next time I'll make sure that you stay up all night, while I relax. I won't try to do you a favor again." And he wouldn't, if he was going to get raked over the coals for it.  
  
"That's not what it is. You aren't listening to me."  
  
"Then tell me what you want."  
  
"I did."  
  
Spike took her face in his hands. His palms cupped her face so that the two looked eye to eye. "Buffy, look at me. I can't read your mind. Unless you tell me exactly what you want, I don't know what it is. You have to tell me."  
  
"I'm the Slayer. I need to know what is going on, so that I can make decisions. I don't want anyone else to make decisions for me, without consulting me. It's been done before, and I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. I thought this was a partnership."  
  
"It is a partnership. And I'm sorry that I upset you. That wasn't my intention. I was really just trying to give you some breathing room, let you get some sleep. I didn't want to take over. I really just wanted to give you some time off." He let go of her face, moving away from her. It was so hard for him to be near her, but not with her.  
  
"But I don't get time off. I've tried that before and it doesn't work."  
  
"So no time off for you, I get that. And I'll ask your opinion more. But you have to understand why we couldn't talk last night, while outside."  
  
"I get that. There was someone following us, but later on last night, you wouldn't even talk to me about it. Let me know who you thought it was."  
  
"Maybe cause I don't know."  
  
"Well, you could have said that."  
  
Spike took a deep breath. He'd kept everything bottled up inside of him for so long, he could feel it beginning to erupt. And he wasn't going to hold it back from her this time. Her flippant tone made him want to yell back, so he did.  
  
"I get that now. Goddamn it, what do you want? I'm not perfect and I'm sorry that I've pissed you off. But you do that to me all the time and you don't see me throwing a fit now, do you? It's just something I put up with, because I love you."  
  
She took that in. And realized that he was right. She was so grateful for all her shit that he had put up with. Hopefully he knew that, but maybe she needed to spell it out for him.  
  
"Spike. I know. And I am so thankful for that. You don't know how much it means to me that you stick around through thick and thin. I wish that things could be easy for us. But they don't seem to be. But I want to make this work, I really do. And I'm trying to let you know how I feel. The only thing I ask in return is that you help me while I try to do that and also tell me how you feel." Buffy held her breath, waiting for him to respond. This was such new territory and she was afraid that she was saying the wrong thing, pushing him away.  
  
At his nod of acquiescence, she continued on. It seemed it was the day for confrontations, or getting things out in the open. And she'd come this far, she wasn't backing out now. But it felt so high schoolish to her, discussing how they felt about holding hands.  
  
"There's something else we need to discuss. Last night, we held hands while we patrolled. Willow thought that might have scared you. Did it? Because I know this is new territory for us and I guess if I think about it, it scares me too a little."  
  
"You want the truth?" At her nod, he continued. "You send mixed signals. When we're together alone, you hold my hand. But in front of others, like last night when we found Willow, you don't. Here's another example from last night. When we got back home, you sat far away while Anya was there. But once she left, you sat right next to me."  
  
Buffy hadn't realized she did that. Was it a subconscious thing? It was something she'd have to think about later. "Okay, I'll work on it. And we both have to work on telling the other one how we feel without being worried about how we'll react. Deal?"  
  
"Deal." Spike agreed, relieved that their first fight, if you could call it that, went okay.  
  
They both looked at each other awkwardly. Their agreement seemed they should do something to finalize it, but a handshake was too formal. And Spike didn't think they were ready for a kiss yet. He just stood, looking at her, until she broke the silence.  
  
"Now let's talk about our demons from last night. You mentioned that they had given you something to research, some books to read?"  
  
Spike led her down the hall to his office, where she sat on the couch. He pulled a book down from his bookshelf and gave it to her, sitting down beside her.  
  
"He mentioned a name, Lucas Canfield. Said to check out his writings. It seems he was a watcher in London in 1917. His slayer's name was Eva Montgomery."  
  
"And did you find his diaries?"  
  
"One of them. It looks like there were two of them. And the one I found has some pages missing. But I did find one passage that was interesting?"  
  
"Interesting how?"  
  
"Well it gets me thinking that maybe we have somewhere to start with where the Imparafa demons were held."  
  
"What does it say?"  
  
Spike took the book back from her. He'd read the passage enough times now that he knew where to find it.  
  
"'Eva was at the Council today, receiving some training in the Bhadic demon language. She's making a lot of progress, learning the difference in the dental and interdental sounds. While she was occupied, I decided to explore a bit. I had never spent much unsupervised time in the Council's headquarters.  
  
"'I found the normal offices and lecture rooms on the main floors. Nothing interesting that was new to me. But the basement had always been off limits to me as a student. In the bowels of the building, it was dark and dank. The torches reflected off of metal bars. I had never seen such a thing in my life. I don't know what to think. Was there a reason this was kept from me? If I had known, just think of the educational opportunities that could have been provided to Eva.'"  
  
He shut the book after he finished, giving it back to Buffy. "Pages after this are torn out. I think Canfield went into more description on the next few pages, which is why they are missing. This skips right into Canfield writing about is Eva's relationship with her family."  
  
"The council allowed her to have a relationship with them? Giles always made it sound like I was almost one of the only ones that had that."  
  
"How about non-relationship. They seemed to have a pretty tight thumb over her."  
  
"So what are you getting at with this diary entry? You think he saw something he shouldn't have and that's why they tore out the pages?"  
  
"Oh yeah. And he wrote about it too. I think he saw a bunch of cells full of demons. Just think of the educational opportunities for slayers, if they could learn about a bunch of different demons that are in captivity. They could figure out the best way to kill them, give them practice fighting them."  
  
"You think the Council has set us up? With the jobs and then releasing these demons and the person following us?"  
  
"I'm not positive, but it looks that way right now. But we can't jump to conclusions. There could a number of things that Canfield saw down there, that's just one scenario I came up with. There're still a lot of things we don't know."  
  
"Then we'll find out together what's going on. As much as I don't like research, if they are trying to take us down, then together we can figure out how to fight them."  
  
Willow's voice drifted to them, from behind the bathroom door. "Guys, are you done fighting now? Can I come out?"  
  
**************  
  
Anya surveyed her helpers lined up in front of her. They were all wearing matching red long sleeved shirts. She thought it gave them uniformity, letting their potential customers know who worked there. She'd put up with a lot of flack from Spike and Buffy on wearing the shirts, when they had first arrived. But they'd changed their minds. She was pretty sure that Buffy had somehow convinced Spike to wear the shirt. She was actually curious as to how Buffy had done that.  
  
"Now everyone, remember our motto. 'A happy customer is a customer who spends lots of money.' Let's say it together."  
  
Together, Dawn, Clem, Spike and Buffy all repeated with Anya. "A happy customer is a customer who spends lots of money."  
  
"And it makes Anya happy too." Spike muttered under his breath.  
  
"What?" Anya thought she had heard Spike mutter something. Nothing and no one was going to ruin her day. This was the day she had been waiting for. The day she was going to make the most money she had ever made in one day.  
  
"Nothing. Just had a tickle in my throat."  
  
"Good. Our goal is to make lots of money, so entice all these demons to spend, spend, spend, and then spend some more."  
  
As they took their places, waiting for Anya to open the door, Spike sidled up to Dawn. "You remember what your sis and I told you, right?"  
  
"Watch out for any red furry demons, any humans, and any suspicious demons."  
  
And what constitutes a suspicious demon?"  
  
"One that is too friendly, really mean, or just seems funny."  
  
"Good going Bit. Your sister could use your help with this. She's flying blind here, so if you notice anything out of the ordinary, make sure you take note of it and let Buffy or I know right away." 


End file.
